


Getting There is Half the Fun

by twizted_dezirez



Series: Matakah [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Archaeology, Bottom Jensen Ackles, Documentaries, Enemies to Lovers, Exploration, Extremely Dubious Consent, Language, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Slow Build, Top Jared Padalecki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-02-27 06:06:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 54,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13242033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twizted_dezirez/pseuds/twizted_dezirez
Summary: Jared and Jensen haven't been friends in years. They are being forced (not really, Jared totally played Jensen) to work along side each other for the first time since their falling out. Both of them (mainly Jared) wants to put the past behind them and move forward but soon learn it's easier thought about than actually done.Jared is reminded of why he kept Jensen shut out all those years, and Jensen is reminded of why ever getting involved with Jared was a bad idea.The rest of their team try to distance themselves away from j2, just until they can get over whatever it was that happened all those years ago. They refuse to work with either Jay so long as they are at each other's throats.I completely suck at summarizing and tagging, so...sorry. I never know when spoilers are needed or when to silence the voice's in my head that are screaming a character's POV.





	1. Desperate Times

**Author's Note:**

> So this story ended up being something totally different than what I'd thought it would when I first started. 
> 
> I blame ImanAngle_YouAss for that. You will too, probably, if you like Savage Garden. The story [ Break Me, Shake Me, Hate Me, Take me Over](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12747636/chapters/29076324) totally put me in the mood to listen to their first album while this story was bouncing around my head. 
> 
> What happens next is a direct result of that. The top songs were [ A Thousand Words](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/savagegarden/athousandwords.html) and [Tears of Pearls](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/savagegarden/tearsofpearls.html). Clicking the links will take you to the lyrics. They're not actually included in the story (I don't think), but a good idea of where the inspiration comes from.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The phone call that started it all and the initial face to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of back story here. This is kinda on the long side, but it brings everything up to where the story starts. It's boring to read through (kinda?). 
> 
> This is a good chapter for showing how they got to where they are now. It goes into the thought processes and motives involved that come into play later on in the story. Contradictory to my previous comments, this chapter would not do well to be skipped over. *Thanks* to Jenn who pointed out that it is best read in the order in which the chapters appear. 
> 
> Uh...mmm. Ok, this is awkward. Dub con in this chapter. Not between the J's :( sorry. Not fun and not sexy. No details are mentioned, and I would leave it out, but I'm afraid if I do, you'll miss out on how desperate Jared is to make this trip a reality. He's not hurt or emotionally disturbed by it. He's all good from that aspect; just doing what he had to get what he wanted.

Jared paces back and forth in front of the building's main entrance for a good thirty minutes before working up the nerve to go in. The last words he'd ever spoke to Jensen's face are still ringing in his head. He'd promised Jensen he'd never see him again. He told Jensen to walk away and never look back. Now here Jared was, the one stuck looking back. He's had effectively eaten his own words. 

The argument shouldn't still hold so much affect on him, but it does. Jensen had been the closest friend he'd ever had, and losing him was much like losing an arm or a leg. What hurt the most was the feelings Jared had held onto. The feelings that ran much deeper than just platonic friendship. He'd been so sure Jensen had felt it too. In the time he's been "Jensen free", he's let those good times haunt him. He's been constantly wondering how everything would have turned out had he manned up and made the first move on Jensen. Granted, it was always Jared making the first move. Jared approached him, insisted they partner up and work together. Jared had maneuvered his class schedule so he could have every single class with the beautiful man.

His intentions in doing so weren't pure or platonic at all. He'd only wanted to hook up with Jensen, have some fun. Then when Jensen finally let him get close, Jared couldn't bring himself to do it. He started thinking with his heart and not his dick. Before he knew it he no longer wanted to just 'fuck' Jensen, he wanted to make slow passion filled love to the man. The crux was how to get them there. Jared never could figure it out. He'd always (wrongly) assumed that if he pushed too far, Jensen would run away screaming. Jared never found out what would have happened if he would only pushed for a little more. The fight that ended it all happened before their relationship could have the chance to develop. _Won't make a difference now,_ his mind reminds him; dragging him back to the present.

Right. Whatever happened or didn't happen is of no matter now. Jared has worked too hard and sacrificed too much to walk away from this plan. He had to push down his doubt and make a bold move forward. _No sense comes from living in the past._

Jared wouldn't have shown up here at all if he had any reasonable choice. He knew for a fact Jensen wouldn’t come to him willingly, so he came to Jensen. Now if he could just make it through the damn door everything would be fine. He thinks back to the circumstances that landed him here, seeking out the confidence he needs to actually pull this off.

He'd dreamed of exploring and unearthing Matakah's secrets practically all his life. It was rumored to be this Ancient Civilization much like Atlantis, except Matakah was rumored to be located in a dense jungle and not the middle of the ocean. It was the main reason Jared ever chose to pursue a career in Ancient History in the first place. He's not done so bad for himself. He's renown, accredited, and highly respected in his field. He's worked hard to build a reputation for himself based off his skill that also happens to be a passion, and he's earned this. Granted he had to pull a few strings to get it, but he's not complaining. It will be well worth it in the end, just to see the look on Jensen's face today, tomorrow, in a month from now. 

Jared swore to himself a long time ago that he would let the memories of Jensen go eventually. He and Jensen had a terrible falling out, and they'd effectively went their separate ways. Jared made sure of that. Jensen had tried reaching out to him for the better part of a year after the fight, but Jared thwarted all his attempts at communication until one day. Jensen just stopped out of the blue. Granted he had told Jensen to walk away and never look back, but Jared never actually thought he would. Jared grudgingly accepted that part of his life was over, and tried move on with the rest of it. He took care of his physical needs the best he could. He drank when he needed to, he fucked around when he had to. He never did anything too reckless. Jared was one with expensive tastes, and frugal habits. 

Everything was moving along nicely, until about 5 months ago when he received a call from Jensen. Then everything changed. Jared spent time figuring out how the events had culminated to Jensen's calling him up again cause he was certain it would never happen.

Jensen had unearthed some papyrus scroll in Egypt. That part of it wasn't a secret. He'd kept up with everything Jensen was doing, but this time it was different. Jensen was so enamored with the scroll he actually took a bunch of photos and notes, analyzing the area around where the document was found. Of course, the museum he sent it to wasn't interested in the photos or the notes Jensen had painstakingly gathered. They happily took the scroll and gave him a shit ton of money to walk away from it. Jensen did walk away, but Jensen obviously had a thing for holding onto what is out of his reach. He refused to be bought to off.

He followed the scroll's movement at the museum. First it was in preserves, and then on display a couple short weeks after its arrival in Cairo. Once on display, Jensen and his team (yes apparently he drug them in as well) visited the museum as tourists. They asked all sorts of questions about the scroll and made all kinds of speculations (none of which were accurate) causing a stir. Added interest was taken in the scroll. Some wanted testimony to support Jensen's claims, and others wanted to support Felicia's. Very few could support Chris' claims of ETs, but asked for documentation nonetheless. Jensen and his team then left quietly and separately. Jensen watched and waited until the document was taken off display. He knew for a fact it had been moved to the archives, and not the area where documents are stored. The research archives. Documents go there to be studied, and if they were going to be properly studied, who would they call? 

Like clockwork, they called Jared to come down and have a looksee. He'd only laid eyes on the scroll all of five minutes before a call came through. It was from Jensen. Of course, Jared didn't know at the time he'd answered who it was. 

"This is Jared,"

"I know who you are," 

Jensen kept his tone low and even. It made the little hairs on the back of Jared's neck stand on end. The chill it sent through him stopped him dead in his tracks. He knew Jensen was the one to retrieve he scroll, and for a brief moment he assumed he’d walked into a trap of revenge. He didn't even think to ask how Jensen got his number. _Apparently, Jensen had kept up with him too_.

Jared hadn’t said anything in greeting, and Jensen didn’t want him to hang up, so he changed his tone all together. "I've got something for you," He says sweet and genuine, like he's offering an unexpected birthday gift. 

Jared breathes a sigh of relief (when had he sucked in breath?). He knows he's being played and not stalked. This, he can handle. "Oh yea, what's that? A postcard?"

"Not exactly," Jensen's voice turns to a neutral tone. Jared's talking to him. _This is good. Keep going_ his mind encourages. "I have ground level notes and pictures. I'll give 'em to you Jare. All you gotta do is tell me where to leave them, and I'll drop them, no strings. You don't even have to see me."

Jensen's talking a mile a minute. He's nervous. Jared can tell. He's one of the few people that can. He cuts him off, but not to be rude. "What's in it for you Ackles?"

It's a legitimate question. Jensen knows. Normally he would think it was nothing personal, but this is Jared. That means it's personal. "Nothing. Just make sure you make the most of my evidence, please. It took me weeks to collect it."

"What are you trying to prove?" Jared switches tactics, throws the double entendre out there, wondering which one Jensen will assume he means. 

"Part of what the Vatican has been hiding all these years," It never crosses Jensen's mind to consider that Jared may have been referring to what Jensen was trying to prove to Jared about himself. This is about the scroll. 

That's an honest answer that Jared is willing to accept. Jensen answered immediately, but not too fast. That response wasn't rushed nor hesitant; definitely not rehearsed. It was sincere. "Mmmk, Al Azhar Park. There's a fountain there. Bring your findings to the south side. I'll be there to pick it up at 23:00 sharp."

Looking back, Jared remembers how his heart sank when he heard the click. He hadn't realized it was floating until it came crashing down. He tried to remain hopeful at the park, thinking Jensen may have decided to deliver it personally. Jared hadn't said for him to just drop and leave, that was Jensen's offer. Jared never took him up on it, so he logically assumed there was a good chance he would see Jensen there maybe even get to talk to him in person; get a better read on him. It didn't come to pass. Jensen had left a messenger bag containing the documentation, and Jared retrieved it easily. He felt eyes on him the whole time, but he wasn't foolish enough to hope it was Jensen watching. _He probably sent Chris to ensure the package reached its intended recipient._

You think you're over a major trauma because your day to day runs together for so long. Too many years pass, and soon enough you're having to dig further and further back to even remember why you were so traumatized to begin with. You don't want to dig that far back anymore. It's exhausting, and the negative evocations aren’t worth the effort, so you let it go willingly and move on with life. The horrible memories fade, and they're no longer painful. Now they're dulled, and life is peachy. Jared was at that perfect peachy stage until he heard Jensen's voice for the first time in years. Then everything came rushing back to him all at once, and he obsesses over it. 

Since then all Jared could think about was working with Jensen--in a direct way. Yes, a direct, hands on (literally) approach would be best. He wanted to make the moves he'd been too scared to make before. He had to know if it would make any difference.

Ever since publishing his article with the help of Jensen's evidence all Jared thought about was working with him again. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed him. He felt guilty and ashamed for shutting him out all that time. Jensen had said some downright hateful shit to him, but he did try to apologize. He did try to rebuild bridges, but Jared kept striking matches to them. Even such, Jensen still reached out to Jared because he knew Jared was the one with the most pull. The one who was the most listened to. Everyone wanted Jared's professional opinion, and that's why Jensen had sought him out after all this time. As much as this boosted Jared's ego, it didn't help ease the disappointment he felt in his chest.

Then, like a miracle from above, satellite images depicting the fabled Matakah began pouring in. This was exactly what Jared had been waiting for. He and Jensen needed a 'case' to work together, and Matakah was perfect. They were both fascinated with the story as children, and actually bonded over it in their college days. If anything could get Jensen to work with Jared again it would be Matakah. _Providence._

He couldn't approach Jensen directly of course. Jared was too worried he may politely decline, and beat him to the punch (running off and planning his own expedition without Jared). That wasn't a chance Jared was willing to take. No, there had to be a way to ensure Jensen wouldn't be able to say no once he learned who he'd be working along side.

So, Jared met with Mark, a wealthy underground investor. He needed a way to launder his money, and Jared had the perfect investment. It was a minor set back that Mark didn't accept the investment at face value. Jared couldn't blame him though, there was a good chance this would be considered a loss for Mark. There was no guarantee Matakah would even be found, or if there was any treasure to be had.

However, it was a sure win for Jared. Mark's money would ensure that Jensen and his team would eagerly join the expedition regardless of who was on it. The extra capital would ensure Jared could turn his dreams to reality. That's why when Mark agreed to a tax free sizable donation, Jared didn't reject his advances. He let Mark fuck him face down on the bridge of his yacht like some common whore. He didn’t get off on it, but he didn't protest either.

He happily cleansed himself of Mark with a hot shower and thoughts of Jensen. He couldn't stop thinking about the way things used to be. Whatever he had to do to get that back was worth it. Jensen was now his addiction, and since addiction is a proven medical condition, Jared will make no apologies.

He petitioned the local government agencies of the deepest part of the jungle in Southern Africa, bought off the major logging companies with Mark's generous funds, and then he waited. Satellite images and eye witness accounts found their way to Jensen's desk that same week. As expected Jensen filed for a permit to explore the area, and was promptly denied. He was informed that an expedition to the site had already been approved and the government didn't want too many cooks in the kitchen (or shovels in the ground). Jensen's hopes were shattered again. He'd been waiting his whole life for a find like this, but someone else had made it there first. 

Imagine his surprise when he got a call from a Mr. Mark Pellegrino the following day. Apparently Mark had noticed his work during the Egyptian trek a few months back, and was quite impressed with his efforts. It was Mark that had put the expedition to Matakah together, and as benefactor of that expedition he was calling to personally invite Jensen and his team to join. Jensen didn't bother containing his enthusiasm. He eagerly accepted the invitation, and was even more ecstatic to learn that he could bring Felicia and Chris along with him. He was so happy in fact, he'd forgotten all about asking who else would be joining them. 

The call Jared had Mark to place to Jensen was a mere formality. Jared had caught his mouse. The permit had been in his possession for a week, and Jared was itching to get on with the plan. In order to do that, Jensen and his team had to be brought onboard. Jared couldn’t do it himself, so he delegated, and listened in on the line while all his pieces fell into place. Seconds after hearing the click, he sent the official permit via courier to Jensen’s office. He would have it in hand first thing the next day.  


Coming back to the present, Jared draws a deep breath and steps inside the building. _No turning back._

***************************************************************************************************************

Jensen received the official permit, and had to sit down. Jared's name was listed at the top of the paper, and it made Jensen's world spin. No part of him was excited about working with Jared again. He wasn't angry or bitter. He was just over it. He'd said some shit to Jared that Jared could never forgive and that was that. Jared made it pretty damn clear how he felt about Jensen after the fact, and Jensen's sure he still feels the same way today. 

Besides, even if he wanted to live and let live, there's no way he could let himself go beyond an impersonal connection. He would get too attached too fast again, and then the inevitable dropping shoe would crush him like a bug. Losing Jared again would be the end of him. He’s sure of it.

They hadn't really spoke since that fateful day Jared drove the final nail into the proverbial coffin. They hadn't needed to. But now, there was no avoiding it. Here, in his office first thing in the morning Jensen began anxiously worrying over a cup of bitter black coffee.

He figured Jared would come to him upon learning who else had been selected for the expedition because there was no way in hell Jared would ever expect Jensen to search him out for a face to face. Jensen ponders having the element of surprise on his side for the unavoidable confrontation. It could work to his advantage.

No, from what Jared told him all those years ago, Jared would have to be the one to make the first move. It's Jared's turn to try making amends. Jensen knew he was fooling himself there that's why he'd brewed the coffee so bitter. He and Jared hadn't parted with any hopes for reconciliation, and now their respective teams have been combined to go after Matakah. 

The logical part of Jensen’s brain knew why they had been selected for this. It was no question, Jared was the best in his field of Ancient History and Jensen was the best archeologist of his time. Chris, their linguist, had an ear and eye for dead languages, and that's proved useful more than once. Felicia, their tech guru, had all the latest navigation and satellite tech. Misha, the survivalist, was the strategist. He knew the best way to go. Chad was an engineer. Jensen wasn't sure why exactly he'd been selected, but an engineer was always handy to have around, right?

A small noise rattles Jensen from his thoughts, eyes darting toward the door. "Oh hi," it comes out stilted and Jensen clears his throat to try again. _Wow, here already_.

"So," Jared begins, "They weren't joking," Felicia, Jared assumes, and Chris, Jared knows for sure, had told him upon entering that Jensen was having a rough morning.

Jensen gulps down another drink of coffee and shakes his head, "No they weren't." He doesn't meet Jared's eyes. "Looks like your stuck with me on this one as much as I'm stuck with you cause I'm not walkin' away from this,"

Of course Jensen would assume Jared's apprehensive about working with him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He watches Jensen carefully, reading everything he can from his body language and filing it away for later.

Jensen's eyes trail down to his preliminary research on his desk. He waves an absent hand over them. Jared's obviously not going to walk away either, so he may as well get this over with.

"Swhat I got so far," 

Jared keeps his movements stiff as he crosses the room, "Where's the permit?"

"Should have known that's what you came here looking for," Jensen meets his gaze head on, hard.

"I want to make sure everything's in order," Jared gives as an explanation-not a defense. He's well aware what Jensen thinks of him, and he's trying to let it go. He led with the permit because he knows for a fact the only copy arrived at Jensen's office just this morning.

Jensen holds the requested documentation up for Jared's inspection, but he doesn't let him take it in hand, "Got all we need right here."

Jared eyes the document carefully. Jensen the douche he is, won't allow Jared a closer look. From what Jared can see all the names requested are listed on the permit along with their specialties, and how long they have to conduct their studies. Jared nods his approval and moves his head back. _No switcheroos. ___

____

"That's settled, now if you'll get with my girl out there, make the plans." Jensen tells him dismissively. 

____

"I think it's better to plan this excavation directly with you. That's why I'm here." Jared boldly takes a seat across from Jensen's desk. 

____

Green eyes flare at him across the table, "I don't think that's such a good idea. The last time we tried to plan anything, everything went to shit." 

____

Jared knows all too well how everything went to shit. He's not been right since, "I was hoping we could put the past behind us and get on with this. It's bigger than both of us, and neither of us are kids anymore."

____

Jensen considers everything Jared says but he's still not convinced, "Look I'm sure you have a ton of great ideas and Felicia will love to hear all about them. I ain't got nothin'. I work in the dirt with my hands. That's all I'm good for. You remember, right Jared?"

____

Jared glares. He should have known it wasn't going to be this easy, "And I suck with numbers, so maybe it's best I just stay out of all that. Point taken Jensen, but you have your research in front of you. Wanna compare notes at least?” Jared tries to find some common ground to build civility on.

__It doesn’t work, “Take them with you and leave. I’m not your study buddy.” Jensen snaps standing to turn his back on Jared to look out the window. He hesitates a brief moment, maybe that’s not a good idea._ _

__“Is that anyway to greet an old friend?” Jared takes in the view of Jensen’s backside, and spreads his legs to get more comfortable as all the blood starts rushing south._ _

__“We didn’t part as friends. I’m sure you remember.” Jensen turns to meet Jared’s gaze head on._ _

__“How can I forget?” Jared’s tone turns dark, and he stops himself from placing a hand on his growing cock-- _too bold_._ _

__“I wish I knew,” Jensen murmurs as he turns back around._ _

__“What was that?” Jared jerks forward a bit to listen closer._ _

__“Nothing,” Jensen grits out. “Seriously, I’m not going to have a hand in planning this excursion of ours. Given our history, I think it’s best if I stay out of it.”_ _

Jared leaves Jensen's office without another word or a backwards glance. Everything's going to shit already, and there's no doubt in his mind Jensen will lay all the blame at his feet again. Jared knows it will be different this time because he's not going to accept it willingly as he did before. He wasn't BSing. They're not kids anymore, and Jensen would do well to remember that.

____


	2. Get Over It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris tries to decipher what's up with Jensen, and Jensen deflects as usual, but his actions speak far louder than words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is probably the official start of our story. There's very little or no back story in this one.
> 
> Also, if you have any ideas on what tags I should add, feel free to let me know.

Jensen takes a generous swig from his flask, and then looks at it in wonderment. _When had he put down the coffee cup and picked up the flask?_ , his mind wonders, trying so desperately to remember. _Oh yea, right_. He remembers that he didn't want to remember, and steels his nerves. He'll get through this expedition just fine. Jared's only a name on a piece of paper that gives him his right to excavate, and that's how they'll remain. Completely professional, impersonal. That's why he had to blow Jared off when he walked into his office. It was like the sun, he couldn't get too close without burning up. Jared was better worshiped from afar.

“Let it go, Man!” Chris is trying his best to remain supportive of his friend. He and Jensen go way back, and he knows that not many people can get a read on Jensen the way he can. He knows this trip has got his nerves tore up because he'll have to work with Jared again. It's his job as Jensen's best friend, to encourage him on the path to happiness. He looks at Jensen, and then corrects, peace. Chris is to encourage Jensen on the path of peace.

“Fuck you! I can’t work with that pretentious snot. I don’t care how renowned he is. The general public just doesn't realize what a world class douche he is.” Jensen settles back from his sudden outburst. His chest is tight, and he seems to be the only one having a problem working with Jared. His initial plan of white knuckling his way through this expedition died fifteen minutes ago when Chris walked into his office anxious to hear about their upcoming plans.

Since evidence of Manatah’s lost city found its way to Jensen’s desk, he’s been chomping at the bit to get out there and explore it. Excavating, to him, is about so much more than just digging for rocks. Always has been. He specializes in unearthing long lost treasures. This is what he does. He doesn't do it for fame or glory, he does it because it feels good. He doesn’t even know why this trip calls for a historian in the first place. He’d gladly send back whatever was required for their studies. He always does. Jared can attest to that, so why did he need to be at ground zero the second the items were retrieved anyway? _Fame whore_. Jensen takes another hearty swig. _Wait. Jared didn't choose this, he was recruited same as you._ He puts the flask down.

“I understand,” Chris tells him calmly. His palms are placed outward in hopes of placating Jensen. “I’m just saying, you can avoid the trip all together or suck it up and work with Jared. How bad could it be?” 

Jensen lets out a frustrated sigh that Chris doesn’t miss. Jensen knows Jared probably jumped at an opportunity like this, much like he did himself. Jared couldn't possibly be happy about working with him either. He had shown up at Jensen's office, but that was probably so he could control every step of the excursion, or rub the past in Jensen's face; show Jensen what he's been missing out on all these years.

“Exactly what happened between you two anyway?” It’s a bold question, but Chris knows the best approach with Jensen is a direct approach. They go back far enough that he’s able to get away with it. He knew about that spat during their tenure at Cambridge, but Jensen was always reluctant to talk about those days from any angle, so Chris was never able to determine any details of what went down.

Jensen's shaken from his thoughts. He glares at Chris across the table. “Nothing,” he bites outs, and then calms a little. “He’s always been a know it all and a fame whore. I don’t work with people like that. Money…Fame….That’s not what’s important here and you know it.” 

Chris looks a bit uneasy. He senses there’s more to it, but he knows better than to push too far. He shakes his head letting it go, “Maybe he’s changed.” 

“Pssha,” Jensen reaches into the top desk drawer on his right, “He’ll never change. Here’s your proof.” He throws down a copy of a Nat Geo Magazine that’s three months old. Jared’s on the front of it examining the papyrus scroll that Jensen pulled from an Egyptian tomb not five months ago.

Chris leans forward to eye the magazine without picking it up. He notices the date at the top, but doesn’t say anything. Jensen pulled it from his most used drawer, and he’s held onto it all this time. _Nothing happened, indeed._

"I collected everything and made sure it found it's way to Jared's hands. He didn't even mention my efforts here, or share any gratitude for the find." Jensen takes another sip of his flask. He's going to need a lot more alcohol to survive this. 

"If I remember correctly boss, that's how you'd insisted it would be." Chris takes the magazine, and flips to the article. "See there, you got your due."

Chris points to his name as the article's only contributor. Seriously, the teeny tiny fine print listed with the references, hold Jensen's credentials and no other.

Jensen doesn't look at it. He knows how well Jared cited and documented his work. He's also aware of how Jared never once mentioned him directly in the article. At first he was hurt, now he's only pissed. He takes another sip of whiskey.

"Did he stop and talk to Felicia on his way out?"

"Nope. He sulked away quietly." Chris, like a normal person, at 11am is sipping coffee. "Whatever you said or didn't say tore him up pretty good. He was a skittish cat when he came in, and a kicked puppy when he left."

Jensen doesn't even wanna picture it or remember this morning. He goes to take another healthy sip only to realize his flask is empty. "This trip ain't gonna plan itself," Jensen muses aloud to Chris. He knows he and Jared planning it is out of the question, but maybe their respective colleagues could work together.

"Don't I know it boss," Chris stands, "I'll leave you to it." He leaves Jensen's office before he can protest. Chris obviously wants no part of the actual planning either.

Jensen grits his teeth and picks up the phone to call Jared.

“Ello,” A strange voice answers on the first ring, “What can I do for you today?”

“I need to speak with Jared Padalecki please,” 

“I’m sorry he’s in a meeting, very important, not to be disturbed.” Misha keeps his tone flat, but quick.

“He’s gonna wanna take this one,”

 _Who does this guy think he is?_ “I’m sorry sir, what’s your name? What do you want?”

“Jensen Ackles,” Jensen keeps his tone even, “Get him now, or I’ll tell him it’s your fault he didn’t get to hear what I have to say.”

Misha doesn’t like this dudes tone, it’s all wrong. It’s not like Jared to have a one-night stand or something calling the office, so this is probably important. “Give me 2 minutes.”

“Clocks tickin’”

Jensen hears the receiver being placed against a surface, and then being picked up again not a minute later. Jensen smirks, and shakes the final drops from his empty flask.

"Now you wanna talk?" Jared says in way of greeting, sounding slightly out of breath. 

"Uh yea, sorry I blew you off this morning. If you still wanna plan this thing with me I'm all for it." Jensen concedes, swallowing any pride he may have been clinging to.

"It's too late for that Jensen. I have my crew working with your crew, and when it goes to hell and it will go to hell, you're not blaming me for the clusterfuck."

Jared slams the receiver and retreats back to his one man meeting. He's about to set off for parts unknown in a short time with Jensen, and he needs to make sure he's ready for it, mind and body. He remembers all too well the power Jensen held over him in college, and he's determined not to fall prey to it again. This time around Jared intends to be the one holding all the cards.

Jensen opens and closes his mouth to the dead receiver. If that's the way Jared wants it, fine. Jensen knew trying to work with him was a bad idea. He hangs up the phone and leaves to make a liquor run, thankful he's within walking distance of where the liquor lives.


	3. Only a Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five guys and girl take off down a river on a boat. Motion sickness and fighting ensue. Then some weird things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Jared shows some mild symptoms of anxiety here. Some may even label it as PTSD because of the nightmares, and the way his mind travels back to that. ***Fair Warning*** Jensen does NOT react well. (please don't hate me)
> 
> Jared comes out of it pretty easily though when he's pulled from the oblivion and comes face to face with the present. 
> 
> Jared downplays it in his head and doesn't open up about it for some time. It's not a major arch of the story or anything, he only considers it a nuisance he wishes he could live without. 
> 
> If it's any consolation, when he eventually let's Jensen in on it (the nightmares and anxiety), Jensen's able to provide the comfort and reassurance Jared needs. 
> 
> There is a happy ending to this, I promise. It's just going to take some time to get there.
> 
> The anxiety Jared has stems from the nightmares he had after his and Jensen's fight four years ago. The attack he suffers on the boat is the first of its kind in years, and it's only one of two he'll have in this story. Deep breath, everything's gonna be okay.

The next day finds Jensen hungover and trying his damnest to hold it together as he loads the boat with their gear. It’s eight o’ clock in the morning and the sun is already shining down brightly.

“It’s too early for this crap,” He mutters to Felica as he works.

She’s fiddling with a comms device, trying to adjust the frequency just so, “The sooner we get going the better. You don’t want to be on this river at dusk.” She gives up all pretense of adjusting the device to hit its side with the heel of her hand.

Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t want to know. He deals with dirt, not water. Ignorance is bliss. The less he knows about this river, the happier he’ll be.

The machine whirls to life in Felicia’s hand causing Jensen to jump and his head to throb. “What the hell?”

“It serves as a tracking device and a two-way radio. Figured we could use it. It will continuously report our location, and give us the ability to signal for help. Can’t never be too careful.” She packs the device away in her pocket, not bothering to detail that it’s homemade. She doesn’t like off the shelf tech. It’s too hard to fix when it breaks, and it always breaks.

“I think that’s got us loaded.” Chris announces as he brings the last of the cargo aboard, “Where’s the rest of our team?” He looks around noticing for the first time that it’s only them there.

Felica checks her watch, “It’s already nearing 9. We really need to be leaving if we’re going to make any time at all.”

Jensen starts to fume. He doesn’t say anything though. He wants to tell Chris that he was right not to want Jared on their team. Jared’s never stuck to any plan, even the ones he made for himself. _That's not true,_ his mind supplies. Jared wanted fame and glory and that's exactly what he got. Maybe he can stick to a plan, so long as it doesn't involve Jensen.

It’s past 9 by the time Jared and his team arrive at the dock with just as much cargo as Jensen and his team had.

Jensen doesn’t look at him. He keeps his arms folded, facing the front of the ship.

“I don’t think we’re going to have room for all this stuff you’ve brought,” Felica doesn’t stand on occasion to impress. She’s aggravated about the late start and worried about nightfall that is less than 12 hours away. All the extra cargo will slow them down even more. 

Jensen hears mumbling of something, but it’s too low. He can’t make it out, so he turns around. He recognizes one of the men with Jared right away. It’s Chad. Jared’s _new_ best friend. The other, he has to assume is Misha. Seeing the face, doesn’t really help Jensen know who he is though, but he had answered Jared's phone yesterday, so they must be close.

Felicia’s speaks again, loud and clear, “Well, surely you can just leave some of this here. We won’t have a need for it. We already have our own equipment.” 

Chad shouts back, “Our fancy stuff is just as important as yours, right Jay?” 

_Pet names, how cute_. Jensen’s anger (probably jealously, but he'd deny it) is threatening to get the better of him. He turns back around just so no one gets hurt.

Before Jared can respond, Felecia caves. “You’ve thrown us far enough behind already. Store your shit below deck, and don’t dwaddle.”

“We weren’t late, y’all are early. It’s only a quarter after 9,” Chad says blowing her off.

“You were supposed to be here at 8. Remember?” Felica retorts, not to be taken lightly.

“I said 10,” Misha corrects.

“Who said 8?” Jared wonders aloud because this is the first he’d heard of any time other than 10. He had gone over getting everything ready the day before to ensure they would be here on time. By his calculations, they were precisely 45 minutes early. Not a bad a window.

“I did,” Comes Jensen’s firm voice from the front of the boat. He doesn’t bother looking back to the crowd. He can feel their stares and that’s enough for him. 

_Maybe in your own head, but never aloud,_ Jared's teeth keep a firm grip on his tongue. He refuses to start this journey with heated words. 

“Hurry up. Get a move on.” Felica shouts, breaking into Jared’s thoughts.

“Can’t we just work together?” Misha wonders aloud.

 _Clusterfuck already,_ Jared muses to himself, and then tries to remember exactly why he didn't jump in and help with the planning. Haven’t even been a part of this team for five minutes and his side is already getting the blame for a late start. He grabs only what he can carry with him onboard, leaving the rest behind on the dock. _Not that important anyway._

Chad and Misha don’t break stride as they step on the boat with their hands full. Neither of them look back to the dock to see that Jared didn’t grab everything. The three make their way to the hull of the boat to store their belongings.

“Small boat, not a lot of privacy.” Chad notices looking around.

“There’s no room for shyness here,” Felica snaps. “You’ll be happy to know that we’ll be on the river a lot longer now thanks to you.” She turns sharply on her heel. “Suck it up.”

Jared doesn’t waste any time following after her. He doesn’t like small, enclosed spaces. He’d rather remain on top deck for this part, and leave Chad with all the privacy a boy could want.

The boat is already in motion before any of Jared’s team can get themselves settled in. He finds a place toward the back of the boat to get comfortable and avoid getting motion sick. He realizes too late that the baggage he left behind contained his extra clothes, water, food, journal, and _pills_. All his personal belongings now left behind, he bares down for the long haul. He's on the same boat with Jensen, and they're destined for the same place. All Jared needs to do know is hold his own along with his breakfast. _Extras aren't required._

Jensen wishes he would have chartered a larger boat. He hadn’t considered the space and weight of the extra equipment, and Chris had sworn he took care of all their last-minute prep. He doesn’t say anything to Felicia though. She’s content to blame Jared and his team, and he’s going to leave it at that. _You can’t be Mr. Perfect all the time, can you Jared?_

********************************************************************************************************************

It’s high noon before Jensen leaves the wheel. He heads below deck to make himself a sandwich.

He’s less than pleased to find that Chad and his crap are blocking his way to the small cupboards. “You mind if a make a sandwich?” He says haughtily at Chad’s mixed expression.

“Uh, not stopping you.” 

“You and your shit are in my way,” Jensen snaps, “Move,” 

Chad realizes where Felicia had them store their things for the first time, and then he scrambles to move and get everything out of Jensen’s way.

“Jensen, did we pack any Dramamine?” He hears Felicia’s voice shouting to him from above before he can revel in watching Chad squirm around him.

Jensen’s sure they did, but he doesn’t know where. He starts rummaging through the draws below the countertop. When he finds it in the third drawer down he yells back, “Yea, I found some,” 

“Good, bring it up!” Comes her instant reply. 

Jensen hastily puts the pills in his pocket, finishes the sandwiches, and grabs some crackers and a couple bottles of water before retreating to the top. Chad glares at him, but doesn’t say anything.

Jensen finds Felicia at the back of the boat attending to their sick crew member. As he approaches it doesn’t take long to deduce that it’s Jared who’s gotten sick. Jensen smirks to himself, _He always did have a weak stomach._

He doesn’t say anything though, and as soon as Jared sits upright again, he wipes the smirk from his face. Misha is handing Jared a cool towel, and Felica releases the hair she had been holding for him. Jared looks too pale and out of place here. He should have known to take medication before he ever set foot on the boat, but he didn’t. _He was probably too rushed_. Guilt washes over Jensen with a vengeance.

He looks down to the plate of food he'd gathered helplessly, _I can’t believe I’m doing this_ , Jensen tries to stop himself as he kneels in front of Jared, placing the plate of food within his view.

Hazel eyes meet his with confusion. Jared shouldn't look at him, must look away. He tries to divert his gaze from Jensen, but then Jensen speaks so softly, and Jared can’t look away.

“Eat something. Whatever you think you can stomach. I have medicine.” Jensen reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small vile of pills. He places them on the edge of the plate, so Jared will know what they are and be sure to take them after he eats. He lays both bottles of water to rest next to Jared's outer thigh so he can feel them, and know they're there.

Jared can only just barely muster a slight nod at Jensen’s words. 

Jensen’s on his feet and back at the wheel so fast if it weren’t for the plate with the pills and the water he left with Jared, Jared would think he’d just imagined the whole thing. 

Jensen's mind is going in all different directions trying to explain away his actions. He can't possibly care enough about Jared; especially after all this---everything---to just give up his meal. He couldn't stand to see Jared like that. Just like before, he finds himself getting sucked into Jared wanting to comfort him, take care of him, protect him. He can't let himself get too close again. He needs to man up if he intends to survive this trip, but how in the world is he supposed to do that? Jensen was never a hard hearted person, but if he intends on not getting it shattered again he needs to find a way to get there fast.

"You go on below. Get somethin' for yourself this time. I'll hold her steady,"

Chris' words echo through Jensen's head, disrupting his train of thought. Wordlessly he goes below to see if he can find something else to eat.

  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  


Evening has settled, and Felica has been pacing back and forth along the bridge for the past 30 minutes, tsking nervously to herself. Chad is still tucked away below deck, and Chris and Misha are in the middle of a card game at the back of the boat. Jared still hasn't moved from the last place Jensen seen him. Everything is eerily calm. _The calm before the storm,_ thinks no one.

“Okay, I’ll bite.” Jensen speaks cutting Felicia off mid-tsk. “What’s so bad about being on the river at night?”

“There are man-eating fish in this river. They hunt at night...Yea...right, go ahead...laugh, c'mon, get it all out..." She pauses before continuing, "It’s rumored they can jump the boat.” She does her best to remain calm while Jensen’s laughing in her face.

“Okay,” He says, finally catching his breath (Man, he needed that), “If the river is so dangerous right now, how come we didn’t set up camp earlier?”

“Because _that’s even more dangerous_. Fish can’t come ashore, and there are far worse threats on land. These lands are home to beasts that haven't even been discovered by science yet. Nobody knows what they're capable of or how to defend against them."

“So what do we do?” he asks, feeling well put in his place.  
“Keep calm...Hold the boat steady...and pray.” she replies, tone completely serious.

“I’m not exactly the praying type. I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

“Just keep your voice down, and hold the boat steady then.”

“Guess _I_ won’t be getting any sleep tonight.” Jensen mutters looking out into the darkness.

“I wouldn’t recommend it. Keep your senses sharp.” She resumes her pacing, but without the tsking.

It doesn’t escape Jensen’s notice that she hasn’t shared this information with anyone else. He assumes she probably doesn’t want them freaking out. They’ll need to keep everyone calm and quiet through the night. He doesn’t agree with that plan. At least, not fully. Chris, he knows for a fact, is a pretty level-headed dude. He should be made aware, so he’s not caught off guard. He would be more of a help than an hindrance. _Maybe Felicia didn’t tell him because he’s caught up in a game of cards with Misha._

Jensen can’t get a read on Jared’s teammates. _Like, at all._ He remembers Chad from Cambridge. He was always too loud and too annoying, the polar opposite of Jensen himself. He knows very little about Misha. Where he came from and exactly how close he and Jared are remain a mystery to him, and he’s not willing to contemplate it too much right now. _Bigger fish to fry_. He smirks at his own pun.

Just then there’s a clatter coming from the bottom of the boat. Misha and Chris jump into action toward the front of the boat and Jensen stomps downstairs.

“What gives Murray?” Jensen demands to Chad’s sleepy face.

“’Uh....the hell am I supposed to know?” He blinks blearily to Jensen, obviously just waken by the pounding on the hull.

Jensen’s face pales and he turns to see Felicia. She’s ghost white as well. “Tie everything down, and keep everyone away from the edges.” _That's not ominous t'all_

Misha is right behind her and Chad stands shaking off his sleepiness to tie all cargo down. Jensen heads up-deck to see what he can do there. _Surely Chris will need help._

Sure, enough Chris had his hands full, but it wasn’t with tying everything down. He had his hands full with Jared.

Shaking his head at the _drama queen_ , he moves past them to start tying; ever so mindful of Felicia’s warning about the edges.

Suddenly a rope slid loose and was going right through his hands like a warmed knife through butter. He could feel the burn and the tingling in his palms and fingers. It seemed the harder he griped the rope, the faster it would move.

“Jared,” He yelled out over the commotion of smaller objects bouncing around and the pounding from underneath, “Get your shit together and..DEAL. WITH. IT.” He was practically roaring by the time he finished. “Kane, I need your help.” He shouted, but softer this time.

Chris dropped Jared where he was on the bridge and grabbed the rope just before it could slide through Jensen’s hands completely, saving the generator along with most of their rations.

Jensen fell back looking at his hands. They were red, angry, and swollen. Blood was oozing from the rope burns, and his hands were shaking. Just _looking_ at them made them hurt worse.

Jared shook his head, still trying to come back to his senses. The pounding on the bottom of the ship had caused him to have some kind of stupid anxiety attack. He hadn't had one in years. His chest grew tight, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. Voices were screaming and shouting at him to ‘move’ and ‘stay away from the edge’, but they were too far away. Jared heard the words, but he hadn’t understood them. All he could understand were the nightmares, the pounding, the all-encompassing darkness. Jared was sure he was going to remain there forever, but as soon as he seen bloodied, shaking hands in front him, he came back to himself.

 _Jensen’s hands. Jensen’s bleeding. Jensen’s hurt. Jensen_. Jared sprung into action, flinging himself across the bridge. The pounding was getting stronger now. The boat was starting to sway back and forth with it, and Jared used the momentum to get to the other side of the bridge.

Before Jensen could think, _What the hell is he doing now?_ , Jared had returned with the first aid kit.

“I need to clean it out, but we can’t do that right now. This will have to do. Bite!” Jared places a piece of material to Jensen’s mouth, but Jensen refuses to open. It’ll be a cold day in hell before he ever lets Jared put anything in his mouth.

“You were always too damn stubborn. This is going to hurt.” Jared’s talking faster than Jensen's brain can keep up. He sprays the antiseptic burn spray to the palms of Jensen’s hands.

Jensen growls at the sudden pain, and tries to kick Jared away, but the boat is rocking too much. Jared straddles him, sitting on him, and holds his hand by the wrist, “I told you to bite. Hold still.”

Jared resumes spraying to get the undersides of Jensen’s fingers. It burns like hellfire, and all Jensen can do is growl and try to pull away. His other hand useless. As Jared switches hands, Jensen tries to buck up against him in an attempt to knock him off, but Jared just grinds down harder, “Stop it, Jen!"

The pet name freezes Jensen like an ice charm. He can’t move, can’t fight back, can’t even feel the pain in his hands anymore. He watches Jared finish with the spray.

Jared takes the gauze from the kit and it finally dawns on Jensen what he’s doing.

He holds his hands out stiffly while Jared wraps them carefully. Jensen loses himself in it. Yes, the boat is rocking them, they’re groin to groin, and the pounding is getting ever so louder. But here in this moment, Jared is wrapping and soothing his burning hands, and all Jensen can think is _Don’t stop, don’t ever stop_. His mind continues its silent pleas, but Jared’s work is already finished.

“All better.” Jared states. He’s climbing off Jensen, getting ready to scramble below deck when the boat rocks more violently. It sends him clamoring and falling right back on top of Jensen.

Jensen had automatically put his arms out to their sides turning his torso into a pillow for Jared to land on. Then he brought his arms inward to catch him fully, with a small noise in the back of his throat. “You’ve not grown anymore graceful, I see.” Jensen teases. He knew Jared was going to fall before it happened.

“And you’re solid as ever,” Jared’s tone is teasing, and he’s not sure where the quip came from. He’d always noticed how solid Jensen was underneath, how good it felt pressed against him, but he’d never bothered to mention it directly to Jensen’s face. _Now isn't the time for holding anything back._

“You’ve toned up yourself,” Jensen takes notice in Jared’s new form. He’s not the same scrawny kid he was in college. His muscles have filled out, and Jensen suddenly wants to feel them all. Jared twists, trying to right himself. He can feel Jensen flexing and pressing into his arms and torso, the touches are making his movements harder to complete, and he's not entirely sure what it's all about. Turns out standing up is not an option right now. He half crawls half rolls to the stairs to get below deck.

Jensen, having shaken himself from his stupor, is right behind him at the top of the stairs. Wordlessly, he links his arm with Jared at the elbow, and guides them both down the stairs to safety.

“Can these creatures break through the hull?” He aims the question to Felicia because she seems to be all knowing of the river’s dangers.

“I don’t think so.” She seems unsure, and it does very little soothe anyone’s frayed nerves.

“What happened to your hands?” Chris speaks up, noticing the wrappings.

“The burns from the rope.” Jensen states the apparent. It was Chris that secured the rope.

“Uhh, yea! How did they get wrapped Einstein?”

Jensen looks to Jared, and Jared gives him a 'So What?' look.

No one says a word. It would seem they _all_ know better, but that doesn’t stop them from exchanging a few knowing glances amongst themselves.

Chris puts his own first aid kit away, and they all hunker down, preparing for the worst.

*************************************************************************************************************************************

Dawn found the crew washed ashore and waking up in the most uncomfortable way. Chris’ hair was in Misha’s face and disheveled. Felicia was crouched down at the side of Chad’s thigh, and Jensen was curled up behind Jared with his face buried in Jared’s hair.  
_Awkward._

They all pulled apart from one another and stood, appreciating the solid feeling under their feet. Everyone was in one piece and they surveyed the damage down below while stretching out their aching muscles.

“I gotta piss,” Chris announces as he climbs the stairs.

“Stand in line boy,” Felicia chimes in as she follows after him.

“This I gotta see,” Chad, the perv that he is, joins them above deck.

“I better make sure he doesn’t bite off more than he can comfortably chew,” Misha says, making his leave.

Jared tries to avoid Jensen’s eyes. He busies himself with straightening up the cargo and clearing a place to make a spot of breakfast. He can’t look at Jensen, too afraid of what he’ll see, too afraid of how he’ll feel. _This_ is why he’d stayed away so long.

Jensen notices Jared’s unease around him, and he can’t blame him. Last night was just _weird_ and all sorts of fucked up. He shakes it from his mind blaming it on circumstance. Jared’s still a glory hound, and Jensen has no personal use for him. He is still only a name on a piece of paper that gives Jensen his right to excavate. Nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "...freezes Jensen like an ice charm."
> 
> The term 'ice charm' here is a shout-out to one of my 'new' favorite fics "Bastard of the Sea" written by the very talented thorkiship18. If you haven't read it, you totally should. It's really awesome. Here's the link: [Bastard of the Sea](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12879075/chapters/29419482) If you give it a read, don't forget to give the author some love! For those who care, I remember it to be a bottom!Jared fic.


	4. Three or Four Years Ago (depending on who you ask)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More back story. This takes place during the college days. The ins and outs of J2's relationship is depicted as well as the circumstance that led to their falling out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know it’s not fair for you to read this and not have **all** the information. Here’s the rest of the back story. No big deal, just an Ancient History project gone all wrong.
> 
> This is the part of the story where the initial fight came to mind, and during this story's completion I decided to leave it right here. There's cuddling and masturbation here along with some good ole fashioned mutual pining. 
> 
> Then there is a brutal fight (using only words) that doesn't end happy. Key plot points, so it's best to get it out of the way now.

“This is gonna be so awesome, Jen!” Jared doesn’t bother trying to contain his excitement. “We’ll not only get to build on our research, be we can also plan an actual expedition.”

“It’s supposed to be a simulated expedition, Jare.” Jensen doesn’t try to hide his annoyance.

“It’s simulated,” Jared points out, “Doesn’t make it any less real, not really.” Before going into the ins and outs of how reality is only determined by signals interpreted by the brain, Jared bites the inside of his cheek remembering that Jensen's not really all that 'into' Science never-mind Biology.

Jensen pulls his laptop closer to review his notes, “It’s not like we’d ever get the chance to put this into action. So, we’re only pretending. Really. No one has the slightest idea where this city actually was.” He’s not trying to be a Debbie downer. He just doesn’t want high hopes to come crushing down on his only friend.

“Okay, I can get onboard with playing pretend.” Jared agrees, “After all, playing pretend now will get us ready for the real thing later on.” He gives a wink and a pat on the head to Jensen as he crosses the room to the kitchen.

Jensen’s flummoxed, he can’t say anything here that won’t lead to an argument or hurt Jared’s feelings, so he remains close lipped. Jared reminds him of an over eager puppy shaking its tail with such enthusiasm it makes its whole body shake. Other times he reminds Jensen of a full-grown dog with a bone; he just won’t let it go.

Jared’s brilliant, logical, fun loving, and beautiful. Jensen can feel himself falling already, and it’s only been a couple a few months. He watches Jared in amusement as he prepares their lunch. Jensen likes his chips on the side of his plate _like a normal person_.

Jared, the heathen he is, prefers his actually _on_ his sandwich.

“Saves time,” Jared had told him between bites when Jensen had finally got up the nerve to call him on it. “Think about the time you take to eat the sandwich, then you take even more time eating the chips. Isn’t it faster to just eat them at the same time?”

Jensen couldn’t argue with that logic, so he didn’t say anything. It doesn’t stop the grin that comes on his face every time he catches Jared making a sandwich though. He tries to shake the grin off his face as Jared retreats with their lunch. 

“What?” 

_Caught. Again._ Jensen laughs, “You and your weird habits, man.” 

“Are adorable, I know.” Jared fanes finishing the sentence for him with a bat of his eyes.

Jensen doesn’t deny it. Maybe he should, but he just can’t bring himself to do it. It would be a lie, and honesty is too important to Jensen.

Jared notices that Jensen hadn’t bothered denying his crack comment, and he’ll happily take the win. He’d been trying to get Jensen to take notice of him for a year already. Then when it finally happened, Jared ended up with more than he could have hoped for. He was hoping for a hook-up with the adorable green-eyed boy, but ended up with a very close friend. That didn’t stop him from upping his game. He was thinking long term now-he and Jensen: forever. They had way too much in common to ever part ways. Matakah was just the icing on the cake. Then this project fell in their laps, and to Jared it was the finishing puzzle piece. Meant to be. _Providence._

***+++***+++***

It’s been almost a week and the project is moving a long nicely. Jensen had no idea of the advancements that had been made in Navigation and Satellite technologies. During his research, he had started to think that maybe Jared was right. Their game of pretend now could actually prepare them for a real-life expedition to Matakah. It was like a dream come true.

Jensen looks across the table at Jared. Finding _him_ was like a dream come true. They are the perfect compliment of one another. It has to be mutual because Jared doesn’t have any other friends; never talks about other people. Jensen can’t stand to be around anyone else longer than five minutes. He and Jared just fit together; like two halves of a whole.

Sure it had been kinda weird in the beginning with Jared always following him to classes, and then moving his schedule around so they could take the same classes together. He randomly started showing up with extra coffee in the mornings, and then having lunch with Jensen in the afternoons. Before long they were even hanging out together off campus.

Jared had been the one to suggest just living together once they were paired up for the project. Jensen's place was bigger, so Jared moved in with him. It's the first time Jensen's ever tried living with someone who wasn't his own family before, and the experience has been refreshing. Aside from the weird habits Jensen will probably never understand, Jared makes the perfect roommate. 

Jensen does his best to clear his head, and try to get back to work. Sure the project is a long ways off, but it's better to be done early and out of the way.

****************************************************************************************************************************************

There is a heavy weight pulling at Jensen’s right arm, lulling him into awareness. “Errrrahh,” he groans as the world comes back to him. “What is it?” He asks without even opening his eyes. He knows Jared’s pulling at him. _Who else would it be?_

“Dude, you fell asleep at the computer.” Jared gives him another light tug, “C’mon, Jen. Bed.” He stoops down and wraps Jensen’s arm around his neck. When he feels Jensen reflexively hold onto him, he stands. His other arm coming to rest around Jensen at the waist to steady him. Jared internally curses himself. If he had more muscle, he could carry Jensen in a fireman’s carry to bed. _No. Bridal style_. Jared’s heart flutters, and he makes a mental note to hit the gym more.

Jensen leans into him as Jared walks him to bed. When they finally arrive to Jensen’s bed, Jared guides him down on it easily; not wanting to get him too woke up.

Jensen lays down as soon as the bed's under him, and Jared turns to go back to his bed on the opposite side of the room. As he turns, Jensen grabs him just below the forearm, “Jare, please.”

Jared grins a chestier cat grin. _Like a charm_. Jensen always gets all cuddly when he’s tired or half asleep, and Jared eats it up. Can’t get enough really, it’s an addiction. _Apologize for nothing._

He curls comfortably into Jensen’s bed and Jensen’s arms. He can feel Jensen nuzzling closer to his added warmth and his heart melts. Yea, he’s aware this ain’t exactly friendly, but he reasons it’s not at all unfriendly either.

Jensen wakes the following morning snuggled up in Jared’s arms (They swapped positions, and only Jared knows how). He’s moved passed freaking out. Hell, he hadn’t even freaked out too much when it happened the first time. He snuggles back against Jared’s warmth just for a second before he’s got to get up and start his day. As soon as he pushes back, he can feel Jared’s hardness pressing against him. It’s comforting somehow. He never calls Jared on getting hard behind him; figures it’s just a physical response to stimulation. He does like the feeling of it though because it confirms his notions that they really are becoming more that ‘just’ friends.

He jerks himself off in the shower to a vision of him blowing Jared as he wakes him up; helping out-that’s all; just like any friend would do. Jensen knows he would be operating with ‘more than’ friendly intentions, but if Jared called him on it, he’d already have his excuse rehearsed. 

He imagines Jared grabbing him behind the ears and forcing him down harder as he fills his mouth. The look on ‘imaginary’ Jared’s face as he comes down Jensen’s throat has him coming hard and leaning against the shower door for support. His knees are threatening to buckle on him, so he lets himself down to the shower floor easily. If he collapses, he’s sure to wake Jared.

His whole body is still pulsing and thrumming when Jared comes in to use the bathroom. Jensen doesn’t say anything. He can’t, but he doesn’t need to anyway. They’ve never had personal space around each other. Jensen’s not sure now what’d he’d do if Jared suddenly stopped his invasion of privacy.

Jensen stops the shower and steps out grabbing for a towel. Jared brushes past him on his way in the shower; toothbrush hanging loosely in his mouth.

“Really?” Jensen can’t help it.

Jared’s in the shower under the spray and brushing his teeth. Jensen’s still shaking his head as he brushes his own teeth at the sink _like a normal person_.

He hears Jared rinse and spit. Before Jared can say anything in defense of his _other_ weird habit, Jensen speaks again.

“Dude, that’s disgusting.”

“Jen, we’ve been through this.” Jared keeps his tone calm. He doesn't want to go through it again, but (for Jensen) he will. “The backwash is rinsed down the drain. Look at that…gone already.” He cracks the door, inviting Jensen to look _all he wants_.

Jensen decidedly doesn’t take Jared up on his offer, too bold. And he knows he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes glued to the shower floor. “It’s principle of the matter, Jare. You don’t eat where you shit, and you certainly don’t brush your teeth where you wash your dick.” Jensen clamps his mouth firmly shut. _Should he really be talking about Jared’s dick right now?_

“Saves time,” Jared turns in the shower to wash his face, but before he puts his head under the spray he adds, “I would never eat where i shit! That’s just gross.”

Jensen gurgles with mouthwash, spits, and exists the bathroom. _Not_ thinking about Jared's dick.

Jared comes bounding from the bathroom almost right behind him. They each have a plush towel around them as they retreat back to their room to dress. Jared thinks about pulling at Jensen's towel. He debates on how much pull it would take to make the towel fall and expose what’s Jensen’s been hiding under it.

Pushing the thoughts aside he dresses quickly and goes to start breakfast. Jensen follows after him, dressed and ready to start the coffee.

It’s all a normal domestic routine for them. They had only known each other a couple weeks before agreeing to room together over the project. It had been a dream come true for Jared, and a new experience all together for Jensen. That was four months ago.

Jensen would have never been able to imagine himself living along side anyone at that time, but Jared’s case for why they should move in together was too logical for Jensen to question. Jared’s the smartest person he knows.  
\---except with numbers; quadratic functions specifically….That’s where Jared struggles the most.

************************************************************************************************

“You’re brilliant, not stupid.” Jensen encourages. “Just take your time the first time and then recheck. If you get the same totals, it’s a good indication you’re on the right track. If you get different numbers each time, try again. Third times the charm.” Jensen turns on his heel to get back to his notes.

“And what happens when all three numbers come up different?” It’s a legitimate question. Jared really struggles with numbers. No matter how hard he tries, or how long he takes, they usually end up jumbled around.

Jensen turns back with a golden smile, “You know where to find me.” He gives Jared a wink and then he’s gone. Jensen means it, too. For all the kid’s weird quirks: brushing his teeth while he showers, enjoying potato chips on (not with) his sandwich…He has an inane quality (and sound logic) to counter them. The only reason Jensen knows he human is because of the way he transposes his numbers *sometimes*. If it weren’t for that, Jensen would swear he was a demi-god of sorts. Of course, Jensen will work with him and encourage him until he gets it right. Cause that kid is super smart and way too hard on himself.

*********************************************************************************************************************************

**Three Weeks Later….**

“I can’t believe you have the balls to stand against me on this when you can’t even keep numbers straight!” Jensen exclaims, clearly exasperated with Jared. It’s a low blow, but Jensen knows he must take it if he stands any hope at winning this fight.

“I’m not standing against you. I’m only trying to point out, it takes a lot more than skill to get _anywhere_ in this world!” Jared yells back.

They’re toe to toe with locked eyes. Neither one willing to back down.

“Skill means very little without proper recognition of said skill,” Jared continues, “Why not just agree that we need both?”

“Because that adds weeks to this project that we don’t have. WEEKS; It may have slipped you’re notice but today is May 23. That 0523 and our final project, that we’ve been working on all semester, is due 0528. That’s 5 days.”

“Fuck you Jensen,” Jared breaks the eye contact, whirls around, and storms off. He has to. He can’t let Jensen see the tears that are now running down his face. He grabs his shoes and is out the door in 30 seconds flat. _He can count._

Jensen doesn’t bother to go after Jared, assuming he’ll calm down and come home when he’s ready.

During his run to nowhere in particular, Jared tires to use logic to explain Jensen’s hurtful behavior. He runs through the plays from all different angles and keeps coming to the same conclusion: _fabrication_.

Jensen was only _pretending_ this whole time. Why else he would turn over something so frivolous? He’s sure if they would have just worked through this together, they would still have plenty of time to get it finished. He’s not a complete idiot. He was well aware of the deadline.

His destination ends up being in front of Mark A Shepard, their Ancient History Professor. Jared’s completely flummoxed, and needs some academic (and professional) guidance. That used to be Jensen’s place, but he’s now resigned.

“Is there any way you can turn the project in as is?” Mark takes a long draw of scotch from his whiskey glass, trying to help Jared come up with the best possible solution.

“We would be submitting it nearly ¾ of the way complete. That’s 75% at best. Honestly, I’d rather retake the course.” Jared reasons.

“75% is still passing,”

“I don’t want this stupid fight affecting my GPA.” Jared doesn’t break eye contact. 

“You’re not kidding.” 

Jared shakes his head. “I’ll redo the whole project and submit it as an individual instead.” 

“You only have 5 days.” 

“I know,” Jared grits through clenched teeth. “I’ll see you next semester.”

Jared leaves before Mark has the chance to say anything else, or explain how that stunt will affect his grade and cumulative GPA. He assumes it’s not really worth going after Jared. He already intends to retake the course next semester. What’s the point? He continues to sit there quietly enjoying his scotch.

Jared comes back to the flat to find Jensen sitting at the table, not working on anything.

“Jare,” He calls across the room.

“Yea,” Jared answers, stock still. 

“Can we talk a minute?” 

Jared crosses the room to sit with Jensen, “Sure,”

“Listen, you’ve been a good friend to me, and I’m sorry for what I said. You didn’t deserve that.” Jensen tells Jared everything he thinks Jared wants to hear in hopes Jared will help him put the finishing touches on the project before submission.

Jared reads Jensen’s body language as he talks. _He’s lying. He doesn’t mean that_. Jared deflects, “I was hoping after…uh…” He stops and starts again, “I thought we were becoming more than just good friends.”

“Yea, me too,” Jensen looks down at his own confession. “I was hoping so,”

“But,” Jared can tell he's sincere, prompts him to continue.

“I’m just not good around people Jared. I’m sure you’ve noticed,” Jensen’s tone is all ice and his eyes hold a blank stare.

“Yea, I’ve noticed.” It hasn't escaped Jared's notice at all. That's what took the longest to get Jensen to notice him in the first place. He was always so detached from the world and people around him.

“I always knew that we would be forever or go down in flames.” Jensen's eyes flicker back up to Jared's to read his expression.

“So, this argument doesn’t come as a surprise to you?” Jared keeps his features schooled, his face doesn't reflect the heartbreak he's feeling inside.

“Not really, no.” Jensen’s voice is dead serious. No room for debate. Jensen always pushes too far. He'd really hoped Jared would be different, that he'd be able to see through all that.

“And what you said earlier, about being good friends, and the apology, you didn’t mean any of it?” Jared already knows the answer.

Jensen’s face pales, he goes eerily still, and makes no response. In a way he knew it was true. Jared was his best friend and didn't deserve anything Jensen had said to him, but he really mainly just wanted to wrap the project up and be done with it. He's not sure how to explain that, so he says nothing.

Jared gives a slight head nod and leans across the table, mere inches from Jensen’s face, “See, now, _that_ doesn’t surprise me.”

Jared moves out the next day. He found a listing at the University Library for a Chad Michael Murray, and called him up. Chad was apparently having a hard time finding a good steady roommate. Not many people could live with him. It seemed he and Jared had enough in common to make it work.

Jared returns to his and Jensen’s flat two days later to collect the rest of his things. He’s not surprised to see them waiting for him outside, but he is surprised Jensen had already changed the locks. _He never really felt anything. Did he?_

Jared drops his key by the door and leaves. Jared had grown so accustomed to wearing Jensen like a second skin. Jensen lifted him up and gave him the confidence he thought he’d never have. His math skills had improved greatly during the short time Jensen coached him.

It had taken so long for Jared to open up about the issue, and he’d been so afraid. Looking back now, he realizes he had every right to be. Jensen took his one weakness and used it against him for the sake of some random argument.

Hearing the words of encouragement in his head now only serves as a reminder of why Jared never needed Jensen in the first place. He was going to make it Matakah one day, and he’d get there by himself. Well, him and Chad would go. Chad’s not so bad after all.

He receives his final project grade on the last day of the semester. It’s 50%. Jared’s not surprised. He assumes Jensen got the same grade, if he turned anything in at all. Jared doesn’t care. He takes the blame for both of them failing and goes to see student services that afternoon to cover next semesters tuition on both student accounts, and have the class added as an elective so he can still finish on time. 

The phone calls start the next day, and Jared ignores every one of them. He's not sure what Jensen has to say, but he's sure he doesn't want to hear it. Jensen starts showing up at random places along Jared's daily routine, so Jared's forced to mix things up a bit. He starts brewing his coffee at home and moves his schedule around school the best he can. The still have Ancient History together, but Jensen seems so wrapped up in Chris' presence now, he barely notices.

Just before graduation Jensen shows up at Chad's apartment, alone. 

"Where's your butt buddy?" Jared doesn't bother hiding the venom in his tone. He answers the door, and remains within the threshold to prevent Jensen from coming in. 

"Wha..? Who? Chris?" Jensen gives a slight laugh, "That's not..Listen." 

"Whatever you've got to say, don't. Okay. I don't care, and I don't want to hear it. I'm over it." 

Jensen tries to push past Jared to get inside. He wants to finish what he came here to say before Jared slams the door in his face, but Jared places a flat hand against his chest to stop him. "Walk away Jensen."

That's when Jensen realizes that Jared's not the same scrawny kid he was 8 months ago. He's really put on some muscle in Jensen's absence, and Jensen didn't come here looking for a fight. "I just want to talk."

"Turn around. Walk away. And never look back." Jared nails a hard stare to Jensen's eyes as he punctuates each command with a slight push to Jensen's chest. 

It has the desired affect. Jensen's face falls. His eyes water, and Jared can feel the amount of heartbreak he still feels looking back at him. It feels good. Jensen's finally hurting the way he'd hurt him, and Jared wouldn't have it any other way. 

His nightmares end shortly after that. He doesn't dream of being trapped alone in darkness anymore. He's not afraid of tackling numbers or making new friends. Standing up to Jensen gave him the confidence he needed to get on with his life and chase his dreams. Standing up to Jensen gave him the confidence he needed to never look back and wonder.

Jensen never wonders either. It costed him a million tears, but now he knows for a fact there was nothing else he could do to salvage any civility with Jared. It felt much like being shot in the chest, but he'd tried for so long, and now there was nothing left for him to do, but get on with his life. He finally pushed everything so far down, it would never see the light of day again. That was the best place for it.


	5. Welcome to The Jungle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fighting. A moderate trek through the dense jungle. More fighting.
> 
> A few low blows, and a knee jerk reaction that leaves Jared with a black eye. 
> 
> Uncertainty at the end as the sun is setting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did go back and listen to the song. It has no bearing or relevance on this chapter. I'm not even sure where the name of this chapter came from, but I can guarantee it's not inspired by the song with the same name.

Last night and all its weirdness doesn’t leave Jensen’s head. He can’t shake it off. The way Jared reacted after he was hurt brought back too many painful memories. Painful memories he’d been avoiding all these years. Now, he’s forced to go back and remember them even though he still doesn’t want to. He looks down at his own bandaged hands. He’s pretty sure he can feel them throbbing under the wraps, but he doesn’t want to take anything for the pain. Somehow it serves as a reminder of Jared’s care, and Jensen doesn’t want to numb it.

Shaking off his internal musings, Jensen walks top deck to survey the damage done up there. It doesn’t look too bad, but it’s obvious the boat has washed ashore. 

“How long till we’re moving again? Can we make our drop point by noon?” Jensen speaks to Felicia, at the helm, eager to get an ETA.

She’s hitting the side of her machine, “I don’t know. The damn thing’s stopped working again.” 

She continues to beat on it, “What do you mean you don’t know?”

No answer.

“What don’t you know? How much longer until you do?”

“Jensen, I don’t even know where we are right now. How can I possibly know how much longer it’s going to take if I don’t know our exact coordinates?” She snaps.

“Can’t you radio? Find out where we are?” 

She shakes her head sadly, “It’s not working.”

“What the fuck Felicia? Fix it.” He snaps back. 

“I’ve got a two-way radio in our luggage somewhere,” Chad pipes up behind him. “I’ll go dig it out.” 

He disappears down the stairs, and Jensen turns back to Felicia.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen begins. “I didn’t mean to snap.” 

She nods her head still working with the machine in her head. She doesn’t say anything, but the tears in her eyes make Jensen feel like a heel. He turns to the back of the boat where Chris is standing with Misha.

“Morning, Boss.” Chris speaks over a cup of steaming coffee.

“Where’d you get that?” 

“Misha has a generator and gourmet, brewed a fresh pot this morning.” Chris smiles this time, savoring the rich flavor.

“Don’t mind if I do” Jensen says, helping himself to a cup.

“I didn’t offer,” Misha starts to say, but an icy stare from Jensen shuts him up. 

Chris sends a knowing look to Misha, and he returns it. Chris is sure he and Misha can figure out what has happened between Jensen and Jared without either J ever having to say anything. Once they let Chad in on the coup, they’re sure everything will come together. Chad knows Jared better than he knows himself. In fact, he knows Jared just as well as Chris knows Jensen. 

Misha is the moderator. The go-between, much like Felicia. 

“We have two options,” Felicia joins them, ignoring the aroma of coffee for the moment, “We can either stay here and get the ship back out in the water, or….”

“What do you mean you left it?!” Chad’s sudden outburst gets everyone’s attention. 

“What are you talking about Chad? Who left what?” Misha is genuinely concerned. Chad rarely gets upset over anything.

“Dip shit, here,” He points angrily to Jared, “Left most of his cargo on the loading dock.”

Jared won’t meet anyone’s eyes. “And that’s a problem, why?” Misha keeps a level head.

“The navigation, radio, and comms equipment was in it.” Chad seethes, giving Jared a hard stare. “How hard would it have been to bring it aboard? How much space would it really take up Jared?” 

“I wasn’t thinking. We were in a hurry, being rushed. It’s not my fault. She said they had their own equipment.” Jared points to Felicia, defending himself. 

“Their equipment is busted and now we need ours. That’s why we brought it in the first damn place. Back-up plan, your insistence. Remember?” 

Chris puts his coffee down and moves forward, “Chad, buddy, calm down. Fighting isn’t going to solve anything.”

Jensen turns back to Felicia, there’s no time to deal with _that_ right now. “What’s the other option?”

She answers instantly, not allowing herself to get caught in the drama. “We pack up and head out. Head East of the river, and keep walking until we get a signal.” 

Jensen is taken aback. “Why would that even be an option? Shouldn’t we stay on the water till we reach the landing?”

“I can’t determine how far off course we are. We may have passed it already.” 

“This is just great!”

“Good times,” Jared shares his sarcasm.

“Don’t start with me,” Jensen locks eyes with him, “This is all your fault!”

“Excuse me?” Jared’s confidence returns. He'd warned Jensen about the impending clusterfuck, “You’ve always thought your way was best and everyone else’s input was shit. Newsflash for you, top prick, your way isn’t always best. If you would have had the damn balls to coordinate this with me yourself, none of this would have ever happened.”

“Oh! here we go again,” Jensen snarks back, he starts across the bridge toward Jared, spouting venom the whole way. 

“You just had to be late yesterday, and we called you out on it, you were pouting like a bitch too much to bring all your damn gear aboard. You had to have a break down when you should have been helping us tie this shit down.” Jensen’s finally toe to toe with his target.

“All. Your. Fault.” He accentuates each word with a firm poke to Jared’s chest.

Jared maintains his composer and doesn’t return Jensen’s touches. “That’s bullshit and you know it. Someone from your camp told us to be there at 10 and I didn’t haul everything aboard because we were pressed for time and space; being rushed by your trusty sidekick there didn’t help matters any.” Jared’s anger is threatening to boil over on him. He keeps his hands firmly fisted at his sides, and doesn’t mention anything about the nightmares or anxiety. "I told you this would end in clusterfucking and not to blame me when it did. Go ahead, poke at me all you want, but this shit ain't on me. It's on you!" Jared's hands push Jensen a step back without his permission.

"It was your butt buddy that jumbled the time, not us. We were all here on time." Jensen seethes. 

"Hey Misha's not...." Chad rushes to say.

Misha jumps in, keeping a reassuring hand on Chad. “The point is, what do we do now?” 

Like clockwork everyone in the small group looks to Jensen for the next step. Jared’s head spins with it. Jensen is clearly not leader material, and even Jared’s own people are looking to him for guidance. 

“I don’t know what option 1 was, but I’m heading out. Anything is better than staying here with him.” He doesn’t even look at Jensen or anyone else. He turns heads downstairs to gather what he can of his own equipment. 

Misha and Chad turn to follow him.

“Let him go. He’s sulking.” Jensen taunts at Jared, bringing Misha and Chad’s attention back to him. “I say we hold a vote on whether to stay on the water or head out on land.”

“What about Jared’s vote? Shouldn’t we have input from everyone?” Chris chimes in as the voice of reason. 

“Fuck him. Leave him pissed,” Jensen starts tearing off bits of paper and looking for something each of them can write with. He notices Chris’ uneasy look as he hands the paper and maker to him. “Look, there’s six of us all together. What if there’s a draw?”

Chris still looks uneasy, but he takes the offered paper and scribbles his answer regardless.

The votes were tallied and the decision unanimous. They were going ashore. Jensen was the only one who wanted to remain on the water. Something about what Felicia had said about the dangers on land didn’t settle well with him. He pushed those feelings down. This was his idea, and he had to support their decision. 

“Let’s pack up and head out.” 

“Oh no you don’t mister. Not until I get my coffee.” Felicia quips, the coffee not forgotten. Misha glares at her as she pours a generous amount into her over-sized cup.

Jensen sits his empty cup aside and heads below deck to pack up what he can comfortably carry. He notices some of the equipment from yesterday is missing. Everything was jumbled around pretty good last night, but he's sure the missing equipment is an indication that Jared's struck out on his own. 

He munches on some homemade bread he’d found abandoned on the counter while he packs. When he finishes packing up, he pats the permit that's carefully tucked in his pocket, and grins. _Wherever Jared's off to, he won't get too far without this._

It’s not until they are all packed up and ready to go that they realize Jared’s really not among them. 

_Your way isn’t always best_ , Jared’s words come back to Jensen's head.

_We’ll just have to see,_ Jensen thinks to himself. "We can’t just stay here and wait for him to return. He’s obviously on land if he’s not on the boat. Guys, c'mon, onward and forward,” He tells the rest of the crew as they disembark from the boat asking about Jared.

Jared had walked precisely 10 minutes away from the boat. He figured that was a good enough head start. He was pretty sure everyone would follow his lead about getting off that boat, even though they had looked to Jensen for approval. And even if they did drift off without him, he wasn’t worried. He needed the time to think.

He pulled his maps and various documents from his bag. He retrieved is compass from his pocket and double checked the coordinates on his smart watch. Just as he had expected from his walking around, they were on the right track, and not too far off from the landing point. He needed to get them to head further south if they were going to be on target for finding their shelter. If their movements weren’t precise, they could miss it all together. 

He double checked the map and his figures again. Thirty miles. Thirty miles South is what they would need to travel on foot he’s sure of it. He could doublecheck it with his laptop, but there’s no power source now. He needs to keep it fully charged as long as he can. He’s got no idea how long they’ll be out here. 

He steadies himself as he packs everything away again. He’s going to start heading back towards the boat just to see if he can at least get Chad and Misha to follow, when he hears voices. 

“I don’t know, Chad,” Misha is saying.

“I know, it’s just not like him to walk off,” Chad replies. 

“This whole thing or whatever it was with Jensen, has gotten out of hand. This is our lives here.” Misha reasons, and Jared can't blame him for being a bit panicked. Misha's never been in the field before, and he doesn't know that Jared still has most of _his_ navigation equipment.

“You’re telling me. I don’t mind Jensen holdin’ his grudges, but there’s no point in putting anyone in danger over it.” Jared recognizes the voice as Chris’. “Everyone needs to work together.” _Great now even the butt buddy is spooked_ , Jared's just about to announce his presence when another voice chimes in.

“Y’all gossip more than old hens. Jensen is completely over the Jared thing. He’s just aggravated is all.” Definitely female, definitely Felicia. _Jared thing!_ The words replay in Jared’s head. _I am not a thing!_ What happened between us wasn’t a _thing_. A ‘thing’ is so frivolous, Jared’s offended. What he and Jensen had was special, they were close, so close Jared had actually started to think something more was blooming between them. It would have too, but there was that stupid project and that huge fight that ended everything, and Jared knows he's not been right since. _No, it was more than a thing_.

Jared clears his throat to announce his location.

“About time you decided to grace us with your presence Mi Liege,” Felicia takes a sarcastic bow.

“I was thinking. We should really start heading Southward,” He looks out at the distance to their side along the river. He's got to keep his irritation at bay, he needs her on his side, “Thirty miles, that way.”

Chad and Misha are ready to go.

“What makes you so sure?” Chris has to validate the information if he’s going to share it with Jensen, which he has to so yea. He’s gotta ask.

“I’ve looked over the map and according to my coordinates, we’ve missed our landing point by 30 miles.” Jared meets Felicia’s hard gaze even though it was Chris who asked.

“Your coordinates? Where did you get them? Can you be sure of their accuracy?” She asks with raised eyebrows.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jared answers holding up his wrist to reveal his watch. It’s not lost on Felicia. She clamps her mouth shut, and tries to will her brain into coming up with a way to tell Jensen. 

“Will you and your guard dog be joining us? Or should we go ahead and move on?” He meets her gaze head on, waiting for an answer. He really doesn't care either way. Jensen's bound to catch up sometime.

Chris moves to stand with Jared, Chad, and Misha in a silent show of support. 

“I resent that comment,” Jensen’s voice booms from somewhere behind her. “You run along. Find whatever you feel you must,” He pulls the envelope out his front pocket as he approaches, “You’ll not lay claim to the fame and glory that comes with it without _me_ and this piece of paper.”

The permit. Jared had all but forgot about it. The legal technical stuff that usually really matters to him, but in this case doesn't (like at all). He smirks, the only reason he went after the permit this time around is standing in front of him looking so adorably pissed off. What? With his bowed legs in cargo shorts, his green glaring eyes, and his pouty lips. Jared's not to be blamed for what happens next. It's all part of the addiction.

“Shove it up your ass and ride it, Ackles,” Comes Jared’s snarky reply. He locks eyes with Jensen just to see the look on his face. Jensen is speechless, his eyes widen, and his lips part. Jared's pretty sure he only looks lust-blown himself, so he turns away sharply, heading South.

Felicia knows when she’s been bested. _Off the shelf tech wins again_ , she sighs as she joins Misha and Chad following along behind Jared. Chris turns one glance back toward Jensen with raised eyebrows, “You coming?”

Jensen contemplates his options. _What options?_ Jared was won favor among his own crew, he’s out numbered, and he can’t put the boat on the water himself. It would take too long. Sure, he’d love to. Just ride the water 30 miles south, but by the time he preps the ship himself and then gets on the water, he’s not sure he can make that distance by nightfall. He certainly doesn’t want to be onboard alone at nightfall. He can’t trek off through the unknown jungle by himself. So, really, in the end what choice is there? Jared’s already made it for them all. _Jerk_

Jensen nods slightly as he walks to catch up with Chris.

“You okay?”

“Fine,” Jensen’s voice is hard as tampered steel. _Obviously not fine_.

They follow along, maintaining a good distance from Jared and the rest of the crowd for most of the morning. Everyone's pack is getting heavy, and they’re growing tired.

“I say we break here. I could use some protein.” Felicia announces loud enough the stragglers can hear her in the back.

Jensen can’t resist, “ _I say_ , you better ask your fearless leader up there. Make sure it’s okay with him before you run off making choices by yourself.”

“Man are you sure you’re okay?” Chris has to ask again. It’s not like Jensen to be this hateful _all the time_.

“I said everything’s fine!” He snaps back, “Are we goin’ to eat now or what?” He looks to Jared as he asks.

Jared pulls a bitch face, and waves an arm out in front of him in show of invitation.

The group fills up on protein bars and bottled water in the twenty minutes Jared allows them to break.

_When did he become the leader of this band of misfits?_ Jensen muses during angry bites of his protein bar. It’s his charisma and his charm, Jensen knows. He’d fallen victim to it once himself. He tries to shake the thoughts away, but they are undeterred. There was a time when Jensen would have followed him to the ends of the Earth, and not even think twice. Sadly, those times have passed. Now he must live in the present.

He needs to regain control of the situation again. He was to be leader of this expedition, and yet everyone is following Jared around like lost pups. Jensen would deny jealousy. How can he be jealous of someone like that? Jensen was never a fame whore, he made his discoveries not for fame but for accomplishment and pride. It’s thrilling to be the first to uncover something that had been buried deep in the Earth for so long. It was a high he never grew tired of. 

Jared wasn’t attracted to the same high. Jared got his fix from the accreditation that came with unearthing such treasures and explaining what they mean, what they were used for, and their unique place in history. And he soaked it up too. One find after another. Even when Jared wasn’t directly involved in the find, they would still have to call and get his educated theory about it. It made Jensen sick. He dug up all the relics, artifacts, and treasures and Jared got all the press.

He was full on glaring at Jared before he realized it. Jared was meeting his gaze head on with just as much…Jensen assumes it’s anger. He doesn’t care, not really.

He gulps down the rest of his water before packing his trash away. He ducks behind a thick tree to take a leak. Nearby footsteps don’t bother him until he turns slightly to see their owner. His world stands still. It’s Jared, and Jensen's stuck standing here with his dick in hand. (literally) 

“What do you want?” Jensen snaps as he shakes himself off and zips up.

Jared can’t resist. “You shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it. You like looking at me when you do that?” 

Jensen punches him square in the face, sending Jared reeling backward. Jensen doesn’t pause to figure out what he must have looked like violently shaking his dick off after taking a piss. It’s Jared’s fault he’s so damned volatile all the time now, and then Jared has the balls to call him on it? Yea, Jared deserved to be hit _hard_.

He tries to walk by Jared on his way back to the group, but Jared grabs him by the ankle, “Dude what is your problem?”

Jensen tries to pull his leg free. He glares down at Jared to give his reply. Their eyes meet, “You!” Jensen says it like it’s a filthy curse and it takes Jared off guard just enough for Jensen to get his leg free.

Jared lays there on the ground for a good while trying to figure out just what the hell happened. After last night, he was hoping they could put the past behind them, or start to for any matter. Jared had successfully put Jensen in his place. Their long-time argument was now stalemated, so why not put it behind them? _No sense in beating a dead horse_.

Jensen’s hands were still wrapped from where Jared had ‘doctored’ them. Jared wanted to check them, clean them properly, apply a medicinal plant, and then re-wrap them. Jensen didn’t give him that opportunity.

So, whatever has gotten into Jensen is all Jared’s fault. _No surprise really_. Jared already took the blame for the fight, the failing grade, and repeating the course. Jensen, the asshole that he is, probably didn’t even realize that Jared had paid out of his own pocket for Jensen to retake that course. He had paid both re-entrance fees, and never got so much as a thank you. Jensen probably felt like it was owed to him. Then again, Jared never really gave him the opportunity.

Jared took the blame for it all, and walked away. _Why should this be any different?_ That was four years ago. Haven’t they grown since then? They are no longer students, but esteemed scholars now. Aren’t they? Each in his own right, respected in their fields. Can’t they just put all the Cambridge drama back in the past? That’s where it goes. Jensen’s taken his swing now. Maybe he’ll feel better for it.

Punching Jared, the way he deserved didn’t make Jensen feel as good as he had hoped. Jared looked vulnerable and open when he met Jensen’s eyes and asked him what was wrong. He looked as if he really didn’t know how he had crushed Jensen and wrenched his hopes and dreams away from him at the same time. Jensen’s hand was throbbing worse now, but not in a way that pleasantly reminded him of Jared. 

_Bullshit_. Jensen refused to feel guilty for laying him out. Even if Jared was clueless in the present, it didn’t lessen the ache in Jensen’s heart over the past. It didn’t erase the three years he’s spent so absorbed in his career he had neglected his own needs. Hitting Jared was the best thing he could do, and he was determined to feel better because of it.

Jared came silently from the trees, not speaking to anyone on his way back. A bruise was in full bloom across his cheek, but he didn't bother trying to hide it. He surveyed the crowd, meeting everyone's eyes. _Yea, they know what happened._

“We ready, Chief?” Misha asked. 

Everyone was packed up and ready. Observing the crowd before him, Jared couldn’t think of a single reason to tarry their departure. All eyes were on him, waiting for the word. _His word_ , and he surely couldn't give the word that he wasn't done playing 'doctor' with Jensen. With a slight nod, they were off again. 

Jensen purposefully hung behind the crowd. Chris didn’t walk with him this time. He walked ahead with Misha and Chad. They were all talking in hushed whispers. 

Felicia was heading up the front of the pack with Jared. Mindful of his bandaged hands, Jensen readjusted his pack and kept going. It shouldn’t be much farther now. 

He was walking along, not really paying attention when the sound of Jared’s laughter echoed through the jungle. Jensen immediately looked up to the origin of that _glorious_ sound. Jared was still walking with Felicia, and he had his head thrown back in a full-bodied laugh. It was a breathtaking sight. The setting sun from the West was hitting his auburn locks just right through the trees, and his face was beaming in amusement, every dimple coming out to play. Jensen smiled softly to himself at the sight. It had been so long since he’d seen that side of Jared. Young and carefree. _He used to look at me like that_.

Too soon the laughter had faded, and they were back to talking between themselves in whispered voices. Jensen adverted his gaze back to the ground, and tried to ignore the ever-growing ache he felt in his chest. He sighed, resigned to his fate. _We’ll just get this expedition over with. Then everything will go back to normal._

************************************************************************************************************************

Jared checks his compass and his watch for the third time in ten minutes. It doesn’t escape Felicia’s notice.

“Is something wrong?” 

Jared bites his bottom lip uneasily, “We should be coming up on the landing point, but I don’t see a boat dock, a pier, or a structure anywhere.”

“Have we traveled 30 miles already?” She asks, it certainly doesn’t feel like they have.

“According to the coordinates, yes we have.” He eyes his watch again, more carefully this time, like maybe he’s missed something.

It’s only a matter of time before Chris and Misha notice that somethings off.

“What’s wrong up there?” Misha shouts.

“Yea, why are we slowing down?” Chris chimes in.

“Sh, can’t you see these two obviously have something to think about?” Chad nudges Misha, trying to get him to be quiet.

“What’s the problem?” Jensen’s caught up to them without ever trying to.

“Dunno,” Chris tells him, “We were walking along and then all of a sudden they’ve stopped.” 

“Hmm, maybe we were unwise to follow Jared. Surprise!” Jensen raises his voice a little louder to make sure he’s heard, “I could have told y’all that following along behind him was a bad idea.”

Jared nails him with a hard glare. Jensen keeps going.

“In fact, I tried to tell you, and you still chose him." He looks sideways to Chris, and then back to Jared, "I ask again what’s the problem? Why the slow down? Times a wastin’.” Jensen stands tall, determined to get an answer.

“Jared thinks we should be coming up on our landing point, but I don’t think we’ve gone far enough.” Felicia answers so Jared doesn’t have to. _So not the drama_.

“The coordinates show that we are close, but it’s not here.” Jared states the obvious.

“Okay, Sherlock. Just keep moving,” Jensen’s quickly losing his patience along with the daylight. “We will have to make camp soon.” 

“I know!” Jared shouts back. He’s _not_ an idiot.

He turns back around, and they start walking again. Felicia nudges Jared on the shoulder, “Dude, what’s your problem?”

“Nothing, Fel, everything’s fine.” He answers easily and decidedly calm as they continue on.


	6. Camping Out is Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fighting, *surprise*. 
> 
> Jared cleans, medicates, and rewraps Jensen's hands. They talk....They fight....They end up sharing a tent...Jared ups his game.

After walking around for another two hours our team of explorers finally hunker down and make camp. 

Misha, the pyro he is, builds them a fire, and Chris helps him unpack the food and utensils. Chad watches in delight. Protein bars aren’t really his thing. He needs some actual food--like yesterday.

Jared and Felicia are stooped down leaning against a nearby tree. They appear to be looking over the map again. Felicia has control of a compass and Jared is fiddling with his watch. They never found the landing point, so they are forced to make do with the shelter and supplies they’ve carried with them. The landing point was supposed to provide them with nourishment and a place to rest. If they don’t find it, it’s likely they'll have a hard time making it out of here. 

Logically Jensen knows they all need to work together to get out of this in one piece and not half starved, but he can’t bring himself to even try to work with Jared again. It ended in disaster the last time. He lost his very good friend, his one chance at true love, everything that made him happy, and about four grand to boot. Nope. Working with Jared was out of the question, but he couldn’t openly work against him either, unless he wanted to be the one to draw straws.

He cautiously made his way over to where Jared and Felicia were sitting. Jared looks up to him with an unreadable expression and Felicia looks to Jensen and then back to Jared, obviously concerned. 

“Anything I can do to help?” Jensen makes the offer with the very best tone he can manage.

Jared holds an internal debate before he replies, “Yea, actually, could you look at this for a minute?”

Jensen’s brows come together in confusion as he takes a seat next to Jared looking at the map and then to Jared’s watch. It’s off his wrist and laying with the map.

“You were all about the latest tech and how it helps remember? Can you tell me where I went wrong?” Jared’s asking for help, and Jensen can’t refuse--especially since he can rub in Jared’s face later.

Jensen picks up the watch and looks at the map. He can see now the watch has been transmitting coordinates to Jared this whole time. Jared’s been following the compass of course. Jensen plots the coordinates on the map, and then pulls up the last known coordinates one final time to be sure.

“You didn’t,” Jensen can’t believe it. They are right on top of the plot for their landing position, but no such supplies have been found. Jared didn’t screw anything up, but Jensen can’t find the voice to tell him. It got stuck in his throat somewhere.

“Didn’t what Jensen? Please enlighten us." Jared huffs a small laugh, "Me and Felicia having been trying and trying to figure it out, but there’s just nothing here.” His eyes are wide and pleading, “What did I do wrong?” 

The answer Jensen’s brain gives leaves his mouth before he can check it. It has no bearing whatsoever on their current situation, and just may serve to make matters worse—if that’s even possible.

“Everything!" Jensen shouts in his face, "You challenged my intelligence when I tried to tell you there was a better way. You called me ignorant and awkward when I told you I couldn’t operate that way. I never had any friends in school Jared. You were my only friend and you turned your back on me over some stupid project!”

Jared’s face morphs, his eyes no longer wide, but narrowed and tilted. “The project,” he repeats in a pointed tone. “That’s what your problem is...right now, that stupid project?” He honestly can't believe what he's hearing. _Right now? He wants to bring this up right now?_

“No. Not some stupid project," Jensen's voice is incredulous. Jared always missed the point. "It's the way you turned on me when I didn’t agree with every little thing you had to say.” Jensen tries to maintain his deep tone, “And then you shut me out completely,” but his voice comes out broken.

“Hey! You turned on me first.” Jared counters, refusing to feel bad. He doesn't care how broken Jensen sounds. He broke Jared first. _Self preservation_.

“You were the one that slammed that door and kept it deadbolted,” Jensen regains the edge to his voice.

“Well go on with it then, berate me. Call me names, and tear me down in front of God and everybody. Whatever it takes to get you off. Just tell me how I jumbled the coordinates so we can find the damn landing point at first light.” Jared abandons the past all together for more pressing matters.

“The coordinates are right." Jensen deflates. Even now, Jared won't talk to him. "We are where we are supposed to be. It’s got to be here somewhere.” He draws a breath and stands, “Me and my team will head out at first light to find it.”

“I think we should all go together,” Felicia interjects. She couldn’t, in good conscience, leave the other three out here to themselves. Besides without Jared's watch, they won't get too far.

“We won’t be going that far. I’m sure the dog and his pups will be fine.” Jensen throws over his shoulder while returning to the fire. _Soup’s on_.

Jared holds his tongue, not for the first time that day. Felicia, too, scurries off to huddle around the fire with the others. Jared tentatively joins them. All the spaces in the circle have been taken except for the one between Jensen and Chad. He knows they probably planned it that way, but he's not going to let him know just yet that he's on to them. He sits silently next to Chad and Jensen, maintaining a respectful distance. 

As they eat, Jared notices that Jensen is still wearing the wrappings from yesterday. He had thought for sure Chris would work on them, but he was apparently the designated chef for this evening. Jared's not sure if Jensen is still in pain with them or if maybe they are still numb, but he knows what needs to be done. He uses a small amount of water from his canteen to rinse his bowl and spoon, and then he puts them away.

He uses his small flash light to look about the nearby growth. He’s looking for some kind of aloe plant. Typically, they only grow in the deserts, but the jungle must provide its own natural burn relief in one form or another.

He finds exactly what he’s looking for and didn’t really need the flashlight after all. Switching it off he kneels down to pluck a bloom from the plant. He pinches at the stem just enough to cause of the salve to ooze out. He presses his tongue to it gently to check its flavor. _This will do nicely_. He discards that bloom to pick a larger one that hasn’t had his tongue pressed to it. He’s sure Jensen would appreciate the gesture of not having Jared’s saliva come into direct contact with his skin.

He watches the group around the fire dissipate as he makes his way back over to them. Jensen is still there finishing off his final bites of soup. Jared sits down next to him, a little closer than before. He waits for Jensen to finish completely before he clears his throat, unsure of how to proceed.

“What now?” Jensen snaps without looking to Jared. He doesn’t notice that Jared has something in his hands.

Jared takes the opportunity to grab Jensen’s left hand. He takes a brief second to idle how well this plan was thought through, maybe he should have started with the right. He doesn’t ponder too long, just goes to work unwrapping the bandage.

“Do we _really_ have to do this again?” Jensen sounds petulant, but he doesn’t resist. He can’t resist because he’s too busy watching Jared work. Jared’s always been meticulous at anything he does. He’s got a sharp eye for detail, undressing and redressing a wound isn’t any different.

“Yes,” Jared replies without looking at Jensen’s face, “You don’t want an infection on your hands. Literally. You work with your hands. It’s important you take care of them.”

Jensen tries his best not to wince as Jared removes the wrapping. It stings like a mother and the gauze is sticking to the open wound. 

Jared has the first bandage off. Without warning he pours some water from his canteen directly on the wound. Jensen’s hand gives an instinctive jerk, but Jared holds it steady. He tears off a piece of his shirt to pat the wound dry. Jensen decides maybe this isn’t so bad after all. Chris certainly never gave him this kind of careful treatment.

Jared breaks part of, something, off and is pouring the salve across the freshly cleaned wound. It feels so cool and good and numb. Jensen’s lips part in relief and he bites back a moan. _Definitely can’t let Jared hear that._

“What is that stuff?” Jensen forces his brain to think before he gets too lost in the sensation.

“I believe it to be Portilla,” Jared explains, proud he’s finally able to do something right. “Think of it like a distant cousin to Aloe Vera. It will soothe the burns and heal them quicker.”

“Oh,” Is all Jensen’s muddled brain can respond with. Jared’s re-wrapping the wound with fresh gauze. The sensation is rhythmic and goes well with the cool tingling he still feels.

Jared wordlessly reaches across Jensen’s lap to pull his other hand close and a new sensation tickles Jensen’s senses. _Coconuts_

Jared still uses the same shampoo, still holds the same warmth, and apparently the same effect on Jensen’s body. He finds himself growing hard from all the sensations Jared’s giving him without ever realizing. 

Jensen’s awareness is shaken brutally from the past and his crotch as soon as Jared starts unwrapping his right hand. The burning, stinging feeling is back. Jensen doesn’t even try holding back his wince this time. He was feeling too much good all at once, and the bad feeling caught him off guard. _Jared’s fault_.

Jared notices Jensen’s obvious whine this time, but doesn’t call him on it. He keeps it to himself, smirking while he works. When he’s finished, he packs the discarded gauze away with the rest of his small trash collection, and stares at the fire. 

He and Jensen are nearly shoulder to shoulder now. This is the closest they’ve been willingly since that horrible fight, and Jared’s not about to say a damn word about it. Apparently neither is Jensen. They sit for a few minutes in comfortable silence.  
Jensen takes a hearty drink from his own canteen and glances over to catch Jared watching him. He wordlessly offers his own fresh water to Jared, knowing that Jared used the last of his portion to clean his wounds. Jared hesitates before grabbing the canteen, his hand hovering near it. “I can just refill mine when we find the point, or maybe I have another bottle stashed somewhere.” Jared pulls his hand back and looks away.

Jensen pushes the canteen flush to Jared’s chest, and makes sure Jared has a hold of it before he releases it. “It’s a show of thanks,” he says focusing on the fire in front of him. The sound of the canteen being opened is the only indication Jared took a drink. The canteen isn’t any lighter when Jared passes it back.

“We shouldn’t leave it burning much longer.”

Jensen takes the pale of water gathered from the river, and douses the fire. “Anything else?” 

“Yea, about earlier,” Jared wants to put all this crap behind them, and get on with the expedition.

“Look Jared. There’s no need to say anything, so just don’t.” Jensen effectively throws Jared's words from so many years ago back at him. He would tell him to just walk away, but he can't. They're in the middle of nowhere.

Jared’s carefully rehearsed speech dies in his throat, but he doesn’t move from his spot next to Jensen. Jensen still hasn’t moved either. They sit there in silence watching darkness. 

“You ever wonder what they’re on about?” Jensen speaks so suddenly, it makes Jared jerk a little bit.

“The crew,” Jared observes looking over to the space of darkness where all them are huddled together talking in silenced tones. “I don’t know, but whatever it is, they don’t want either of us to know about it.” It’s only a half lie. Jared knows what they’re probably discussing: him and Jensen. He also knows none of the them want him or Jensen hearing it.

“Hmm” is all Jensen can say in response. He’s not sure what they keep getting together and talking about, but he’s sure he doesn’t like it. 

“Share with the class,” He says across the distance, tone deep. 

Without thinking Jared clamps a hand over Jensen’s mouth, “Sh, you’ll attract unwanted, native animals. They haven’t all beeen cataloged.”

Jensen pushes Jared’s hand away from his mouth easily, “Looks like I’ve already attracted the lion’s share, and I never said a word.” He gives Jared a pointed look.

Jared’s not even phased this time, he doesn’t need any light to see the look on Jensen’s face. He knows it by heart. He topples Jensen backwards, pinning him down with his body weight, “Fuck you Jensen, you hear me? Fuck. You.” He’s placed his hand firmly back over Jensen’s mouth, not letting him speak. Jensen is struggling against him, but Jared’s weight is just too much. 

Jared leans down closer to whisper in his ear. He makes sure his breath is hot against it when he speaks again. “You can choose to live in the past and stay angry with me, or you can join me in the present and we can make it out of here alive, maybe even find Matakah.” 

Jensen bucks upward and Jared can feel the bulge pressing up through Jensen's shorts. Jared grinds down hard to ensure his own is felt. "Two can play that game.”

Jensen's whole body jerks when he feels Jared pressing himself against his inner thigh. He bucks his hips upward more frantically, and tries to push himself backwards with his heels. But it's no use, it only provided him with more friction he didn't want but desperately needed. His moan is muffled under Jared's hand when he gives up all effort of trying to get away. 

Jared rolls his hips against Jensen just right, and bites back a moan himself before he speaks again, "You done?"

Jared’s mouth is so close to Jensen’s ear, he can feel hot breath running down his neck. It excites him and terrifies him all at the same time. He nods his head, unsure of what he’s agreeing to.

Jared feels Jensen nodding against his palm, and releases him. He keeps himself guarded against an attack in the dark while he stands. He doesn’t bother sticking around to find out if Jensen decided anything or if he wants to fight. _Will he live in the past, or come to the present?_

He’s sure Jensen had a good feel of his own hardness against his inner thigh. Jared wanted him to have a good feel of it too, he’s sure Jensen won’t call him out on it because he got to feel Jensen’s first. _Childish_ , yes, but Jared will take the win. He turns in for the night, zipping his tent completely.

As soon as Jared leaves, Jensen sits back up trying to figure out just exactly what the hell happened.

One minute he had made a snarky comment, and then next Jared was on top of him holding him down, breathing in his space, talking in his ear. Jensen couldn’t fight back at all between his injured hands and Jared’s toned muscles. He was forced to lay there and listen. He realized in horror he was growing harder for Jared, he tried feverously to get free. The only thing he could do was buck up to knock him away, but that didn’t work.

It didn’t work because Jared had gotten just as aroused, and he let Jensen know it in kind. _Two can play that game_. It wasn’t a game. Jensen wasn’t trying to distract him or whatever, he really wanted free, wanted to run.

Jensen realizes too late what everyone else was probably discussing in his and Jared’s absence; the something they hadn’t wanted them to know. Sitting there alone in the dark and lost in thought, he comes to the stark realization that everyone has found their bed buddy and bedded down. Everyone that is, except him…well and Jared. Jared hadn’t picked a bed buddy, but he had already bedded down for the night.

The air has turned cold, too cold for sleeping outside on the ground. He can’t light a fire because that will draw the animals. He can’t bunk with Chad and Misha or Chris and Felica. Their tents are all full, and the bastards planned it that way.  
He wished he has brought his flask along with him, but it wouldn’t do to drink on the job. That’s why he had the bender the day/night before their departure. That’s why he was too hungover that day to ensure everything was just so before setting off.  
He groans lowly under his breath. He’d left his flask in his top right desk draw back at the office. He could see it now laying right on top of Jared’s face, that Nat Geo magazine he couldn’t bring himself to throw away even though it infuriated him every time he looked at it.

He resigned himself to his fate, and slowly stood up. There had to be worse fates than sharing a tent with Jared after all. 

He crept in as quietly as he could and rezipped the tent, snug and warm. Jared was laying in the middle of the tent on his side. Of course, he wouldn’t expect to have to share with anyone. _Arrogant bastard!_ Jensen carefully laid down on his back next to Jared’s back and held his breath. 

Jared seemed sound asleep, his breathing deep and even. Only then could Jensen have a sigh of relief, letting out the breath he was holding. 

Too late. Jared must have sensed the added body heat because his body was wiggling backwards trying to get impossibly closer to Jensen. Jensen froze, his brain going into panic mode. He was already up against the side of the tent, nowhere else for him to move out of the way.

Fear prickled the back of his neck. He suddenly wanted to hold Jared close, pull him even closer, inhale the scent of him, wrap his arms and maybe a leg around him. Then he wanted to yell out, push him away, call him out for being a tent hog. What scared Jensen about all this is he wanted both in equal measure, and he wasn’t sure what he was going to. 

Jared’s back was right against him on one side and the tent was at his other side. One thing for sure, he couldn’t sleep like this. Consequences be damned, he sat up, and decided to carefully (oh so carefully) move to the other side of the tent. That would be best.

He almost makes it across Jared when the inevitable happens.

“Jen, don’t go,” Jared mumbles out in his mock sleep, grabbing Jensen and pulling him back down. This time it’s Jensen’s back against Jared’s front, and Jared wastes no time enveloping him with long arms and even longer legs.

“Got to, you’re hoggin’ up the whole tent,” Jensen keeps his voice calm and quiet. The pet name goes all over him, but he can’t act out on that now. He’d be sure to wake Jared then. He tries to untangle himself to put some distance between them, but Jared’s unrelenting. 

Being this close to Jared isn’t good for Jensen’s outsides…or his insides for that matter. He feels warm and tingly all over, and his brain turns to mush just in time to realize his erection never completely went away. It’s not the second time it has ever happened or even the third, but it is probably the most awkward position it’s happened in. 

Jensen can’t think about that right now because Jared is like a blind octopus looking its for keys. 

“Jen, stop please,” Jared pleads. 

Jensen’s not sure what Jared’s wanting him to 'stop', but he stops moving all together and relaxes into the hold. He’s so going to regret this in the morning, but like everything else: _It’s all Jared’s fault._


	7. Bed Buddies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just how far will Jensen let 'sleepy Jared' go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter came up outta nowhere, and wasn't a part of the original line up. Hope you enjoy ;)
> 
> Mildly dubious situation ahead.

Jared can't believe Jensen gave up the good fight that easy. _He was always a cuddler,_ Jared's brain reasons with him. He tightens his hold again just to see if Jensen will resume trying to squirm away. He doesn't and Jared inhales the scent of him at his neck, right below his jaw line. 

He relaxes himself, and pretends for a moment that he can actually have this. That Jensen would give it to him freely for once, instead of Jared having to steal it away like a thief in the night; literally in this case. He can feel Jensen's heart racing, and that momentarily breaks into his thoughts. 

He moves a hand from somewhere on Jensen's chest to his hip, and rubs gently. He's aiming for comfort, but he knows it will probably take more than that to calm Jensen. He knows Jensen has another pretty good feel of him through the sleeping pack. There's no point in trying to pretend it's a flash light. He's not going to act on it though, _too bold_ , and he's sure that the advance wouldn't be appreciated. So, he does what he can from rubbing soothing circles into Jensen's hip to running his hand along Jensen's side. 

The rubbing, the caressing, and the hot breath on his upper back has him falling asleep sooner than Jensen ever anticipated. Jared nuzzles the side of his neck, just to be sure Jensen's actually asleep before he intertwines their fingers and rolls over. 

Just like their days in college, Jared is still able to manipulate a sleeping Jensen's motions with ease. Jensen's sleeping form doesn't question for an instant where he's going or why the position is changing. He rolls with Jared, and Jared melts back into him, wrapping Jensen's arm around him. 

He gives Jensen's hand a quick peck before unlacing their fingers, _Night, Jen_. Then Jared drifts off to sleep himself, fully erect and dreaming of Jensen.

**************************************************************************************************************************

Someone or something is definitely out to get Jensen or drive him away from sanity all together. When they wake up the next morning it is Jensen who is holding onto Jared for dear life with his head buried in Jared’s hair at the back of his neck. _Again_.

Jensen groans because he knows for a fact that is not how he fell asleep. 

Jared stirs, and pushes back into the embrace against Jensen. “Five more minutes,” 

“Jare, we’re burning daylight,” Jensen warns; throwing the pet name out there to see how Jared reacts.

“Please, Jen” Jared pushes back harder, trying to silently persuade Jensen to give him more time. _Such a good dream_.

Jensen has to break this awkward position. He's sporting a bad case of morning wood, and Jared is hell bent on pushing back against it. He keeps his tone calm to ease Jared in the land of wakefulness. “Jare, please. We have to get up. Sun’s too bright.”

“…hmmm…” Jared moans as he pushes back this time and Jensen loses it.

“Jare!”

Jared goes stock still as the realization of what he’s doing sinks in. There’s only ever been one person to call him by that name, only one owner to that voice. Jared swears he would know the feel of Jensen’s hard outline anywhere. And he just woke up rubbing his ass against it. _That can't be going over too well._ He audibly gulps, “Jensen?”

That tone of voice tells Jensen that Jared doesn’t remember a damn thing from last night, and probably won’t believe anything Jensen has to tell him on the matter. He chooses for subtlety. 

“Uhmm, yea. Everywhere else was full, like they conspired against me, so I crawled in here with you.” Jensen wonders for a moment if he could leave it at that. One look at Jared’s sleepy confusion tells him otherwise, “Uh…the tent is really small. There really wasn’t room for both of us in here. I’m sorry.” 

Jared takes it all in for a minute. He's trying to figure out why Jensen isn't freaking out. They practically spooned all night, just like they did back in college. Come to think of it Jensen never really freaked out then. _Maybe it's not so bad then_. 

He grins over to Jensen, “This is the second morning in a row I’ve woke up with you spooning me. Be careful, wouldn’t wanna spoil me.” He gives Jensen’s dazed expression a wink and climbs out of the tent. 

Everyone else is gone, and the sun is bright in the sky. Jared figures they took off in search of their landing point. He'll deal with that later. Right now, he scoops up his pack by the tent, and starts to make breakfast for him and Jensen. 

It’s only after Jared is gone from the tent that Jensen realizes he’s still sporting morning wood. He didn’t have it yesterday morning, but after the night he’d had it’s no wonder. _But now? Really?_

Leave it to Jared to find a new way to make him miserable. If he doesn’t find a way to bring himself to completion he’s sure to be miserable the rest of the day, and he doesn’t need that. His team doesn’t need that. They can barely tolerate him now. He looks around the small tent. There really isn’t anything he can use that would be much help. His hands are wrapped up and using them isn’t an option. He resigns himself to the fate he didn't think would have been so bad last night. _Worse fates than sharing a tent with Jared._ Jensen laughs bitterly as his own words come back to him. He climbs from the tent to go pee.

Jared was relieved when he seen Jensen appear from the tent after some time. Breakfast was about ready and Jared was just about to go get him, but then he seen Jensen take off behind the tent into the trees. He waited patiently where we was, figuring Jensen probably need the privacy. Then Jensen went back into the tent instead of joining Jared at the fire. Breakfast was now ready, and he didn't want to go cold. _Yuck_ , so he went to fetch Jensen from the tent.

Peeing to relieve some of the pressure didn't help Jensen as well as he'd hoped. If anything, it seemed to make his predicament worse. He was too busy trying to find any kind of friction from the sleeping pack to hear the tent being unzipped. 

Jared froze at the sight of Jensen face down, working himself against the sleeping bag. His cargo shorts and boxers pooled around his ankles were Jared’s undoing. He didn’t even try to stop himself. Falling to his knees behind Jensen, he placed a hand on the small of his back under his shirt. Jensen stopped cold.

“I’d love to help you with that,” Jared doesn't miss a beat, and there's a smile in his tone. 

Jensen doesn't need to look to see it's not genuine. “I’m fine thanks,” 

“That’s _my_ sleeping bag your rutting against,” There's snark in his tone this time, but he rubs his hand up and down Jensen’s back as a show of comfort.

Jensen growls and rolls to the side. “Just take it and leave me be,” hoping against hope that Jared will do as he's told and just walk away.

“Jen,” The pet name falls from his lips like a prayer. Jared misses the pure anger on Jensen’s face and in his voice as he observes what the problem is. 

Jensen’s testicles are swollen and obviously heavy, his dick is hard and twitching helplessly, and Jared's got a pretty good idea (based from experience) how desperate Jensen is for release right now. He flicks his eyes up to Jensen, “Let me help,” his voice barely above a whisper.

“I can take care of myself,” Jensen hisses at him, hoping to shake him from his daze cause Jared looks plum mesmerised.

This isn’t about giving Jensen hell anymore. Jared fucked with him hard last night before rolling them and going to sleep. It's hard telling how long he was pushing his ass against Jensen this morning caught up in his lucid dream. He’s the reason Jensen woke up in this mess, and he should be the one to help him with it. Forget asking for permission. It’s not like Jensen can fight back that much. 

He gives a resigned sigh. Of all the fantasies he’d played in his head of their first time together, this isn’t exactly what he’d pictured. He rummages through his bag to grab the lube he knows he brought (it's right next to the cock ring where he left it), he pauses briefly to push a firm hand against his own growing erection. "Yahtzee," he says as he brings it out and slicks his hand. He places the tube on the ground next to Jensen's thigh, and moves to get a better angle.

“Wha....You gonna rape me, Jare?” Jensen can’t believe what he’s seeing. Jared’s pulled lube from out of nowhere, he's palming his dick, and now he’s settling himself between Jensen’s legs with a slick hand. Jensen brings a foot up to Jared's chest as best he can, but he only manages to pull a leg free from his shorts and boxers. He doesn't want to expose himself more than necessary, "I coulda swore I already told you no,"He wants it to come out bold and determined. It doesn't. It's pained, and Jared doesn't miss it.

“Oh No. You don’t get to play the victim here. I’ve taken enough blame from you. It stops now. I’m going to help you...Relax...It will go by faster.” Jared maintains eye contact and keeps his tone even.

Jensen does relax, but only because Jared appears genuine and not predatory. The slick hand tracing around his balls and along his dick have nothing to do with it.

Jared starts stroking him at a lazy pace, his eyes watching Jensen’s facial queues for what he likes and what he doesn’t. He begins to quicken his pace, but not too fast. He wants to savor this because he doesn’t know if such an opportunity will arise again. He can tell Jensen wants him to move faster, harder, but he can't. He's going to draw this out as long as he can.

Jensen’s eyes fly open and land on Jared. (When had he closed them?) His face holds an unreadable expression, so Jensen gives him a whiny moan and tries again to push forward. Jared prevents him from going too far by loosening his grip. Jensen moans out deeper, this time from frustration. Jared's teasing and taunting him. _But why? Wouldn't he want this over with, like right the fuck now?.....Oh......right._ Jensen rubs the the top part of of his foot against Jared’s groin, and feels the full raging hard on. He pushes up slightly, not in a threatening manner, but in an an offering. 

Hazel eyes flare from his foot up to his face, and Jensen meets the gaze head on. “Leave it to you to get off on something this twisted.”

Jared cracks a smile at that because, “This ain’t nearly enough for me,”

Jensen kicks Jared back, his hand too slick to prevent it. Jensen advances on him before he can get his bearings back.

“What will be enough for you, huh?” Jensen asks him breathing in his air and trying his damnest to undo Jared’s belt and shorts. 

Jared’s lost in a whirlwind of emotions. He can’t figure out when this got turned on him and what Jensen hopes to gain by ripping his shorts off. All he knows is it feels good, almost too good, but it’s still not enough to make him see sparks. Jensen _wants_ , but the logical part of Jared knows it's all probably just the heat of the moment. Either way, it's now or never. Jensen's made it clear the only way Jared will be taking an orgasm is if he gives one in return. 

Choice made, Jared grabs Jensen’s wrist with his unslick hand, “You wanna see it?......I know you’ve felt it pressed against you enough,” 

Jensen’s dazed remembering those feelings all too well, but only for a second. He gives Jared a slight nod, and Jared makes quick work of his clothes. Jensen whines because he wants to reach out and touch, stroke, anything. But he can’t. His hands are still wrapped and utterly useless.

Jared sees his dilemma and eases him back on his back, this time climbing on top of him. Jensen lets his legs fall to the side, and finds his mouth watering at the sight before him. He wants to swallow Jared whole, dick first. He glances up to ask for permission, but Jared’s expression is nothing but heat and lust. He recognizes Jensen's look for what it was, but that's not what he's after. He files the information away for now.

Bracing himself above Jensen with his free hand, he takes both erections in his other hand and starts working them at a steady pace. Jensen is writhing against him, and biting the inside of his cheek to prevent any sound from escaping.

Jared grinds down to halt against him, and nuzzles his neck, “Let me hear you......Open those beautiful eyes, and let me watch.”

Jensen’s eyes (why does he keep closing them?) open and land on Jared’s instantly. The unbridled lust he finds there is his every wet dream. His hips cant upward of their own accord, and Jared watches how the mood shifts in Jensen's eyes. They're no longer focused, but dazed. 

“That’s it,” Jared coaxes, “rub yourself off against me.........Yea....fly apart on me.”

Jensen, feeling way too good to feel the humiliation he knows he should, doesn't disappoint. His hands come to rest on Jared's hips, holding him at just the right angle. Pain and wounds forgotten, he pistons his hips up into Jared's fist against Jared's cock hard and fast. With the third thrust, his orgasm rips through him contorting his face. A deep guttural moan escapes. His eyes slam shut and his body convulses with its impact. 

Jared follows right after him with Jensen's name on his lips, but Jensen doesn’t seem to notice. He's whimpering with his body's every twitch and jerk. With a whispered promise of, "Sokay....I've got ya...." Jared continues working them through the rough aftershocks. He holds back the urge to kiss Jensen. This wasn't about showing affection or love making. This was purely physical. Jensen needed release, and Jared happily provided. This isn't the time for the emotional implications he knows Jensen's not ready for. His heart sinks because this isn't exactly how he wanted it to be. _Careful what you wish for,_ he reminds himself. He had been wishing for this, just not in this setting. Once Jensen's settled and completely lax, he rolls off him to processes everything that just happened.

Jensen may have very well died and gone to heaven for all he knows. This is the most bliss he’s ever felt. Lousy one-night stands and morning jerk off sessions are all that he has to compare to, so it’s not really his brain’s fault. It's like however many years of frustration and tension have been banished from his body. _Jared did that_. As he comes down from the high, he realizes he’s either just had an extremely lucid dream or he’s made a monumental mistake. 

“Can you walk?” Jared asks with just a hint of play in his voice.

Not a dream—definitely a mistake

_Not good, not good, not good_ , Jensen's mind is wailing like a mayday siren. Red flags are going up everywhere and alarms are going off inside his head with those words playing on an echoed repeat. He can't let himself get sucked into Jared again. Jared will leave. Jared will turn his back on him, and Jensen will be left with absolutely nothing. Jensen was shattered the first time, he'd die before living through something like that again. Panic is starting to set in. _Fuck that!_ Panic has a firm grip on his balls, and is threatening to separate them from his body with a brutal twist. His mind starts rapid-firing off ideas on how to maintain control of the situation. None of the seem to be like viable options, _Strangle him. Stab him. Leave him here. Pretend it didn't happen. Hold him down. Kiss him with all your worth. Touch him how you've always wanted to. Rebuild those bridges from steel, so he can't burn them back down._ So yea. None of them really making any sense.

Jared watches the transition as reality finds its merry way back to Jensen's face. If it were possible, his heart would sink even lower. Jensen's freaking out. Jared wasn't sure exactly what he was hoping would happen, but this isn't what he had expected at all. Jensen had never really freaked out before when Jared would invade his privacy and push into his space. _Of course, we never crossed that line before. Maybe that was the breaking point._ Jared wonders for the first time in a long time what would have happened if he'd only had the courage to do that years ago. There's no point in dealing on what ifs. One could waste away for years living in the past. Jared pushes it down and tries to get through to Jensen again.

“Cause we need to clean off, and there’s an inlet a little ways in that direction,” Jared nods his head its direction. 

Mid-meltdown, a voice startles Jensen away from his internal ravings. Jensen turns to face Jared. Jared asked him something. "Uhmm, what?"

"Let's get cleaned up. C'mon, I know a place."

Jensen doesn't protest too much. He wipes away the drying fluid the best he can and climbs from the tent following behind Jared.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Jared’s happy he doesn’t have to fight to keep his hands to himself once they’re in the water. He makes Jensen hold his hands above the water while he washes him clean.

“Is this really necessary?” Jensen fanes whining about it, but he’s secretly enjoying the pampering.

“It is,” Jared explains, “You need to keep them dry for now. I’ll change them again this evening. C’mon, I’ll help you out.”

The small walk back to the tent is silent. Jared's not sure if it's awkward. He knows it should be awkward after everything that's happened, but it doesn't feel awkward. At least not to him. Jensen looks so lost in thought...no...lost in a memory. Jared knows that feeling, so he walks in silence alongside Jensen, and doesn't push when Jensen retreats to the tent and he goes to reheat their forgotten breakfast.

Jensen replays many events in his mind that morning. He remembers the first time he'd met Jared, how their relationship just 'clicked'. He misses sharing a living space with Jared. They were always so good together. Jensen smiles remembering Jared's weird quirks, and how Jared was always there for him. Then he remembers that argument and all the guilt that comes with each time he thinks back to it. He remembers trying to apologize, trying to make amends for 8 months after the fact. There had to be a reason Jared shut him out and pushed him away then. 

But now? Jared wasn't pushing Jensen away, he was pushing himself back in Jensen's life. Jensen assumes that Jared could be just trying to make the best of their time together. He had said he wanted to live in the present, and presently they were out in the field together for the first time ever. If Jared wants to really put the past back in the past, then Jensen will do so as well. Too many negative emotions start coming out when he thinks about it, so maybe Jared's right. Better to stay here, in the present. That doesn't mean he's going to let his guard down entirely. He can't shake the feeling that Jared's playing at something more. First with the first aid, and now with the...whatever this morning was...Yea, something's definitely up with him.

Jensen goes to pack up his stuff when they make it back to the camp. He still hasn't noticed the rest of the team isn't there, and he's only able to roll Jared's sleeping pack up before leaning against it. Jared released more than just pent up sexual tension this morning. Jensen doesn't want to move, much less walk around. He's content to just hang out here for a bit, surely someone will come and get him before they set out. That should be soon judging from how bright the sun is.

He unfolds the sleeping bag just a little and leans against the back of the tent, trying to get comfortable inside the small hard space. He notices the tent isn't nearly as comfortable now as it was when Jared was in it.


	8. Closing Old Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared tries to talk, but Jensen deflects. It's kinda his thing.

Jared gives Jensen all the space he can stand to until he decides it's getting too late to wait on Jensen. He takes a plate of re-heated food within into the tent. If Jensen won't come to him, Jared will go to him.

“You okay?” He asks, trying to hand Jensen the plate of food.

“Yea,” Jensen answers, but doesn’t look up at him.

“You hungry?"

Jensen immediately thinks back to earlier when he was practically drooling for Jared. He does owe Jared one hell of an orgasm, so why put it off? _Just get it over with. Live that fantasy, and be done_. "Would _that_ be enough for you?" He cuts his eyes to Jared like he's being offered a cockmeat sandwich, but instead he finds a plate of reheated food being handed to him.

Completely taken off guard, “Uhhh...What’s the catch?” He asks, eyeing the plate suspiciously.

“No catch,” Jared answers honestly, ignoring the reference to earlier this morning (he can't go there right now), “I made me some breakfast, thought you might like to have some too.”

“What about everyone else?” Jensen asks accepting the plate gratefully.

“Not here. Figured they’ve went off in search of the landing point. Felicia took my watch, so I can track them before we set off.”

Jensen quirks his head in confusion, “How?”

“I’ve got my laptop, and they couldn’t have gone far. “I’m sure I’ve got another compass around here somewhere, so we won’t have to rely solely on your sense of direction.”

Jensen nods his agreement ignoring the jab, “Is there any coffee?”

“Yea, but it’s not as good as Misha’s. They took that shit with them.”

Jensen laughs. He doesn't know that much about Misha, but he does know that, “Sounds like him,”

“Hey if you paid what he did for coffee, you probably wouldn’t want to share either,” Jared laughs with him, trying to defend his friend.

“You know what they say about that high-priced shit right?”

Jared laughs so hard he nearly chokes, “Wasn’t it made out of some kind of animal droppings in Peru?”

Jensen laughs harder in kind, then it fades, “Yea, but those were only rumors and it would make for a pretty cruel joke.”

“You’re right, but at least we have a reason for not caring if he shares,” Jared stops laughing, but can't stop smiling.

He climbs from the tent thinking about how much easier all this would be if Jensen would just join him in the outside world. He doesn't ponder on that too long. He fetches a mug of coffee and takes it back to Jensen.

"Don't go gettin' used to this whole breakfast in bed with bedside coffee service. Coffee was always your department." Jared tells him in jest as he hands the coffee over.

"Hey, I'm entitled," Jensen returns the joke with a small wave of his hand. 

The old camaraderie they used to have is there, and they both get taken away by it for a moment. That is, until Jared remembers they should probably (actually) talk about what's transpiring between them.

“Does this mean you’ve decided to live in the present?” He takes a chance and throws the question out there. Waiting with baited breath for Jensen’s reply.

Jensen meets Jared’s eyes and holds his gaze as he speaks. “I’ll never forget what you did to me,”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Jared blurts out part of his carefully rehearsed speech from last night. His confession comes all the way from the recesses of his mind and out of his mouth without permission. It also jumped way out of context. Jared rushes to correct. “I was only…” _protecting myself_.

“Hurt me?” Jensen smirks, cutting him off, “Don’t flatter yourself, I don’t break that easy.”

Jared knows Jensen’s aiming for a sardonic smile, and he sees it for the facade it is. He abandons his speech and speaks what's in his heart. “I loved you too, ya know? It killed me when you said that shit to me. You took a known weakness and used it against me for the sake of some argument. I..."

“You wanna live in the present? Let’s come back to that shall we. Jared, where are we?” Jensen promptly cut off the rest of what Jared had to say. There's no excuse that can take away the pain, so he'd rather not relive it.

As Jensen expected, Jared stammers for an answer. He doesn’t know.

“Jared, why were we running behind yesterday?”

“Don’t go there with me, I already told you,” Jared’s trying to contain his rising anger.

“Jared where is the rest of your gear?”

Jared’s face turns red, but not in a blush.

“Jared, where are we?” Jensen taunts again going back to the original question.

Instead of an answer Jared digs out his laptop and hands it over to Jensen. “Figure it out, and just tell me where we need to go.”

Jensen sets his nearly empty plate aside and opens the laptop. “Uh…password?”

Jared glares, “You know what the password is.”

Jensen taken aback. Jared shut him out of his life completely, but didn't alter their password? It was the password they’d used for all their collaborative projects. It was like no matter how far Jared went or what he was working on, Jensen would always have access to it. _Seriously?_

“I thought it would come in handy on the trip.” Jared sees that Jensen’s freaked, just staring at a blank screen, not typing. He had to tell him something to get him moving. A lie, in this case, worked much better than the truth ever would. Jared never changed it because deep down he'd always hoped Jensen would reach out to him again one day. His plans for reconciliation were temporarily altered because Jensen only wanted to work with him, not make amends. _Just as well._ Jensen's right where Jared wanted him to be.

“Right,” Jensen looks put off, but doesn’t say anything. He keys it in and the machine whirls to life.

Maybe trying to talk to Jensen in broad daylight wasn’t a good idea. _He certainly didn't fight back last night, or this morning._ Jared starts piecing together a plan of how to get Jensen to listen to actually listen to him.

“I think I got something,” Jensen scoots to the side to make room for Jared.

Jared tentatively scoots closer to him to look at the screen, “Good work,"

“And my sense of direction?”

“Will serve us well today. Let’s get going." Jared gave up looking for his extra compass for now. They can't be that far off, and moss always grows on the north side; even in the deepest parts of the jungle.

“Not so fast. Timestamp says they’ve been at the same location for the past three hours.” Jensen leans forward to make sure he’s calculated the time conversions correctly. Everything’s set in military time.

“Three hours,” Jared pauses his movements and eyes Jensen speculatively. “They’ve wondered off in search of the drop, and they stopped three hours ago.” He moves to get a better look at the screen.

Jensen sighs a smile, “Surely they knew you had your laptop. They’re probably just waiting for us at the drop.”

Jared shakes his head, “Nope. Not even Chad knew it was with me. Wonder how long they intend to leave us here before they come back looking.”

“You can’t be serious.” Jensen doesn’t like the direction this is going.

“Oh yea, I’m serious. Do you really think it was just some coincidence you ended up in my tent last night and not with one of your own teammates?” Jared resumes packing everything up.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen doesn’t like the implications Jared’s making with all his accusations and this new line of questioning.

Jared stops in his tracks again and nails Jensen’s gaze head on, “It means, I heard them talking yesterday morning. About us, about the past, and about how we were putting them in danger now because of it."

“That’s ridiculous,” Jensen counters.

“Is it?”

“Well yea, no one was ever really in any danger, were they?”

“You can’t say this trip hasn’t been one clusterfuck after another,” Jared bites his tongue. He really doesn’t want to argue.

“Fine. Clusterfuckfest. One right after the other. What do you wanna do now?” Jensen doesn’t bother keeping the sarcasm out of his tone.

Jared misses it all together, “Let’s go fetch the boat.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s your grand idea.”

“Obviously, the crew thought we could do with some time alone. Obviously, they have found our drop location, and our boat is still 30 miles North of here. Let’s go fetch it. There’s no point in us chasing them to the drop only to be run off again before we can have an actual shower.” Jared figures his best way through this argument (just like any other) is with logic, and not personal attacks. "And I'm certainly not waiting around here for them to show up."

He’s not wrong. “Okay,” Jensen placates, “How do we do that exactly?” Fetching the boat seems like a daunting task, but it's got to be done. Jared's right. They're the closest ones. It would be best for them to handle it themselves.

Jared’s features fall, and he rummages through the laptop case. “I got you something, just before we were due to leave,” He fumbles around until he finds what he’s looking for. He throws the small box across the space to Jensen, “Don’t say I never gave you anything,”

He takes the laptop and starts typing out frantic key strokes, “I don’t think they’ll be able to retrieve this but I’m not sure. I have to try. The two way radios we brought will only work within close proximity to each other, so that's out of the question.” 

He looks at Jensen’s hard glare, and assumes it was because of his left behind gear, “Chad was right. All the good shit is still on the dock, along with my extra food, water, clothing, and my journal. I've got some small ground equipment and a digital copy of my journal, so we should be just fine."

“I’m not accepting this.” Jensen tries to throw the box back to Jared, but his hands can't cooperate with his brain. 

"That watch will suit you nicely, and as soon as Felicia realizes mine has been paired with a second one, she’ll have a way to track us.” Jared explains with a wink.

"I'm not accepting this." Jensen repeats with more force and flings the box across the tent carelessly.

“Oh, yea you are." Jared catches it. "Here, I’ll help you with it.” Jared takes the watch from the box and crosses the tent to Jensen.

“I don’t want this,” Jensen maintains his protest.

“Listen,” Jared holds him steady just below the forearm, “I had this custom fit for you okay? just wear it through the trip, and then after we’re done, you can pawn it for all I care.”

“So your money wasn’t spent in vain.” Jensen states, trying to figure out Jared's motive. He clearly wasn't trying to buy Jensen's affections. Or maybe he was, but he doesn't care if Jensen does away with it after the trip, so wasted money was the only thing Jensen could rationalize.

“Something like that,” Jared latches the watch around his wrist, and turns to finish packing up. It was Jensen who initially turned him onto the idea of smartwatches. He's had his own for a year or so now, and it's came in handy on more than one occasion. Jared had figured buying Jensen his own and then pairing the two would be a nice gesture. It could go a long way in showing Jensen that he's ready to put the argument behind them and start over, together. He takes on part of Jensen’s load because of his hurt hands and all, but Jensen doesn’t say anything. He’s too lost in thought himself.

Jensen remembers the topic of 'latest tech' during their project. He remembers telling Jared all about the capabilities of smartwatches and how cool it would be to use them on an actual expedition. He already knew they could be paired together in case anyone ever needed to be tracked. Jared had obviously left the rest of the teams' watches with his other gear, but Jensen's had been kept in a special place. It was with his laptop, and just like the Jared of his dreams, this Jared doesn't go anywhere without his laptop. Accepting this token, in Jensen's mind, was like accepting a peace offering. He wasn't sure if he could do that yet. Part of him still felt like Jared was playing him.


	9. Permanent Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the crew begin to question their own actions. They squabble a bit, and then a couple of them set out to try and find J2.

The landing point was equipped with a small dock on the inlet and a permanent shelter with a gasoline generator. Reserves were kept underground far away from the shelter for emergencies. The shelter itself was more like a shanty building, but just big enough to accommodate six. So long as nobody minded sharing a tight space. There were three small bathrooms, three small sleeping areas, and a large common area set up with WiFi and workstations. A small kitchen was off the back side with a small outdoor charcoal grill.

About the time Jared and Jensen set off to find the boat, the four remaining members of their team are having a serious discussion concerning action and consequence.

“You heard what Felicia said,” Chris states without yelling the best he can.

“I also heard that she said Jensen was the one who turned first,” Chad counters.

“Jensen’s not been right since I found him, and Jared’s making it worse.” Chris knows that for a fact.

“Jay’s not exactly been hunkie dorie these past few years either,” Chad starts again, but is quickly interrupted.

“I really thought some time alone would do them good,” Misha jumps in before anyone else can get hit.

“Guess we need to up our game then,” Felicia says, standing next to Chris at the hut’s threshold.

“Up your game?” Chris barks at her, “They didn’t even come out here to look for us. Anymore time alone and one of them may not come back at all.”

Felicia smiles a knowing smile, “We don’t know exactly what happened this morning. You know as well as I do that Jensen was likely to freak out.”

“You’re right,” Misha adds from the ground, just out in front of them. “We need all the details.”

“What do you know?” Chris snaps.

“About Jensen, not very much, but Jared…Jared wouldn’t just walk off and leave someone alone out here, and I know that he wouldn’t actually kill Jensen.” It’s true. Misha does know Jared, perhaps not as well as Chad.

“I’m all for upping the game, as you say. I’ve got my reasons.” Chad knows that whatever went down the blame doesn’t rest solely on Jared. If Jared can’t make Jensen realize that, he hopes Jared beats him into the ground.

“It’s agreed then. We gather our details, and proceed from there.” Misha tries to bring a close to their conversation.

“Just how are we gonna gather details without either one of ‘em talkin’?” Chris is rightfully apprehensive of this plan.

“Easy,” Felicia says, “We follow them out here and see what they’re saying.”

Chris quirks an eyebrow at her, “How’d that help anything?”

“Surely they’ll talk more freely between themselves than they will with us watching. Didn’t you see how long they stayed by the fire last night; even after we went to bed?” Felicia’s pretty confident she got a good read on what transpired last night, and she’s eager to learn the details.

“What if you follow and neither of them speak?” Misha also tests the soundness of this plan.

Felicia shrugs, “It’s worth a shot,”

Chris nods his agreement. “Murray, you’re with me.”

“Wait,” Misha calls after them, “What if you’re found out?”

“We’ll just wing it. Everything will be fine,” Chad hollers back to him.

Having to 'wing' it wasn't going to be a problem. Upon returning to the campsite from the night before, Chris and Chad are disappointed to find that neither Jared nor Jensen are there. There's no evidence of where they've set off too, and they didn't meet them along the path back to the shelter. 

Panic sets in for the rest of the crew when they return empty handed. 

"What now?" Chris asks, with an edge of frustration to his voice. 

"We wait," Misha states the obvious. Waiting really is all they can do. 

"We've still got most of the day ahead of us, why not explore the area around here to see what else we can find?" Felicia asks. She's not too worried about the boys. Somehow she just knows, _Wherever they are, they're together._

"You can't be serious," Chad demands. "I'm not going to go gallivanting through the trees. Jared nor Jensen are here. Doesn't that concern you?"

"Of course it does, but there's really nothing else we can do right now." Felecia states with a perfectly level head. "We can't plan on continuing the expedition without them, so we may as well have a look around. We may come across them."

"Fine," Chad grudgingly admits, "but I'm having lunch first." 

"Didn't you just have breakfast?" Misha questions. 

"I'm a nervous eater." 

"I'm sure they're fine," Misha reassures.


	10. Retracing Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J2 make the trek back to their boat.

Jared knows they should be pushing and rushing to make time, but he doesn't push nor rush. He lets Jensen travel at his own pace. He'd noticed on the way in that Jensen had hung back behind the crowd. For the longest time, no one walked with him. Jared wasn't going to let that happen today. He needed to stay close and read queues. He knew for a fact, Jensen would never admit to needing a break. 

All he had left in his stash were a few bottles of water, some granola, and protein bars. He wasn't sure if Jensen had brought any food ashore with him, but that was okay. He'd gladly give his up, if it came to that.

Jensen spent most of the trek trying to figure out how to repay Jared's 'act of kindness' from this morning. Jared recovered from that too quick to have gotten any actual pleasure from it. It's not that Jensen wanted to be kind and return the favor. He didn't want Jared holding it over his head, and Jared certainly would. He thought back to one of his fantasies that involved him blowing Jared first thing in the morning. If anything could put Jared in his place, Jensen knew it was mouth. Every lousy one night stand had begged him to suck them off. _Perfect lips made for suckin' cock_ , They would all say in one form or another. Jensen never would though. Just the thought of sucking any of their cocks would kill the mood for him instantly. 

Jared was always the only person he ever wanted to blow. Hell, he used to get off to it. This morning made him realize he still wants it just as bad, if not more. He'll make Jared want it to. He'll make Jared beg for his mouth the way Jared cooed him into humiliating himself this morning. His cheeks burn red when he thinks back to how his body acted out against his will. Hell, it listened to Jared more than it listened to him. _That can't be right. Jensen's body is his own, ain't it?_ Apparently not where Jared's concerned.

"Water for your thoughts?" Jared asks, handing him a water bottle. 

If possible, Jensen's cheeks burn hotter. "Uhmm... yea, thanks." Jensen hesitates and then takes a drink. 

"How much longer do you think we have?" He says, hoping Jared will by the faux thoughts. 

"From looking around, I'd say another few hours."

Jensen nods, "We'll be on the river at night."

"Yea, probably. We don't have the rations to stay ashore another night. We need to get back."

"Aren't you scared?" Jensen asks, genuinely curious. "What if you take another fit? I won't be able to handle anything by myself."

"Don't worry. I'll be fine," Jared grits out. Now that he expects what happens at night, he can brace himself for it. He won't let the anxiety consume him again.

"What was all that about anyway?"

"Just me being a drama queen, remember?" Jared retorts sounding completely honest.

_He believes that,_ Jensen notices. "Is that about what I said yesterday? Because, man, I didn't mean it like that....well, I did, but"

"Are you trying to apologize?" 

"I'm trying to find out what it was to see if we can prevent it from happening again." 

"So no apology from you....like ever...okay," Jared nods his head. "I can live with that." He keeps walking. They haven't broke stride yet, "I told you I would be fine, and it won't happen again. Just drop it."

Jensen stops. "I'm not going any further until you tell me."

This could possibly be the opportunity Jared's been waiting for to clear the air. He looks around trying to determine which avenue of discussion would be best. The longer they spend in the forest, the later they'll be getting back on the river. He tries to figure out the quickest approach to get them moving again. "I have anxiety. It usually doesn't bother me, but the unexpected pounding on the hull that night....man that was scary." Jared tries to keep walking, to see if Jensen will follow. He does.

"Yea Felicia was tight lipped about the whole man eating fish thing," Jensen says catching back up to Jared. 

Jared gives a small laugh, "No, she told me all about that. In great detail. What she neglected to mention or didn't know, was they actually attack boats. They may have the ability to jump them, but what we went through was an all out assault."

Jensen thinks back, "She didn't tell me until right before it happened."

"Yea, she didn't know how to tell you because you'd said you didn't want to know a damn thing about it. She didn't know how to approach you with it."

_True_. Jensen thinks back, remembering how he, too, had been caught off guard by all the pounding. He'd assumed it was Chad. Jared had assumed the worst. "So, loud unexpected noises can trigger the anxiety?"

"Yea," Jared admits. He's not really willing to divulge any more than that, but he's sure Jensen's pretty keen to keep digging. _He's an archaeologist. It's what he does. Digging for clues of a long forgotten past, kinda his thing._ Jared smiles at the thought. 

"Is there anything that makes it better?" Jensen needs to learn all he can since he and Jared are going to be traveling on the river in the middle of the night with no one to count on but each other.

"Not that I've been able to determine. I can't take their medication. I mean, I can. I used to, but I didn't like what it did to me, so I stopped." Jared's still able to give honest answers. _This is good._

Jensen stops again. "Wait. When did this start? I don't remember you having any episodes."

Jared stops and turns too. He has to. This was the question he was hoping Jensen wouldn't ask, but all along he knew it was coming. "A few days after I picked my stuff up from your place, okay?" Jared's mind travels back to that night as he retells it. "I was sound asleep, and then there was darkness. I was alone and cold. You were there, taunting me. Well, your voice was. You told me that I would die like this--cold and alone. You laughed, said it was all my fault. I was alone and lost in the darkness with no way out." Jared stops to maintain his composure. 

Jensen doesn't say anything. He can't. He doesn't reach out to hold, touch, or caress Jared. He desperately wants to, but he can't. He's glued on the spot; stuck in a place of disbelieve. 

"God it was awful. That darkness I found myself in more and more. There was no light. Only darkness and your voice. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't talk back. I was stuck there for so long." Jared wipes a tear away. "Then it started happening during the day, in the middle of class. I wasn't actually sleeping much, so my brain started checking out on its own. That's when I tried to get help." 

Jensen tries to take another step forward but he can't. He holds out a hand to reach for Jared, but Jared doesn't even see it. 

"They diagnosed me with some kind of general anxiety disorder. Blamed it on school and stress. I knew different though. Jensen I knew, and that's what ate at me the most. I..." Jared stops and starts again. "When we had that fight, and you said those things to me, it broke my heart. I loved you, and if you could say that shit to me and then still try to play me into getting your way, it meant that you didn't love me back. I was going to talk to you when I came to get the rest of my stuff, but you had already changed the locks. I couldn't handle those implications, so I lost it, and made sure I'd lose you too." Jared does the best he can to wipe away the tears that are now flowing. "I couldn't just let you back in again after that. I had to protect me." 

He eyes Jensen, who's still stuck where he stands with an outreached arm, and then continues. "I hope some day you can forgive me for that, and we can move past it." The trance he was stuck under now lifted. His mind has successfully returned from it's journey into the past.

Jensen blinks his own tears from his eyes and doesn't bother brushing them away when they fall. He doesn't eye Jared either as his arm falls. He gives a slight nod of his head, and they start walking again.

Jensen had effectively turned the conversation on Jared, so he wouldn't have to share his own thoughts. In doing so though, it forced Jared to relive a very painful experience. His stupid, awkward body wouldn't even let him move to provide Jared the comfort he knew the other man needed. Jared wasn't looking for his comfort, so Jensen's body stayed put even though his mind wanted him to move. _Not fair,_ Jensen screamed internally like a petulant child.

Whatever imaginary control Jared had over Jensen caused him to relive his painful memories, too. _What do you say to something like that?_ His voice was lost again. He knew what he wanted to say, he just didn't know how.

Jensen had placed Jared's things outside and changed the locks because he wasn't ready to face Jared after such an argument. He was only buying himself some time to work up the nerve, so he could get out what he had to say. In hindsight, he realizes he should have just left the flat for a few days. Maybe none of this would have ever happened. He doesn't want to bring it up right now. They've lived in the past long enough today. There's no point in Jensen dragging them back there just to explain something. Those memories are too painful for them both to dwell on. 

He ponders of sharing his actual thoughts with Jared in hopes of lightning the mood. But decides against it. If he's going to do that with Jared, he doesn't want him having any foreknowledge of the act. He needs to take Jared by surprise, the same way Jared took him by surprise. It's not a game of tit for tat, it's just good strategy. Jared obviously has more control over Jensen's body than Jensen at the moment. One simple 'no' from Jared and his body would seize up against his mind's will. 

"Do you have any food on you?" Jared asks. Jensen can't tell if he's concerned or hungry because he'd been lost in thought.

"I would have to look. I'm not as organized as the rest of the team." Jensen wants to say, _not as organized as you._

"No time for stopping now. If you need something let me know." Jared keeps walking looking straight away, retracing the team's steps from yesterday.

"What do you have?" Jensen asks. Jared's offering something, so he must have it handy. 

"Granola and protein bars."

"I know for a fact I have a stash on the boat," Jensen tells him. "I'll try to wait until we make it there."

"Don't ruin your appetite with junk Jensen," Jared warns, "I'll fry us up some fish tonight."

"Seriously?"

"Yea, I'll need to head below deck early anyway."

"We'll need to find a way to secure the boat's course without dropping anchor."

"That's going to be tricky, but I'm sure we'll manage." Jared already plans to leave Jensen at the wheel, while he stays tucked below.


	11. Dark Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J2 on the river alone at night.

Finding the boat washed ashore was easy enough. It was right where they'd left it, and hadn't suffered any major damage. 

"First things first." Jared tells him. "We need to redress your hands."

"Do you have any more of that magical plant?" Jensen asks, remembering how soothing it had been the night before.

"There's some growing at the base of that tree over there. I'll go pick some, can you unwrap them?" Jared motions to the wrappings on Jensen's hands. 

Jensen deliberates a minute before saying, "I'd rather let you do it." _I'd rather feel you doing it to me,_ his mind screams.

"Okay," Jared drops his pack and retrieves some of the plant. He can see that Jensen's already fished out some water and has the bottle waiting on Jared. He's sitting down with his legs criss-crossed and Jared sits in front him. 

Jared takes Jensen's hand in his and begins the delicate process of unwrapping them. He gets both of them unwrapped this time before cleaning them off. Instead of tearing his fresh shirt he takes it off and pats the healing wounds dry. They're looking much better today. They've closed up and stopped oozing. Jensen can probably do without the wrap. Jared puts the sap over the closed wounds anyway to ensure they continue to heal up. 

"Can you move them any?" Jared asks, watching Jensen's fingers.

Jensen gives them a small flex, "They're sore, but otherwise fine."

"Do you want to leave the wraps off or put fresh ones on?" Jared knows Jensen doesn't really need them now the wounds have closed, but it would protect them from re-opening, and it would give Jared another excuse to touch him.

Jensen turns back eyeing the boat. He'll need to climb aboard, so he needs to figure out if his hands are best left unwrapped or would be better protected with it on. He looks back to Jared, "What do you think?"

Jared examines Jensen's right hand, starting with the palm and working his way up the fingers. "I think you'll do just fine without them." Then he laces his fingers with Jensen's, "But if you wanted them wrapped to protect them from opening back up, I'll wrap them for you."

Jensen looks at their laced fingers, and notices some of the salve is now on Jared, "Just for now so I don't get the ooze everywhere."

Jared smiles and wraps them back up. Then he starts taking his boots off and undoing his belt.

Jensen's eyes grow wide at the sight. 

"What?" Jared asks, confidently with a touch of concern. 

"What are you doing?" Jensen's eyes grow wide, trying to figure out what's going on.

"Getting ready to make the climb after I push the boat back in the water."

"You?"

"Yea, me. You don't see anyone else do ya?"

"I can help."

"Not with your hands. I'll help you climb aboard the best I can, then I'll help shove the boat off the shoreline."

"Just you?"

"Yes Jensen. Just me and that heavy branch over there. I'm going to use it like a lever."

Jared stands, losing his shorts. He's left with only his boxers.

"Uh," Jensen begins, but Jared takes his neatly folded clothes and boots and packs them in Jensen's backpack. He keeps his own pack lighter so he can toss it aboard to Jensen. "Take take this one onboard with you," He says handing Jensen the gear. "And watch my laptop." 

Jensen doesn't protest. He makes the short climb the best he can with the added weight on his back. As soon as he's back aboard he gives the thumbs up to Jared. 

"Catch," Jared hollers up to him, and then slings the other pack.

As he catches it, Jensen's glad he'd decided to have his hands wrapped. 

Soon enough Jensen is treated to the sight of watching Jared climb the rope along the side of the boat. His toned muscles are flexing and relaxing with his every moment. Jensen loses himself in watching their rhythm while they work to bring Jared up to him.

He imagines reaching a hand out to grab Jared and help him aboard then feigning a fall back, just so Jared would land pressed against him. All of those toned muscles and hard limbs are Jensen's undoing. 

Jared laughs, interrupting Jensen's fantasy, "You need a napkin for all that drool." He teases. "We gotta get going."

Jensen gets his wits back about him and moves to the wheel. 

"I'll take care of storing the gear and getting a line or two in the water." Jared tells him as he moves about making sure they've got everything ready. He re-secures the equipment bindings from the other night before heading below deck.

There is a bunch of extra space now that most of the team's gear isn't there. Jared clears a place to actually cook something and then starts rummaging through cabinets and drawers looking for Jensen's stash. He can't find it, so he grabs the fishing poles instead and heads above to where Jensen is still at the wheel.

"Exactly how far from here is the landing point?" He questions upon Jared's return. 

"I'm checking the laptop now, and putting the lines in the water. Give me a sec." Jared's moving to the back of the boat and Jensen turns to see that (much to his internal disappointment) Jared has put his shorts back on. He's not too disappointed. Jared left his shirt, belt, and shoes off. So Jensen still has a nice view of the cargo shorts riding low on his hips. He idly wonders how easy it would be to make them fall. Jared catches him staring. _Again!_ He immediately turns back before Jared can call him on it.

Jared bites his tongue. Now's not the time for that. He's caught Jensen looking more than once, but he can't determine what it means exactly. He can't figure it if the lingering looks are from their encounter this morning or from what Jared broke down and told him in the woods. He hopes for the former but prepares for the latter. He has the lines in the water at the back of the boat, and is sitting there keeping an eye on them as he opens his laptop. He needs to check and see if he's got a response from the message he sent Felicia earlier. 

There's not one, and it doesn't surprise him really. No one else knew he had the computer with him, so they wouldn't be expecting any messages to come through. "Jen?" He hollers to the front of the boat to get Jensen's attention. 

"Yea?"

"Coordinates?"

Jensen rattles the numbers from his watch off, but not in quick succession. "Repeat." He asks, but it comes out a command. He wants to make sure Jared got them down right. He can't have a transposed number causing them to miss their mark. 

Jared repeats the numbers easily back to Jensen. Eerily, he doesn't feel humiliated or self-conscience. Probably because he had them right. If he'd even been one number off, he'd never heard the end of it. He's really gotten better with the whole number thing, 6 digits he can handle. 16 not so much.

"You said you had a stash on here. Where is is?"

Jensen reaches into the glove box at the wheel and retrieves his forgotten bag of goodies. "You want it, come and get it."

Jared secures the lines and makes his way to the front of the boat to grab the sack out of Jensen's hand. 

"Dude you got Cheddar Sour Cream?!" Jared exclaims. They used to be his favorite before.

Jensen smiles, "Yea, couldn't help myself." It's a lie. Jared's old favorites quickly became Jensen's after their fight. It was all he had left to hold onto. "What are they worth to ya?" Jensen asks with a wink. 

Jared grabs the chips, "I already paid for these this morning." He turns to go back to the lines. "Besides, no meat left for a sandwich, so don't go expecting a repeat performance." Jared's ever grateful his back is to Jensen when he says it. It hides the blush that's starting to creep out.

"Hey," Jensen hollers back to him, "You forgot the chocolate chips." 

"I don't have a sandwich, Jensen."

For the first time Jensen feels actual regret about not planning any of this out with Jared. They wouldn't be separated from their team now if he'd sucked it up sooner. Their team has most of the food rations with them, and Jensen doesn't blame them or even Jared. He blames himself. 

He watches Jared with the lines, and hopes Jared's right; that the fish in this river are safe to eat. 

He spends most of the afternoon looking from the front of the boat to the back of the boat, watching Jared when he doesn't have the pressing need to look ahead. He notices that Jared doesn't keep every kind of fish he pulls out of the river. He puts a lot of them back, only taking certain ones. 

"What kind are they?"

Jared just beams at him, "The _good_ kind." Jared's pretty sure that every creatures is probably safe to eat, but he's only after certain ones that will go well with the seasonings left behind in the kitchen below. 

Contrary to popular believe lemon pepper and butter don't go well with every fish. He wants to make sure this is good enough to impress. He's not sure what impressing Jensen will earn him exactly, but he's hoping it's more than lingering stares.


	12. Fish Fry on the River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's pleasantly rewarded for his efforts.

The meal he'd prepared for them earned him the most delectable moan he could have only ever imagined--until now.

It wasn't too low or desperate as it had been earlier. This one was one of pure ecstasy and total bliss.

Jared grabs the side of his plate to break the tension and the blood flow that's headed south, "I'm just gonna go...give you some alone time with your fish." 

"What're you on about?" Jensen asks, opening his eyes, seeing that Jared's walking away. _What?_

"Your moaning like a porn star around your fish and it's making me uncomfortable," Jared teases. 

"That wasn't a porn star moan. That was a real moan, 100% Jensen baby." Jensen returns the banter, and reaches for Jared's wrist, "Stay. Eat with me. I didn't mean to..." his voice trails off, as Jared sits back down. He wasn't actually going anywhere.

"Where did you learn how to do this?" Jensen asks changing the subject before things can get too awkward.

"It's just fish, Jensen," 

"But it's amazing," 

"I know my way around a kitchen is all. You should know."

Jensen does know--well he remembers. He should have known Jared well enough to know that no one taught Jared how to do this. Jared figured it out on his own of course, "You're amazing." He turns red and then corrects, "Your cooking is amazing. It always was."

Jared decidedly doesn't comment on the compliment. He takes it at face value and considers the source. He's sure Jensen doesn't mean it. Either way, he doesn't need validation for how good the food is, _He can taste._ "Try a sip of whine with it."He offers his glass to Jensen. 

"Where in the hell did you find that?"

"We all have our secret stash of goodies, Jensen." He continues to hold the glass out, waiting for Jensen to take it. To drink after him.

Jensen doesn't hesitate. He lets a satisfied hum escape his throat once the fluid is in his mouth. This time it's intentional, to gauge Jared's reaction. 

Jared doesn't react in the way Jensen had hoped. He's simply smiling fondly at him, waiting for a verbal response. Maybe Jensen was being too obvious.

"S,good, Jare, thanks." Jensen passes the glass back to him and resumes eating. 

"You want me to pour you glass?"

Headshake, "Nah, I can't dally too long, I need to get back to the wheel."

"She looks fine to me," 

"Seriously, I shouldn't leave it floating long."

******************************************************************************************************************

Jared watches, disappointed, as Jensen finishes his small plate of food and returns to the helm. He pours a second glass of wine and takes it to Jensen anyway. "Something to take the edge off," He says as he hands the glass over. 

"Thanks," Jensen accepts it, but doesn't drink from it right away. Jared figures he'd take that over nothing any day. He busies himself with clearing the small table of dirty dishes and taking them below to be washed. 

After washing the dishes, he gets back on his laptop just to make sure everything's running along nicely. There's still no response from Felicia, but he hadn't really expected one this early either. She's probably only just now realizing his watch has been paired with another. 

Heaving a sigh, he puts the laptop up and decides to try and settle in for the night. He'd made sure everything was secure up top before starting dinner, and he secured everything down here after he washed up the rest of the dishes. 

It's not like he and Jensen are still really good friends, and they can pass the time by talking. So, he decides that sleeping while he can is a safe bet. There's nothing else for him to do right now anyway.

************************************************************************************************************

Jensen felt slightly let down and Jared hadn't stayed above deck with him. Realistically, he knew why. Jared had already told him he would spend most of the evening below deck. It didn't stop Jensen's wishing that things between them could be different. 

From his stunt at dinner, he knew Jared didn't look at him with lust filled eyes or any sense of longing. Jensen could live with that, but he still wanted to hope for some semblance of friendship between them. After all, they were on this boat headed to a drop point. Their journey together wouldn't be over from there. They still had to set out and explore Matakah. It would be a lot easier on everyone if they could do it as friends. Acquaintances with civility was out of the question in Jensen's mind. They'd been too close to ever take a step backwards from anything but easy friends. 

He stares out into the darkness before him silently wishing away. So many things in the back of his throat that here left unsaid--even after all this wasted time had passed between them. Unlike Jared, ready and willing to talk, Jensen had no idea where to begin. He wishes now he would have tried. If he would have tried, he may not be alone in the dark with only his thoughts to keep him company.

He figures Jared just needs his space, with everything that's happened today alone, he can understand that. There's really no need or excuse to make Jared stay above deck with him, so Jensen had to be content to sail on with things how they were for now. Maybe things will look up later. They'll be back on dry land with a hot shower and comfortable beds. _Yea, that'll put everyone in a better mood._ Jensen remains at the helm for as along as his legs will hold him.


	13. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen finds Jared mid breakdown.

Jensen staggers below deck, stepping a way from the helm for few moments shouldn't hurt anything. 

He needed to check on Jared. He hadn't been above deck since the sun started setting, and Jensen was starting to get worried. He found himself actually worried for Jared, not thinking about what it would mean for him if Jared was unable to help out. No, Jensen's interest in finding Jared was to solely make sure he was okay. There was no self interest involved whatsoever.

What he finds threatens to buckle his knees. Jared is crawled into the farthest corner and balled up on himself. Jensen struggles to fit this new image of Jared with the one from this morning. He can't. 

The Jared from this morning was confident and unafraid. He was teasing and relentless. He sweetly coaxed Jensen's orgasm from his body and then helped him come down from it. He didn't push or rush into talking about it. He didn't taunt or berate. He had Jensen drooling over him the rest of the day. 

That's a stark contrast to the Jared he finds now. This Jared is weak and scared. His curled up on himself and hiding his face. His body is trembling, and Jensen doesn't waste anymore time on thoughts. He crosses the space between them with ease, and falls to his knees in front of Jared.

His body is moving under his control. He no longer finds himself unable to reach out and touch. He places a hand on Jared's side, and then pulls him in for a warm embrace. At first the trembling against him gets stronger, so he gives Jared a reassuring squeeze. 

He feels the instant Jared relaxes against him, melting into the embrace. He's been waiting for it, so he can work to carefully move Jared's hair from his face to get a better look at him.

He brushes it to the side with his hand. Wide hazel eyes meet his with surprise. Then they grow comically wider in confusion. 

"Sh sh. Sokay, I got ya," Jensen repeats the comforting words from this morning back to Jared. 

Those words hit Jared's ears like the taunt he _just knows_ they are. His body instinctively jerks to get away. 

Jensen grips him tighter, and leans down so he can whisper closer to Jared; to get Jared to trust him. "I'm not going to hurt you, and I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to."

Those words seem to bring Jared a sense of peace as stops struggling to get free. 

"Just relax," Jensen keeps going, "Let me hold you." _The way I always wanted to_ , remains unsaid.

He lets his face rest against Jared's neck, and he nuzzles slightly just below the ear. He clamps down on the urge to kiss and lick. He'd just promised Jared he wouldn't do anything Jared didn't want him to, and he's sure Jared wouldn't want that. 

Jared's not sure when he fell asleep or when the nightmare started. He only remembers being jerked awake by the sharp pain in his chest. He'd kicked out and tried to move, thinking he could escape it. That only served to make matters worse. He must of shouted out as he stumbled back into the small corner because _something_ had to get Jensen's attention. 

Judging by the way Jensen's acting now, it was something huge. Jensen's holding him with a firm, reassuring grip. He's providing comfort without demanding anything in return. He can tell the touch is genuine, and hopes like hell it stays that way. He doesn't think he could handle it if Jensen were just going to use this against him later. 

A tear rolls down his face at the thought of Jensen using this just to gain the upper-hand in another stupid disagreement. It's unbearable, but it serves to remind Jared of why he'd shut Jensen out in the first place. 

"S...this okay?" A small voice asks, right at his ear. 

Jared wants to scream from the mountain tops it is, but he can't. He's trying to remember why this trip was a good idea in the first place. Jerkily he shakes his head 'no'. 

Like that the warmth and weight of Jensen are gone. Jared's chest aches for it to come back.

"I'm so sorry," Jensen rushes to apologize, then stammers to explain. "I didn't mean....I just came down and saw...and....", but he's inept. Finally he settles on what he feels is the most important. He schools his features, so Jared will know he's for real. "I'm sorry, man. It won't happen again." He turns to go back to the helm. 

Jared wishes he could believe in Jensen's sincerity. He wants that more than anything. Not because he never wants Jensen to hold him, but because he wants to believe that Jensen has grown as a person since they parted and he can now be trusted at his word. More importantly Jared wants to believe he can trust him with his heart again. He just can't get there right now. 

The tightness in his chest released almost immediately after Jensen pulled him into his hold. His breathing has evened back out, and he needs to figure what he can do now. Going back to sleep isn't an option for him, so he needs to find something to keep himself busy.

He checks the laptop again, it's futile. He walks above deck to find Jensen at the wheel. He steps up behind him, but not too close. "Hey, can I check the watch?" 

Instead of taking it off his wrist, Jensen holds his arm up for Jared's inspection. "I need to see how far off we are," 

"We're almost right on top of them, and it's a good thing too." Jensen doesn't want to be on the river any longer than necessary. 

"I'm glad to see our visitors haven't returned. We need to look for a place to dock the boat." 

"I can't see shit out here, so we're going to have to guess at it."

"I've got a utility flashlight," Jared disappears to the back of the boat only to come back mere seconds later. He shines the light along the river's edge, "Is there anywhere we can take it ashore?" 

"Not that I can tell." Jensen pauses to consider their options. The team still hasn't realized they're coming, and are probably worried sick. "How about we get as close as we can to the shoreline, outside of the current, and then drop anchor." 

"Better than nothing, but we have to find away to bring everything ashore." 

"Not everything, many supplies are already supposed to be there, remember?" 

Jared considers this, and then realizes more than anything he just wants this part of their journey over. "Okay, fine." On second thought, maybe he just wants a shower and a comfortable bed more than anything.

"We can use the life raft for the smaller stuff if it makes you feel any better." Jensen tells him. 

"Yea, I'll need to take my laptop at least." 

Jared turns to gather his things, assuming Jensen is going to put their plan into action right away. Jensen grabs him by the wrist to stop him. Jared whirls around to meet his gaze head on. 

"I'm really sorry, about earlier, and this morning." Jensen doesn't know why it seems so important to make sure Jared understands this, but he's got a driving need to speak the words aloud again. Hopefully this time Jared will at least acknowledge them with some kind of reaction. 

Jared pulls his hand back. "It's fine, really. Don't mention it. Seriously. To anyone. Ever." 

Jensen pulls back from Jared as if he'd been scorched. "Okay," he whispers, voice small and weak. Anger bubbles up from nowhere, irrational and uncalled for he blurts out, "I"ll make sure your butt buddy doesn't find out, that make you feel better, Jare?" The pet name is spoken like a weapon.

Jared can't stop to take pity on him or have mercy. Some part of him knows he just hurt Jensen's feelings with what he said, but he can't deal with that right now. They need to get to shore. He will deal with Jensen and his complicated feelings later. 

Jensen turns to face the darkness alone. He really hopes he can find a new bed buddy once they find the shelter. His current one is making him crazy. He gave him a mind blowing orgasm this morning, and then this evening he's forbidden Jensen touch him. Jensen just wanted to talk about what had happened. It wasn't like he was going to run off blabbing about anything that's personal. _Who was he gonna tell?_ As much as he's sure Chris and Felicia wanted to hear all about it, Jensen was that much more sure he'd never tell them. Not willingly anyway.


	14. All Together Again

"Any idea what we're gonna tell them?" Jensen means for it come out snarky, but he just sounds confused. 

"Depends on what they tell us first," Jared replies easily. 

"You got everything?" Jensen huffs. 

"I guess, let's do this," 

They start making their way to the shore line. Jared's like 99% sure on where to go from there. Every muscle in his body screams at him to be sure cause he don't think he can handle another night on the hard ground or in the bottom of the boat. 

Jensen insists on carrying his own weight this time, but he's still too stubborn to take the wraps off from earlier. Things are stilted and awkward between him and Jared _again_ , and Jensen's not sure it can be fixed this time. So, he keeps his head down and follows Jared's lead without words or questions. 

Jensen was hoping to get a rise out of him earlier with the whole 'butt buddy' line, but it hadn't worked. Jared continued what he was doing and ignored him nonetheless. Jensen let that deter him. From now on he insisted with his brain that he was going to go about this in the same way he said before. _Cold, impersonal_ , It's not like Jared would know the difference anyway.

Suddenly Jared comes to a stop in front of him and throws an arm out to the side. Jensen stops short before running into it. Touching Jared right now, or letting Jared touch him isn't a good idea. At least Jensen's brain can comprehend that much about this fucked up situation. 

He can see what the issue is without even asking. Just ahead and to the left of their path is where the shelter must be. There's lights on, and Jensen can barely make the structures formation in the surrounding darkness. He looks to Jared's face. He's got a finger over his mouth to signal _quiet_. Jensen gives him a slight nod and motions with his right hand. Jared passes a confirming nod. 

It's all too nostalgic to Jensen. They'd never needed words to communicate in college either. He's briefly taken aback by the familiar gesture, but he doesn't let himself get too caught up in it. Jared wants to creep up to the side of the building to see what he can hear in their absence. He's not sure if the team is worried about them or not. Surely they'd come back to look for them, but what now?

Jensen hears laughter from coming from inside the shelter, but he's not sure who it is. It could be Misha or Chad. He knows for a fact it's not Chris or Felicia. 

Peeking inside is out of the question, he would be spotted the instead he stuck his face to the window. Jared must still be on the other side somewhere putting together the same thing. 

Jensen pulls to back away. He needs to find Jared so they can go in. This was pointless. They're all having a good laugh, but he can't decipher who the butt of their joke is. Without warning he backs directly into Jared and then jumps forward. Jared grabs him with a hand over his mouth. 

"Sh," He whispers against Jensen's ear, and Jensen feels the shiver run down his spine, _Damn Him!_ "Be patient. Let's find out what they're on about." 

Jensen can't think. Jared's right behind him with an arm at his hip to hold him steady. The other arm is around his head, keeping a palm over his mouth. Jensen doesn't wanna move, doesn't wanna think. He just wants to feel, to lean back and melt into the touch. 

"Okay?" Jared has to prompt because Jensen's obviously not going to answer. 

Jensen nods jerkily under his hand and quickly moves his own hand to press at his groin, trying to get more comfortable. He's not sure why, but every time Jared puts a hand on him all the blood in his body makes a bee line there. Luckily for him, they're still cast in the shadows, and Jared can't see what he's doing. Probably doesn't even expect it. 

"I'm serious you guys," Chad yells out over the laughter. 

Misha's laughter returns. "That's what makes it so funny."

"You're awful quiet over there girl, what's on your mind?" Chris' voice echos up from the background. 

"I think we need to organize ourselves to go out searching tomorrow." 

"We wouldn't even know where to look," Misha tries to sober himself as he speaks, catching his breath. 

"I have to do something, I can't just sit around and wait for them to magically appear. That may be okay with you, but Jensen is my friend. I won't leave him alone out there." Felicia counters. 

"I'll go with you," Chris assures her. 

"Count me in," Chad quickly agrees. "Course I'll be lookin for Jared, but I'm sure they're still together." 

Misha's laughter continues. "OH yea there's a comfort for you. Jensen's not all alone Felicia, Jared's with him. I'm sure _nothing_ will happen to him." 

Jensen jerks, he's heard enough. He tries to leave where he stands to storm in, but Jared holds him in place. 

"What's that supposed to mean Collins?" Chris asks. 

"Yea, I'm sure Jared wouldn't actually hurt him." Chad agrees. 

"Right....because Jared's always been sooooo protective of him." Misha snarks. 

"Like Jared's never hurt him before," Chris continues, eyeing Chad. "What makes you so sure our Jensen is perfectly safe?"

"I can assure you Jensen's perfectly fine." Chad rushes to explain. "I can't speak about any headache or heartbreak, but I know Jared would never physically hurt him." 

"All the more reason we need to get out there and look for them." Felicia continues. 

Misha laughs, and then there is a distinct sound of flesh connecting with bone before Chris' voice is heard. "As I told you before if you have nothing productive to add, keep your smart mouth shut."

Jensen's frozen in place. He can feel tears pricking the backs of his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He's not giving anyone that satisfaction. He can feel Jared nudging him on the shoulder to get him moving, but he jerks away; keeping his back to Jared. 

Jared knows for a fact all that wasn't easy to listen to. Hell it was hard for him to hear too, but they can't sulk about the bushes all night, they need to get inside. He does the unthinkable and comes up behind Jensen again, holding him place at the hips. "Jen, we should go in." 

"Don't fucking touch me. Go on. I'll come in when I'm ready." He steels his voice. 

"You know it's going to go much harder for me if you don't walk in by my side. Chris will kill me." Jared doesn't move.

"What do I care?" Jensen knows he doesn't mean it, but he can't stop the hateful words from spilling out anyway. "I'm sure your fuck toy ,Misha, will get a good laugh out of the whole thing."

"I'll make it worth your while," Jared whispers to him.

"I'm not your plaything. I stopped playing games years ago." 

"I'm not playing." He pushes against Jensen's backside for emphasis. Being this close to Jensen has always had this effect on him. It's about time he learned to use it to his advantage.

"But you were playing earlier?" Jensen can feel the bulge being pressed against him. He's felt it enough times to know it doesn't actually mean anything below the physical realm. 

"What? No," He pauses then sighs, "It's complicated alright." 

"Like I wouldn't understand." 

Jared wishes he could tell Jensen everything, but there's no way either one of them are ready for that now.

"Fine, it's not like I can drag you in kicking and screaming." Jared leaves and takes his heat with him. Listening to the rest of the team talk about matters between him and Jensen didn't really help in the way he thought it would. He couldn't blame Chris or Felicia for doubting him. They didn't know what actually went down all those years ago, but they knew enough. Chad didn't surprise him with his eagerness to defend Jared, in his own way of course. What surprised him the most was also the least helpful was Misha's laughter. Jared's usually not one to jump to violence, but standing there in that moment feeling how Jensen was trembling with every laugh, Jared had wanted to punch Misha in his stupid face himself. 

"Well look who finally decided to show up!" Chad exclaims in way of greeting.

"Hey man, where the showers?" Jared responds back. He's not sure what Jensen wanted him to say or not say, so he decided to avoid all questions for now. 

"Uh..Jared, as good as it is you're here and not dead, I still gotta ask: Where's Jensen?" Chris doesn't bother keeping the frustration or warning out of his voice. Jensen's not with him, so something's obviously wrong.

"He's still outside. I'm sure he'll be in soon." Jared throws over his shoulder as he takes off to the bathroom, hopefully putting the conversation to an end for now.

"Not so fast," Chris intercedes him. "Fetch him, then you can shower." 

"Are you kidding me? He wants to be as far away from me as possible right now," Jared spits the words out angrily but that doesn't stop him from wanting to cry. He's not sure why: frustration, hurt, anger, sadness. It could be anything; like a hormonal teenager. 

"Well that can't be good. What did you do to him _this time?_ " Chris keeps a hand on Jared's shoulder not letting him move. 

Chad jumps into defend, "How do we know it wasn't Jensen who did something uncalled for to Jared?" 

The hand on his shoulder tenses, "That true?"

Jared can't find his voice. He settles for weakly shaking his head.

"Jay, what happened?" Chad asks earnestly. 

"We fetched the boat, and brought it down here. She's anchored about 30 yards that way." A deep honey smooth voice sounds from the doorway. Jensen points off into the direction of where they 'docked' the boat. 

"Misha, Chad c'mon, help me bring it to shore," Chris releases the hand that was holding on to Jared as he leaves. Jared doesn't think twice, doesn't even look back to Jensen. He goes off to take a well earned shower.


	15. A Fresh Start

Jensen tried and tried to explain to Felicia how things were for him that morning when he woke up. He explained the paired watch that Jared had insisted he wear. He explained why they had decided to go and retrieve the boat and why it was a bad idea. 

Felicia only pretended to understand. She was looking, to Jensen, like she was secretly plotting to get them alone together again. Jensen wanted no more of that. He wanted nothing more of this trip. He wanted to go home to civilization; more like go home to his liquor cabinet, but she needn't know that.

Jensen wasn't sure when this camp became divided, but he was sure he was to blame. Jared probably was too, but Jensen knew he'd never admit it. The best thing for him to do was walk away. Felicia was still trying to get him to open up and talk about it when his mind drifted away with thoughts of Jared. 

Jared was currently in the hot steamy shower already thoroughly clean, and doing his damnest to bring himself off. He just couldn't. Every time he would get close, Jensen's pained face would flash before his eyes and it would kill the mood instantly. While the mood went away the erection did not. He slammed the water off with more force than required and hastily toweled himself off the best he could. He changed into loose shorts, and decided to leave the shirt off. The way Jensen was sure to look at him would give him new images for his spank bank.

"Shower's yours," Jared's voice startles Jensen from his thoughts.

"Oh, you didn't have to wait. There are three here." Felicia tells him across the table. 

Jensen only knows something about a shower was said. "Okay." He grabs his stuff and heads off to the bathroom. 

"Are y'all hungry?" Felicia asks. 

"Nah, we ate earlier. You can make it up to me in the morning." Jared flashes a golden smile to her. "In the meantime though, I'm beat." 

"Your room is the third one down on the left." Her voice falters a bit before coming back. "You'll have to share with Jensen...if that's okay...Everywhere else is taken." 

"I'd rather share with you." Jared mumbles. 

"I can see if Misha will.." She begins. 

"No, that's quite alright, really." Jared interrupts. He's absolutely sure he would murder Misha in his sleep, and he can't stand the thought of another guy getting to sleep with a tired Jensen. 

"Are you sure?" 

"It's fine," Jared throws over his shoulder to her. 

The room isn't big, but it's a lot bigger than the tent. They won't have to sleep on top of each other unless they really wanted to. Jared hits the small lamp and finds a place to dock his laptop for the night. He unpacks what little he has with him and is just about to bed down when the door opens. 

"I assume they have me sleeping in here," Jensen sounds dejected, and all Jared wants to do is hold him close. 

Jared doesn't know what to say. He could have altered their sleeping arrangements, but in the end, he just hadn't wanted to bad enough. He settles for, "Yea, it looks like your stuck with me." 

"Just keep it on your side, okay?" 

"If that's what you want," 

"I wanna go home." Jensen whines.

"Am I that bad?" 

"It's not you..." Jensen takes in Jared's pointed expression, "Well, it's not _only_ you." 

"I'm sorry, okay?" Jared wants to close the distance between them, but he can't. He's fixed to the spot. 

"Do you even know what to be sorry for?" Jensen asks incredulously. 

"I have a growing list. Can't you just accept it and we move on?" Jared can't go over that list right now. Some of it Jensen knows about, some of it he doesn't. He's not in the sharing mood. 

"Give me one thing off that list?" 

"I'm sorry...." Jared's brain is tied between two items on the list. Jensen only asked him for one...it's a huge list. _What's the harm in giving two?_ "I'm sorry I shut you out all those years ago, and I'm sorry I pushed you away earlier. Self preservation. That's all." 

Jensen's not sure what to do with that, or even what it means. He asks the only question that's been on his mind all day, "This morning?"

Jared freezes, "Come again?"

"Are you sorry for this morning?"

Jared's mouth perks at the corner, "No, Jensen, I'm not sorry about that. I can't say I'm happy about the way it happened, but I'm glad it finally did." 

"So you wouldn't mind me returning the favor sometime? So long as I don't mention it to anyone?" Jensen's afraid that orgasm from this morning will be all Jared needs to hold over his head. He can't let that happen. 

"Actually, there's no need to return the favor. And you can tell whoever you like about that." Jared considers his words. "I'm sorry I freaked on you earlier.....on the boat.... I'm just not used to...." 

"No, I over stepped boundaries," Jensen can admit that, even if he doesn't want to. "Bygones?" 

Jared extends a hand to Jensen, "Just don't hold it against me." 

"I'm serious Jare, I stopped playing games years ago." Jensen takes his hand and gives it a firm shake. 

Jared wishes he could say the same. He played one hell of a game just to get Jensen here, and now they both want nothing more than to go back home. Jensen back to his liquor bottle and Jared back to his lonely office. 

"You still wanna go home?" 

Jensen releases the hand after holding on a second too long. "Don't push it." 

The cots they have set up aren't as comfortable as Jensen had hoped for. He spent a good 10 minutes trying to get it adjusted just right before giving up and setting his sleeping packs up on the floor. He does take the pillow from the cot, but it doesn't do much good to support his head or neck. It's too damn small to comfortably fold in half. He groans and throws the damned thing back on the cot. 

"Problems?"

"Sorry, I just can't get comfortable."

Jared doesn't turn on the light, but he turns toward Jensen anyway. "Anything I can do to help?"

"I'm just having a bad day," Jensen sounds petulant, and it causes Jared to hold back a laugh.

"Let's get you comfortable, okay?" Jared moves to get the pillow Jensen just flung, "And then you can tell me all about your bad day." His tone is placating, and it grates against Jensen's nerves. 

"I'd rather not," He bites out. 

"Sure you would," Jared tells him easily, re-positioning everything on the floor and pulling Jensen closer to him. He's got his own head propped up on both their pillows, and his shoulder has become a makeshift pillow for Jensen. "Just pretend I'm not me." 

Jensen will never admit it aloud, but he's much more comfortable now that Jared's in the floor with him. That doesn't mean he's magically in the sharing and caring mood all of a sudden, but he can find sleep like this. Or, rather, sleep can find him.

At Jensen's lack of response, Jared gives him a reassuring squeeze. "C'mon, Jen. Tell me all about it." 

"I can't pretend you're not you when you call me that." 

Jared nuzzles him, "C'mon. Let's talk about it." 

"I don't wanna. I don't even know where to start, or how I wanna finish. Can we just _not_ do this?" 

"What are you so afraid of?" 

"Getting too close," Jensen's voice is so soft, Jared nearly misses it.

"I know 'I'm sorry' doesn't erase the past....believe me I know, but you gotta trust me." 

"I wish I could, but I just can't. I can't go back there, and then have it all ripped away again." 

"Don't you even wanna try?" 

"As amazing as this morning was, even the best sex on the planet isn't worth the heartache." Jensen wants to turn over, but Jared holds him still. 

"I never stopped loving you." Jared's positive he's never spoke those words aloud, but he has....and Jensen uses the opportunity. 

"Yea, you claim to have loved me so much, you shut me out time and time again. You tore me down until I finally walked away." The anger is returning almost with a vengeance. 

"It was a stupid fight, and I was stupid, and I'm sorry." Jared's voice is pleading. No anger, no heat. 

"It doesn't take the pain away, and it does nothing to negate any future pain. I can't go down that road again. I don't think you understand." 

"Then we don't go down that road. We start over, and go down a different one. No holding back this time." 

Jensen's pretty sure he knows what Jared's trying to insinuate here. _No holding back_ , he takes to mean the sexual attraction they share. He's folly enough to believe that he can get on-board with that, and leave his heart by the bed. 

That is not what Jared's actually asking for at all. He wants a fresh start all the way around. He has no intentions whatsoever of leaving his heart anywhere. Jensen doesn't question, and Jared doesn't explain. 

"Fine," Jensen finally concedes. "No holding back this time." Jared totally misses the smirk in his tone because he's too relieved to finally have what he's been playing at within his reach. 

 

 

A/N........................Probably the biggest misunderstanding these two have had yet. I'm anxious to see how it turns out.


	16. Mindblowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared thinks he's in love and everything is just great. Jensen, on the other hand, not so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I envy the writers that can develop their characters and dictate their actions. That is so easy, in my humble opinion, to make someone up and then manipulate them into doing whatever you wish. 
> 
> The characters that come to me aren't like that. (Yes okay, laugh. It's like an imaginary friend. I know) These characters have their own personalities and experiences. They have their own paths they travel and make their own choices. I just report on it. I'll be honest I'm not happy with this update nor how it turned it out. I hope maybe you are? As readers, I'm sure it reads a different way entirely than it plays out in my head. I hope that's the case the anyway.

Silence engulfs the room. Jared snuggles closer to Jensen, and he returns the favor; melting into the hold.

"So, tell me. About today. What made it so bad?"

_He's really not gonna let this go, is he?_ Jensen wishes he could be a million miles away from here. Maybe even back at home in his own comfortable bed, passed out from hitting the bottle too hard. The question's out there though, and he needs to come up with an answer, and quick. "Where should I start?" He feels Jared smile against his neck. 

"How about we start with this morning? Tell me, in your own words, what happened." 

Jensen goes still, "Do we really need to discuss _that_? You know what happened as well as I do and I'd really rather not talk about it." _If it's all the same to you._

"Are you ashamed?" 

_Here it comes,_ Jensen knew Jared would bring it up and use it against him somehow. What catches him off guard is that he had expected Jared to bring it up in front of the colleges. Instead he's bringing it up now in the middle of the night, with noone else around to hear how Jensen crumbled and gave in. "No, not ashamed. Just lonely too long." 

"That's all it was?" Jared doesn't want to, but he can live with that explanation, just until Jensen figures everything out. At least Jared's not too proud to admit it, "I coulda swore there was more beneath the surface."He nuzzles against Jensen's neck hoping the added closeness will encourage him to open up.

Jensen tenses slightly, "I have either been lonely way too long, or it was a monumental mistake. Either way, it's not favorable, so it's best we just don't go there." 

Jared knows he should just let it go, but he can't. _Like a full grown dog with a bone_. "What are you so afraid of? And don't say getting your lil' ole' heart broke again. That's just a cliché."

Jensen sends a sharp elbow to Jared's ribs, "Fuck you. At least I'm not some heartless bastard."

"At least I'm not afraid to go after what I want. You let a silly little thing like fear stand in your way. Let it go, and just feel." Jared starts kissing and sucking at Jensen's neck to emphasize his point.

Jensen finds himself tore yet again between wanting to give in or run away. The sensations are all too much much for him. It's not like he's had a steady string of partners or anything. Jared's effect isn't rocket science, it's basic chemistry. He rolls over, nudging Jared's legs apart with his knee, and moves into the V he created. Instead of leaning out to meet Jared's face he moves to his chest and shoulders. As soon as he feels Jared's blunt fingernails dig into his own shoulder blades he starts nipping and licking instead of kissing and sucking.

He can feel Jared growing harder under him. He holds himself stiff, so Jared can grind up into him, but he never does. Apparently, Jared is a creature of restraint. "I've always wanted to do this," he breathes between nips of hot flesh. It has the desired outcome. Jared moans and instinctively rolls his hips up. As soon as he's met with Jensen's hard body, he moans again.

Jensen pulls back slightly, just to get a look at Jared. His head is thrown back, hair falling into its natural part, eyes hooded, and mouth parted. A lightning bolt shoots straight to his dick, and he nearly growls with its impact. Jared is completely oblivious; lost in his own sea of pleasure.

Jared comes to with a hot mouth wrapped tightly around his cock. Some logical part of his brain knows he should question it, but the feeling is just too exquisite to deny. He reflexively rolls his hips, forcing the mouth to take him deeper. The wet tight heat accommodates, and moves in time with his thrusts. 

Vocal cords moan around him, and he shakes with it. "Ahhhhh," he moans out into the darkness.

Hands grip his sides and fingers flex. He feels the hands pushing him ever so deeper into the moist heat. Then the mouth is gone, he whines for it to return. 

Jensen's voice filters through the darkness, "So beautiful....I knew you would be." 

"Jen, oh thank....Jen, more please," 

Jensen swallows him down slow, savoring Jared's whines and pleas all the way down. He brings a hand over to tug lightly at Jared's balls. He savors in feeling them tighten and draw up. He chooses that exact moment to nestle Jared back in his throat and moan again. He's rutting against the floor as he bobs his head against Jared's thrusts that are gradually coming harder and faster. 

"Oh god, right there." Jared lashes out in the darkness, trying to warn Jensen. 

Jensen just takes Jared down as far as he can and swallows his release. He tires his best to work Jared through the aftershocks. His whole body is shaking with them, and he's just too sensitive. 

Jared rubs at the side of Jensen's face as he comes down from the high. He tries to pull Jensen's face closer to his as he lays down, but Jensen turns his head away. He can't kiss Jared--like ever. Kissing is reserved for couples only, and this....no matter how bad he wanted it at one point in time....isn't a couples thing. It's a sex thing. That's all. 

"I wanna taste me on you," Jared begs as Jensen pulls from his hold.

"Maybe some other time," _Like never_ , Jensen placates. 

Jared runs a hand down Jensen's abdomen to get a hold of the erection he _knows_ is waiting for him. He'll get Jensen to kiss him one way or the other. But when he gets there, there's no hardness, only a gooey mess. Jensen jerks, and Jared stifles a laugh. "You just came from blowing me?" 

"Well, I'd thought about it long enough, and you said no holding back.....so....." Jensen explains, grateful the light isn't on. 

"So that's what you were jerking off to in the shower all those times?" 

"You knew about that?" Jensen doesn't hide his disbelief. He had always been so careful....but then again....Jared was always invading his privacy in those days. 

"Oh yea, what do you think I got myself off to? Man....Just thinking about the look on your face, and how your knees would buckle," Jared realizes that's maybe an overshare...."I would always walk in right after just to see the freshly fucked out look on your face." 

"God you perv..." Jensen doesn't know whether to be flattered or weirded out. 

"You have no idea," He says, because really? Jensen doesn't. "So, tell me what were you really thinking about all those times?" He means for it to come out a command....but a question comes out instead.

"Maybe some other time," Jensen yawns, eager to get to sleep.

Jared doesn't push for more and Jensen doesn't offer. Jensen's too busy trying to drift off and Jared's got his mind working full time trying to find a way to get Jensen exactly where he wants him--mind and body. His body may be curled up next to Jared, but Jensen's heart and mind are elsewhere. _This just won't do._


	17. Mind Your Own Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared tries to get some preliminary planning out of the way and then he and Chris have a slight heart to heart; kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No smut in this update to speak of really. More like a few plot points only.

Jared uses the time Jensen's resting comfortably next to him to clean him properly and pepper him with a few light kisses. He settles in next to him and lightly dozes, his mind still contemplating on a way to bring about his desired outcome. Sleeping on such daunting things allows him to open his mind up to new perspectives. Sometimes it can also shine a light on things he had missed before. Like Jensen saying he'd been lonely too long. It's true. That's the only way Jared can logically reason Jensen coming untouched. Sure, he may have had some vivid fantasy so many years ago, but could that really have been all there was to it?

Jared rubs an open palm to Jensen's cheek, he instinctively presses his face deeper into it. _Indeed_ , Jensen has been ignoring his body's needs for far too long. Jared's not sure what to do what to do with that information. It would be outright cruel to use it against him, but then again Jensen shouldn't need to suffer so long as Jared's around. _Right?_ Right! Well, at least not wrong.

Jensen stirs and then shifts restlessly as he wakes. Jared reflexively pulls him back before remembering to loosen his grip, "Where ya goin'?"

"Uh...Bathroom," Jensen responds; not so casually, and kinda forced. 

Jared releases his hold immediately, "Sorry man. Don't let me stop ya." 

Jensen pauses, reluctantly willing himself up so he can go clean himself off in the bathroom. Once he finds his footing, he's out the door, down the hall, and behind the bathroom door without another moment's hesitation. Jared lays there a moment debating on making coffee or shedding his remaining clothes and waiting for Jensen to return. In the end, coffee wins. Everyone else is fast asleep, so it's the perfect time to sneak some of Misha's. It's probably a good idea to give Jensen some space anyway. He brews a whole pot, just in case Jensen comes to seek him out. He goes back sometime later to grab his laptop. Jensen's still not made his way out of the bathroom. _Probably freaking out again_ , Jared reasons with himself. He could go after him, try to calm him down, but it just doesn't seem like the right time.

Jensen did flip out at first when he realized there was no mess to clean up. He's not foolish enough to believe it could have all been just another lucid dream. He works his nerves the best he can to go back down the hall and face Jared. Nothing seems to help until he remembers _why_ he went down on Jared to begin with. They're even now. Jared has nothing else he can hold over him. Jensen gives a half-smile when he realizes that he now has some semblance of control over any future situations. With a deep inhale he opens the door and tries to make his way back to their shared room, but he still feels his heart fall when he sees that Jared's not in there. The aroma of coffee tickles his nose almost instantly, drawing him further down the hall and into the kitchen. 

That's where he finds Jared sitting with a freshly made cup pouring over the screen on his laptop. Just behind Jared, he can see there is a half a pot left. _He's been here a while._

Jared raises his eyes at Jensen and tips his cup in a silent offer, not thinking in a million years Jensen would actually (willingly) share a cup. Jensen surprises them both when he floats across the small room and places a hand around Jared's cup. 

"Careful," Jared tells him as he releases it, "I put a nip of whiskey in it." 

Jensen's eyes bulge as a he takes a huge gulp. Then he swallows, glaring at Jared as if he'd just peed in the cup before handing it over. 

Jared's eyes brighten and he smiles, "I did try to warn you." 

"You've had whiskey on you this whole time, and you never offered any?" He asks incredulous. 

"It helps me think, sometimes. I don't drink it all the time or even everyday. Just when the stress gets to me." He explains as he stands. "I'll make you a cup of your own. Didn't realize you'd developed a habit." 

"Yea, well, I want more than a nip," Jensen tells him. For some reason his tone is all warning, but neither the coffee nor the whiskey are his to claim. 

Jared hands a filled cup to him, and Jensen takes a seat at the table opposite him. He tentatively takes a sip, and states what should be the obvious, "You and Misha are pretty close then."

"Close enough, why?" Jared's almost sure he knows where this line of questioning is going to lead, but with Jensen he has to be absolute.

"You can take his coffee whenever you feel like. He bitches at anyone else for just eyeing his precious coffee."

Jared gives a half laugh, "Yea well, the generous salary I provide affords him this. There isn't too much he can say about me helping myself every now and then is there?"

"What exactly _does_ he do for you anyway?" Jensen doesn't bother hiding his snark, "I mean, with such a 'generous' salary, he must be doing something real special."

Jared swore he'd given up games a long time ago, but where Jensen's concerned it's just too easy. "He's a personal assistant; helps out with _anything_ I may need." The line's delivered with a small smile playing at his lips. 

"Such as," Jensen's voice is dead serious and his eyes are shooting daggers across the small distance to Jared.

 _He really wants to hear me say it,_ Jared can't wrap his mind around how far, how fast this whole conversation has gone off the rails. He can't say anything here that's going to bode well for him; or Misha for that matter. It's not like any of this is true. Jensen's obviously baiting him and obviously jealous. The daggers Jensen's aiming in direction are laced with it. "Ya know, grown up personal stuff that such an assistant would help with. If you really need all the juicy details, why not ask him yourself? You know I never kiss and tell Jen." He smirks and throws a wink to Jensen.

Jensen knows he doesn't have any right to be angry. He holds no claim on Jared either. He's a grown man and can fuck around with whomever he chooses. This logic doesn't wipe the stern expression from his face or the pain from his heart. Jared has obviously taken better care of himself than Jensen has in all this time. Jensen can't really fault him for that as much as he'd like to. 

Jared notices his unease over the stillness that has now filtered through their small space. He slides his laptop around, "You wanna help with this, or...?"

Jensen pulls the computer closer, "Sure I'll take a look."

On the screen in front him he sees Jared's notes that have been gathered since before their initial days together as well as the most recent articles and images that Jensen had received on his own desk. There are also handwritten notes in the background, which Jensen assumes are entries from Jared's personal journal. "This is vast. Where do you suggest we begin?"

"That depends on how much ground equipment we have for comms and navigation. I believe breaking off into teams and going in from different angles will give us the best advantage." Jared finishes off the remainder of his cup.

Jensen leans in to eye a particular image a little closer, "How many teams would you recommend? I mean, three would be ideal, but two would be more feasible."

"It would be ideal to have a base set up closer to the actual site. Or at least closer to where we believe the site to be." Jared takes his and Jensen's empty mugs and prepares the last of the coffee. 

"That whole area could be a dead zone for all we know. If we run into trouble, we'll be all on our own." Not that Jensen has a problem with that. He's pretty resourceful, but he's not sure how resourceful Jared and his own team are.

Jared returns with their mugs and catches a glimpse of the image Jensen has pulled up, "All we are basing this on is rumors anyway. I think it's best to assume that the 'dead zone' is an accurate description of this area. I don't think it's going to make a difference one way or the other. So long as we can at least maintain contact with everyone else in the group, I believe we'll be fine." 

Jensen takes a sip of his drink and splutters, "You made it stronger this time. What gives Padalecki?"

Jared pats Jensen on the shoulder, "Just loosen up alright. It's not like I'm trying to liquor you up so I can take advantage. Here's the same shot from a different angle, give it a looksee."

Jensen tries to pull away from Jared, but he can only move so far. "Oh no, we wouldn't want your PA getting all POed." He eyes the image Jared pulls up anyway. 

"You almost sound jealous, Jen." Jared mocks, sounding genuinely surprised.

Jensen grits his teeth, can't help it. "What am I looking at here?"

"It's the same shot from a completely different angle. See how the shadows play across the landscape?"

"City of seven hills," Jensen's voice is barely above a whisper. 

"Exactly," Jared releases his hold on Jensen's shoulder with a squeeze. "This is the image we work with. Me and Chad can come in from this side here, while you and..." 

"Yea, y'all go way back too." Jensen blurts from nowhere, remembering the sweet pet names they'd given one another.

"You can talk to him too. Go ahead and ask him for steamy details. See how far that gets you. Are you listening to me or not?" Jared's growing a bit tired of the whole 'jealous Jensen' routine. He just wants to have an idea formulated for when everyone else wakes. It'll still be another half day before they can set out. 

"I hear you. You're not pairing me off with anyone. I can go by my damn self." Jensen pushes the chair back with so much force it makes a racket as it skids across the floor. He's storms as quietly as he can back to their shared bedroom and closes the door, wishing the damn thing had a lock. 

Jared lets out a deep breath and remembers how giving Jensen liquor was probably a bad idea. He'd had hopes of loosening him up, but with Jensen drawn so tight it's no wonder his mind kept wandering. Jared never fooled around with those he worked with; Misha and Chad were no exception. Jensen was the only one, but he refused to stroke the other man's ego anymore tonight/this morning. 

Instead of running after Jensen he stayed in front of his laptop debating on setting Jensen off on his own or with Felicia as he originally planned. Of course, he would love to be the one to accompany Jensen, but he knew the best thing for them and their crew was distance and space between them. 

Sunrise and Chris find him still sitting at the table running through notes on local myths and legends. Some of which he'd been able to discount right away. There was no geological trace of any volcanic activity here. Fire giants were out of the question. That didn't necessarily dismiss all giant races though; just made the idea of some pissed off protector fire giant seem downright ridiculous. What a lot of people fail to realize is that once you go so far back in time, you're not really dealing with fact anymore. You need to look into myths and legends for details. Jared's spent more of his career looking through mythologies than he has histories. History is always recorded and documented by the winners. The other side never really gets told, and if it _is_ told--it's discounted as myth. 

"You had a late night," Chris mentions as he heads to the coffee pot. 

"More like an early morning," Jared greets. 

"Hmm, must of have been Jensen that had the late night then." Chris turns to face Jared as he sits down. "Do me a favor, and just leave him in better shape than he was when you found him." 

Jared freezes and looks to Chris, "I don't intend on 'leaving' him, but I am trying to put him in better shape."

"That's his choice, ain't it?" Chris takes a sip of Misha's coffee, still eyeing Jared speculatively. 

Jared nods ever so slightly, "Sure it is, but it's also my business. Is it not?"

"Jensen's welfare is my business. I haven't been able to put him back together since I found him in the broken heap you left him in." 

"You care an awful a lot about your very good friend," Jared's tone isn't jealous or accusatory. He waits for Chris' nod before continuing, "Just don't go makin' the mistake that you're the only one here who does. Mind your own business Kane, and leave Jensen to me."

"See, that's not gonna happen. I don't care how 'well intentioned' you believe yourself to be. I know the closer he gets to you, the more messed up he's gonna be after all this is over. It's nothing personal I assure you, but when you break what's left of him, I'm going to break your face." Chris smiles and tips the side of his head to Jared as he stands. 

Jared wishes more than anything Jensen was within earshot right now so he can tell him to kindly call off his dog. A small part of him begins to think that no matter what he does, Jensen will be more screwed up after all this is said and done, and that's a chance he can't take. It's not because he's afraid of Chris breaking his face, it's because there's a slight possibility Chris is right, no matter how well his intentions are he will fail. Jared doesn't want to take that chance.


	18. Splitting up

Jensen used his time wisely when he'd returned to their shared room. He rummaged through _all_ of Jared's personal belongings looking for anything and everything that seemed out of place, or might provide valuable insight. In fact, he was looking for more of the good stuff. The liquid that granted him strength and courage. Surely, Jared wouldn't have had just one slightly empty liquor bottle. Surely not...

What Jensen found wasn't what he'd intended to find and it certainly wasn't alcohol. The stash of condoms, lube, and a cock ring only confirmed Jensen's suspicions that he was fucking around with Chad or Misha or both. It made his stomach twist violently because Jared had also fooled around with him too; like it was all some kind of sick game. What twisted him up the most was that he actually wanted to be the only one. He knew he had no right to lay any kind of claim to Jared, and he certainly didn't have the right to be telling him who he could and couldn't fool around with, but it didn't stop him from _wanting_ it to be him. 

He remembered what Jared had said about getting him drunk and taking advantage of him. He wanted that too. He probably shouldn't dwell too much on that now though. It's wise to rest while he can, here in the comfort of solid shelter. He throws Jared's belongings back into his bag haphazardly, and turns to find away to make himself comfortable on the floor. As much as he tries, and as much as he turns, sleep won't find him. He's first haunted with images of Jared being intimate with someone else-some faceless person. Then he's haunted by Jared's presence that isn't there curled up behind him. 

He wants to leave the sanctuary of their room, but refuses to be the one to crawl. It's another hour before Jared comes back to charge his laptop. Jensen pretends to be sleeping when Jared lays down next to him, but not too close. He's laying on his back, as though he's watching the blank ceiling. Jensen decidedly doesn't nudge closer to him, irregardless of how badly he aches to.

It's another hour before there's a knock on the door and Felicia's voice is heard, "Breakfast time, C'mon..Up and at 'em you two!"

Neither of them move. "Go ahead, I'm not hungry." Jared nudges. 

Jensen doesn't stir. 

"I know you're not asleep. Go on, get you something to eat." 

Jensen turns to face Jared, "I'm not hungry either. I'm still thirsty," he half smirks. 

"Geeze, when exactly did you become such a drinker?" 

"After you," the words are whispered, and Jensen has a feeling he doesn't need to continue. 

"And I've still got you all tore up now, huh?" Jared eyes him carefully, waiting for a response. 

"Don't flatter yourself, I was tore up before all this happened." Jensen's speaking into a pillow now; his voice kind of muffled. 

The longing Jared feels threatens to tear him into. He wants nothing more than to reach out and touch, soothe, comfort, anything. There's an ache in his chest he doesn't know how to alleviate, so he does the only thing he can do. "What can I do to help?" He pauses and then adds, "Besides supply you with more booze-that's not gonna happen."

Jensen looks to Jared and debates on what to say next. It's not like the balls in his court or anything, but what he says should have some bearing on what happens from here, "Just leave me a lone then. I'll deal with it in my own way and time. I don't need anymore _help_ from you." 

"Fine," Jared shouldn't have expected anything less, not really. "They're bound to come back looking for us, if we don't show up for breakfast." 

"Let them," Jensen replies easily and then is struck by what seems to be the perfect plan, well part of one at any rate. "What do I care?"

"Not that you should, but I do worry what'll happen to me when Chris sees you missing from breakfast." Jared has a slight snark in his tone. 

"I'm not fucking him, so again, why do I care?" 

Jared snorts a laugh, "I know you're not fucking him, geez! What are we? 12?"

Before he can roll over or try to get up, Jensen is directly on top of him, straddling him. Jared takes it in stride as he beams up to Jensen. "All I was saying is he's threatened to break my face should anything else happen to you. While I'm not so worried about my face, I am worried about your well being. I think it's best you let me up now." 

Jensen smirks and breaks Jared's hold on him, "What's the matter, you afraid Misha will come looking? You don't want him to see?"

Jared relinquishes his hold on Jensen's arms easy enough, but not the hold he has on his hips. "There's nothing going on between us. or anyone else for that matter." 

"What about us then?" Jensen's voice cracks slightly as he speaks. 

Jared refrains from rolling his hips up, the grip he has on Jensen is sure to bruise. He grits out his next words, "That's up to you Jen..Sen.."

 _I wanna be the only one!_ his mind screams, but before he can manage any actual words the door flies open and Chad's head is sticking in through the crack, "Break...ohh...sorry." Like that he's gone, and then a few seconds later laughter can be heard from the main room. 

Jared refuses to break his hold. "Let me go," Jensen tries to pull away.

"Fine, but first, a word of advice. I'm here. Whenever you're ready, I'm here. Even if you're never ready, I'll still be here. Strings or no strings, whatever you want." Jared does his best to sound sincere, not pushing nor demanding. He just wants to throw whatever kind of offer out there for Jensen to have. He can think it over or dismiss it completely. It doesn't matter. The words are out and that's all that matters now. 

Jensen tries to pull himself free again, "Great, good deal, can I go now?" 

"I do believe he said to let him go." Chris warns from the still open door.

Jared releases the hold all together and rolls to stand. Jensen doesn't waste anytime brushing past Chris on his way out. 

"Remember what I said," Chris warns as he turns to leave Jared with his thoughts. 

 

************************************************************************************************

 

Jensen sits quietly in front of a plate full of food. He's not hungry. His mind's reeling with Jared's words. He's relentlessly trying to pull Jensen back in and Jensen can feel his resolve crumbling every time he's in Jared's general proximity. He can't figure out for the life of him why Jared can't just let this go. He can have his pick of anyone he wants; guys and girls alike, but whatever reason he's hung up on Jensen now. Like he's some kind of flavor of the week. All that stuff he found in Jared's things couldn't have been put there for him. There's just no way. 

_Like a dog with a bone or an over eager puppy,_ Jensen remembers the way Jared used to obsess over whatever caught his eye before. _Maybe he just wants what he knows he can't have?_ Jensen's still having a hard time reconciling Jared's words with his actions. He's always been socially inept, and he reasons that's how Jared took advantage of him the first time. 

"Are you gonna eat that?" Misha's voice breaks into his thoughts, and just out of spite Jensen lifts the piece of bacon off his plate, in front of Misha's face, and to his own mouth.

"It's mine, and you can't have it," he says around bites. 

"Glad to see you finally eating something," Misha says as he goes back to his own food, "Would you like some coffee?" 

"Shove it up your ass," Jensen bites out as he stands, "I don't want your damned coffee." 

"Is that anyway to react to my generous offer?" Misha sounds put off and offended by the hateful words. 

Jensen flashes him a million dollar smile that reaches his eyes, "I've already had some, thanks." He waits around to see Misha slowly lower the pot back to the table with a dazed expression before he goes back to his room to find his notes and retrieve some fresh clothes.

Luckily Jared isn't in there when he returns. He changes from his clothes and grabs his notes without incident. Jensen isn't the type to keep his all backed up on an electronic device. He finds that penning them out by hand and reviewing them frequently are the best way to keep them in his mind. He goes outside to find a calm, quiet place to think away from all the chatter in their small shelter. 

Upon reviewing his notes, he decides that the southern entrance is probably his best bet at reaching Matakah first. He will go it alone not only because he needs some processing time, but also because he works best alone. Chris probably won't like the idea, but he'll have to get over it. He debates on leaving Jared's watch somewhere it won't be missed before taking off, but decides against it. If worst comes to worst, it may be the only means his team will have of finding him. He can also take one of the extra two way radios his team brought. He's absolutely certain the surrounding area is a dead-zone, but in the rare event he's wrong at least he'll have some means of communication. 

*******************************************************************************

Jensen, the weasel he is, went through Jared's things while he wasn't looking. That was low, even for Jensen. Jared's not upset because he was hiding anything, but he's pissed as hell Jensen had the audacity to pilfer though his belongings without cause. He intends on finding out exactly what Jensen was looking for and if he found it, but he can't find Jensen anywhere. No one else has seen him since he left his breakfast uneaten, and Misha refuses to say anything on the matter. 

Everyone was adamant that Jensen neither said nor did anything out of the ordinary except leave behind an uneaten plate of food. _He's an enigma rolled inside an enigma_ , Jared reasons. He can't very well go asking the one person who seems to know Jensen best right now. He's pretty sure Chris wouldn't appreciate the gesture. He couldn't possibly have anything positive to say about walking in on Jensen straddling him this morning and Jared holding him by the hips firmly in place. 

Jared shudders at the memory and longs for the day he can place hands on Jensen without having to ever let go. _Gotta find him first,_ his mind taunts. Then it goes through the list of other things they need to take care of before any of that can manifest. _There's Matakah,_ which doesn't seem as important as it once did. _Then there's the excavation process,_ Jared isn't nearly as excited about. _Oh yea, don't forget the research articles you'll need to publish_. Jared visibly frowns at thin air. All this would be so much easier if Jensen were at his side already instead of fighting him every step of the way. Then he goes and vanishes. _Probably needs the space_ , Jared assures himself. 

He shakes it off. If Jensen needs space, Jared has no choice but to take a step back and let him have it. He's all but given up on finding Jensen when he goes back to their room and sees Jensen packing up a small bag of belongings and a larger backpack full of gear. 

"Going somewhere?" He asks, relieved to have finally found him, but nervous at seeing him ready to depart. 

"Uh yea, figured it best to get an early start. Scope the place out a bit." 

Jared nods, "You wanna go ahead and leave, I won't stop you. At least let the team know where you're going and what path you plan on taking." 

Jensen visibly relaxes, "I plan on entering from the southern plane. I've got a small two way radio just in case and all sorts of ground equipment should there be any unexpected activity." 

"You've packed weapons," Jared shouldn't even have to ask. 

"Yea," Jensen turns to the side slightly to show off his assortment of hunting knives. There's also a machete attached to one of his belt loops and a small hatchet on the other side. 

"And you're sure you wanna go it alone," Jared can't help but ask, "Cause I could," 

Jensen throws up a hand to silence him. "I don't need you or anyone else baby sitting me. I'm quite capable of handling this on my own." 

"That's not..Look. This isn't the desert and it's hardly Valley of the Kings. An extra set of eyes and hands couldn't hurt. That's all I'm sayin". Jared has his hands placed outward in a placating manner. 

"I don't need _your_ eyes or hands anywhere near me. You've done enough thanks." 

"I was going to get Felicia to accompany you," Jared explains, "I know _my_ presence isn't wanted. I can live that."

"Don't," Jensen says as he moves past Jared. 

"Don't what?" Jared asks, voice full of confusion. 

"Drag her into whatever this," Jensen motions between the two of them, "is." 

Jared blocks Jensen's path through the door. "This is you being stubborn and fool headed. If I wanted to set off on my own, would you be okay with that?" 

Jensen rolls his eyes and snorts, "UH yea, why wouldn't I be? You're a big boy, right? You can take care of yourself, can't ya?"

Jared looks as though he wants to cry, but his eyes won't even water. He refuses to show any sign of weakness or anymore concern. He steps aside as he speaks, "Yea, fine, go ahead. But when you end up ass deep in trouble, don't say you weren't warned." He catches Jensen's shoulder as he passes, "You be sure and tell your guard dog where you're taking off to and why. I'm not taking the blame for this. And when you end up hurt, don't expect me to coming rushing to your aid cause I'll kill ya."

"Oh Jare, I didn't know you cared," Jensen bats his eyes, "Don't worry, I'm going to address the rest of the team now."

************************************************************

It doesn't go over as well as Jensen had hoped. It seems his team and Jared's to boot would label him incompetent, inadequate, or just plain inexperienced. He's not deterred though. Not even when they all hold a vote and no one thinks it's a good idea to break off into smaller teams. Even Jared, who had said it would allow them to cover more ground, would rather stay as one huge team than let Jensen go off on his own. 

It doesn't stop Jensen from embarking on this quest though, how could it? He would have happily taken Jared alongside him if he didn't need so much space from him right now. He needed time to think. He's already processed the past couple days, now he intends on taking his time figuring out how he feels about it. A nice long walk through the woodlands of nowhere is just what he needs to feel his feelings. 

Chris, Felicia, Chad, and Misha decide to stick together as close as possible. They're going in directly from the East, which means they'll need to travel slightly South to arrive dead center. Jared hangs back for quite some time before deciding on his own course of action. None of this is what he had in mind, but it's what he's stuck with now. He packs up most of his gear before he sets out to a point no where in particular when he realizes some of his things are missing. Apparently Jensen just had a desperate need to take all of the condoms he had, but he decided to leave the cock ring and lube. The last of his whiskey supply is also missing. It's a good thing Jared's not a child because if Jared were a child, he'd move heaven and Earth just to kick Jensen's ass for being so blatantly childish.


	19. Should I Stay? Or Should I Go?

A day alone in the jungle did Jensen good. It's not until night settles in and he's building a fire that loneliness starts creeping in. He heats some of Chris' premade chili over the fire and breaks out Jared's bottle. He smirks to himself picturing the look on Jared's face when he realizes it's gone. He gives a salute to some unseen force, a stroke of genius really, as he remembers scattering the unused (but ruined) condoms through the jungle. Bad for nature yes, but good for Jensen's mind. 

He's lit enough to admit that he does in fact want to sleep with Jared. He wants to fool himself into believing it would just be a one time thing, but he's still far too sober for that. Once he has Jared fully, he'll never let go. The reasonable part of his mind realizes that, and that's why Jared's not with him right now. When this is all said and done though, when Matakah and all of its secrets have been unearthed, then he can focus on Jared and on rebuilding any relationship they may have. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.

He lays back in the darkness and looks up at the stars. He idly wonders what Jared's doing right now; if he's looking at those same stars or if he's going over his notes again. It doesn't strike him as odd that he's not thinking about any other. The rest are so predictable. He's been in the field with them before, well except for Misha and Chad. Frankly, Jensen would prefer if they'd never showed up. Part of him is still jealous because they're so close to Jared when he just can't be. They have what he so desperately wants right now, but he'll never admit it aloud. The other, more reasonable, part of him knows that it couldn't have been any other way. They need a whole team; not a piece of one. 

He doesn't bother dousing the fire or pitching a tent. Part of him hopes something will come at him in the night, give him the opportunity to fight-to kill, anything to release this pent up anger and frustration on something. He wants to unleash it on Jared, its intended target, but he knows Jared probably wouldn't fight back. He hadn't bothered to the last time Jensen hit him. He'd treated him with nothing but kindness and affection, and when you're purposefully looking for a fight that just won't do.

Jensen's body tingles thinking of how Jared could get rough, if he really wanted. He's too toned to be submissive, but Jensen's too pissed to submit. _Good times,_ he thinks. He feels his shorts tighten and wonders how he's ever going to make through this trip without enacting every filthy fantasy that's entered into his brain.

**************************************************************************************************

Jared watches from a far for as long as he comfortably can. He wonders a great many things while sitting in the darkness watching the object of his desires. He can't figure out for the life of him why Jensen had felt the need to ruin and scatter a perfectly full unused unopened pack of condoms through the dense jungle. He doesn't know what Jensen was hoping to accomplish by stealing them or the whiskey. He wants to know what Jensen's thinking, but can't tell just by looking at him. His face in the fire light doesn't give anything away. Jared wants to bitch and fuss, not only about the littering but also about leaving the fire open and unattended. Jensen didn't pitch a tent either, which means he's asking for trouble. 

Jared didn't mean to follow him. It just kinda happened that way. He'd hit a spot where his compass stopped working all together. It just kept spinning in a never ending circle. His watch kept sending him the same repeated coordinates. He'd heard about such things occurring where the Earth's magnetic field is weaker, but he'd never heard of it happening in this area. It makes him wonder if it's related to the dead-zone, but he's not supposed to be anywhere near it just yet. 

So, he's wandering along the best he can manage in a straight line when he starts coming across condoms--his condoms. He doesn't even know why he brought them to begin with. Maybe it was his inner boy scout always wanting to be prepared. He never dreamed he'd be able to use them on Jensen or that Jensen would ever find them much less scatter them about for the whole world to see. He goes from being slightly amused to pissed as hell once he realizes the box has been emptied and the perfectly good condoms were cut into and then discarded. He picks up the trash along his way and vows to have a serious talk with Jensen when he finds him. 

But when he finds him, he can't approach him. Jensen looks so peaceful and at ease, Jared doesn't want to ruin it for him. He appears truly happy being out here in the wilderness by himself. He's making a fire and heating food, so Jared settles in to watch him. His stolen flask appears during Jensen's meal, and Jared finds he's angry all over again. What right does Jensen have to go through his stuff and take it as his own? Jared's about to say, 'enough,' when Jensen gives a long winded sigh and lays back with Jared's name on his lips. He remembers why he doesn't want to disturb him. 

When he's sure Jensen's drifted off, he helps himself to the leftovers and a shot of his whiskey. He leaves everything else just as he finds it, and moves further into the darkness to power on his laptop and check on Felicia and the others. 

He's happy to find they've all made just about as much progress as he and Jensen. He assures Chris that he's unintentionally kept a close eye on Jensen, but he's still maintaining his space. Chris looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn't. He gives a nod and let's Misha back in front of the camera. "How much longer?" Misha asks. 

"I'm not sure. If your coordinates are going whacky too, that's a good sign we're on the right track. I guess. Just be careful not to be turned around. I tried tracking the watch that Felicia's wearing, but it's not shown any movement since we left out this morning. Look to the stars and keep a close eye on them. Remember to douse your fires and keep safe." It's not much as far as navigational or survival advice goes, but it's the best Jared can offer.

"10-4" Chad tells him, "We've got this under control. Just keep an eye out for anything strange and unusual. Don't forget to drop a dime when you find it." 

Jared wants to point out he's seen enough strange and unusual from Jensen alone, but with Chris so close in earshot it's probably not a good idea, "Will do." 

He powers his laptop off without another word, needing to conserve battery life. He's got a spare fully charged and ready to go, but he has no way of knowing how long he'll be out here, and like always he wants to be prepared for anything. 

He pitches a tent in the cover of darkness under the canopy, but vows to keep an ear out throughout the night just in case. He's still close enough, he's sure to hear Jensen when the inevitable happens. 

*******************************************************************

A few hours later, like clockwork there's a shout. Jared jerks upright and takes only a brief second to catch his wits before setting off in Jensen's direction. 

Jensen's underneath some huge wild cat when Jared finds him. He'd had just enough presence of mind to pull his hunting knife before the thing pinned him. Jared attempted to create a massive racket in hopes of scaring the thing off, but that only turned its sights on him which drew a yell from Jensen.

Jared desperately has his massive hands wrapped around the things neck and squeezing for dear life as it seems intent on clawing its way into his chest. Jensen stabs at it from behind and a carefully aimed clawed paw finds its way to Jared's left collarbone and right peck before it takes off back into the darkness from which it came. Jared hits the ground with a 'whooosh', and Jensen knows he should be taking off after it, but yelling at Jared seems more important at the moment. 

"What the hell were you thinking, you coulda got yourself killed," he wipes the blood from the knife on his shorts. As an afterthought he adds, "You coulda got _me_ killed."

" _You_ coulda got your ownself killed sleeping out here in the open like that," Jared doesn't bother trying to stand. His shoulder and chest are on fire. He's not sure how deep the cuts are, but they're deep enough to create a lot of blood. Looking at Jensen tells him he's not going to be any help, so Jared takes his right arm and presses a hand to his wound the best he can. 

"I had everything under control," Jensen reassures him snappily, pulling his shirt over his head and falling to his knees. "I don't need you or anyone else coming to my rescue." He looks around while wrapping the shirt the best he can around Jared's open wound. He would ask were everyone else is, but that's not what's important right now. "Did you bring a first aid kit?" 

Jared nods weakly, "Yea about 300 feet...that direction," his head lulls from losing so much blood so fast. It encourages Jensen to apply more pressure. He crosses Jared's form and links the other arm around his neck. "On three," 

Jared shakes his head, "M'not going anywhere." 

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm not leaving you here." Jensen's voice sounds almost pained, but Jared can't figure out why. "Is anyone else out here with you?" 

"Just you an' me," Jared gives a half-smile and a dazed unfocused look up to Jensen. 

Jensen brings his forehead to rest on Jared's, his hand still applying as much pressure as it can. He uses his other hand to guide Jared's hand to the wound. He places it directly over top of where it needs to be and presses it down hard. He presses his lips to Jared's forehead with almost as much pressure are he speaks, "Stay here then. I'll go find it myself and then patch you up when I get back." He pushes in on the wound for emphasis, "Keep the pressure applied, okay? Can you do that, for me?" He pulls his face back enough to catch Jared's eyes. "Jare," he questions.

Jared's expression tries to clear, "Yea, sure Jen. Whatever you say," then it clouds over again. 

Jensen releases a curse under his breath as he tries to determine which direction Jared came from. He glances at his compass, but the damned thing's busted. 

Jared's not sure where Jensen took off too, or why he was so upset. Then he remembers that Jensen didn't want to see him, didn't want them to be out here together and he tries to stand. It's futile. He falls back against the tree, and remembers that he is hurt. But if he's hurt, why did Jensen leave? _Didn't he say something about a first aid kit?_ Jared tries really hard but can't remember. Everything else starts going fuzzy too. He can't remember exactly where he is or why he's out here to begin with. Darkness is threatening to envelop him, when a voice cuts through it. 

"Hey, you gotta wake up. Talk to me," It's Jensen's voice, and it wants him to talk. "Wake up for me, Jare." It wants him to wake up? _Nah. That can't be right_. 

"Jare, please," Jensen tries again as he pours more liquor into the wound. He's got the bleeding stopped. All he needs to do now is finish the stitching and dress it. He'd feel a hell of a lot better if Jared would just wake up or say something. He moves the hair from Jared's face again, "You gotta talk to me man." 

"What'd you want me say," Jared's voice doesn't sit right with Jensen. It's weak yes, Jensen's expecting that, but it's pained not strained. It's saddened, defeated almost. Nonetheless it's a voice and Jensen will take the win. 

"You can say whatever you like, so long as you talk. Just talk." Jensen keeps his own tone steady as he goes back to work on the wound. 

"Ruined my condoms," is all Jared can muster at first, and then, "Stole my liquor." 

Jensen smiles and looks for something in the kit to dress the wound, "I've used most of that liquor cleaning this wound up for ya. We don't need it getting infected." He finds the gauze and returns to work. "As for the condoms...Well, what can I say? I don't know why you brought them all the way out here, but I've decided I didn't want you using them. I don't even wanna _think_ about you using them, or who you might be using them on." 

He leans back to admire his work. Jared's still got his head against the trunk of the tree. His eyes are closed but his mouth is twitching like he wants to say something else. 

"Now, I don't have to think about it," Jensen assures himself, "Cause I know you're not going to be using them."

"You're a douche Jen," Jared inhales sharply, "I brought them for _your_ protection, not mine."

Jensen's taken aback. He eyes Jared more carefully than before while he works on constructing his tent. "So what, you found out we'd be working together and decided I would be an easy lay?"

Jared lets a small laugh escape, "Oh no, dear Jen. I _knew_ we'd be working together." He smiles brightly to himself, his eyes still resting lightly closed. "I planned it that way."

Jensen's breath leaves him. The tent pieces fall from his hands, "You....planned....it...that way?" He repeats the words slower, just to make sure he heard them right. 

"Oh yea, did some low down and dirty shit to make it happen too." Jared laughs to himself harder as he falls to his left. He moves to curl up like he's going to drift of to sleep. 

Jensen crosses the distance between them, trying to pull him upright, "Hey, you can't check out on me now. We're talking remember?"

"M'tired Jen." Jared mumbles, "Talk later." 

Jensen looks around frantically for anything that'll help him keep Jared awake. All he can find is a half empty bottle of water. _It'll have to do_ , without taking too much time to think about it, he pours it right in Jared's face. He splutters but his eyes fly open this this time. "We're not done talking, remember?" Jensen calmly prompts.

"Yea," Jared nods slowly. Jensen waits for realization to dawn. It doesn't. 

"I'm making us a shelter for the night. Try to stay awake and talk to me. You shouldn't be drifting off right now, okay?"

Jensen sounds concerned and Jared isn't sure why. "What were we talking about?" 

"Working together," Jensen reminds him as he goes back to putting the tent together. 

"Yea I probably make for this shittiest teammate ever," Jared looks down to his shoulder and remembers what the problem is. "Damn," 

"I wouldn't say the shittiest, but surely the dumbest. Did you really think jumping at a wild beast was a good idea?" 

"I had to draw it away from you. I didn't want you to get hurt, and I didn't want you to kill it." Jared tries to explain his reasoning. 

Jensen smiles as he finishes up, "That would explain why you didn't have a weapon drawn. I was wondering."

"Had I known it was going to take such a massive chunk, I woulda had something in hand." Jared tries to stand, but leans feebly against the tree instead. 

"Enough about that," Jensen tells him reassuringly as he comes to Jared's side to help him, "Tell me more about planning on working with me."

"What'd ya mean?" Jared asks. He lets Jensen lead him across the small space to the tent. 

"You knew we'd be working together," Jensen mentions nonchalantly as he helps Jared into the tent. 

"Did I?" Jared figures he can just play it off. He's not sure what all was said while he was out of it, and he doesn't want to give anything else to Jensen he hasn't already. Jensen's eerily calm. He's handling this too well, Jared figures not much was said. He can just play it off. "Mark called me first is all." 

"Hmm-mmm," Jensen breaks in, "And I assume he told you who you'd be working alongside."

"That's exactly right," Jared confirms as he settles in and gets comfortable. Mindful of his hurt shoulder, he decides to rest on his back. Jensen helps him by placing an extra pillow under his neck for support. Jared doesn't have time to wonder how Jensen's going to sleep before Jensen's climbing on top of him. 

"Jen, what're you doi...," he begins, but Jensen leans in close. 

"That's a nice story. Now tell me about the 'low down dirty shit' you had to pull to get me out here with you." Jensen's voice sounds deadly, and all the color rushes from Jared's face. His lips part, but no sound escapes. It's stuck in the base of his throat. His eyes grow huge as he takes in Jensen's expression. Tears prickle the corners of them. He has no choice, but to come clean. 

"I lied to you okay?" 

Wrong thing to say. Jensen moves an arm across Jared's throat. "Choose your next words carefully." 

Jared gives a jerky nod before continuing. "I didn't outright lie to your face, but I did play you and a few events to my advantage."

The pressure he's applied on Jared's throat doesn't lessen, "I'm not your toy, and the events of my life aren't some cards you can play for your entertainment." 

"I only wanted you to give me another chance," Jared chokes out, not from emotion, but from the force Jensen's using. "I knew you'd neve.."

Jensen pulls back, realizing for the first time just how hard he was pressing. He needs to get off of Jared, but he can't. He's still fuming as he motions for Jared to continue. 

"I couldn't see another way. You'd never talk to me." 

"So you wanna play me? Fine. Why did you have to bring everyone else in on it?" Jensen still doesn't move. 

"Cause we needed a team, and this _is_ an actual expedition." 

"You just wanted to hook up with me while gallivanting through the jungle, is that it?" He doesn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Why didn't you just call me? Why go through all this trouble?"

"Yea Jen, I'll just call you up one random afternoon. Hey, you wanna go grab a coffee or something? How about dinner? Ya know what? Let's skip the formalities all together, just come by my apartment tonight after you wrap at the museum." Jared, too, remains still. He can't move too much on his own anyway, and having Jensen on top of him keeps him from even trying. 

Jensen draws in a deep breath, "I see your point, but Matakah? Really Jared? 

Jared smiles, half hearted, "You couldn't say no, could you?" He keeps his eyes locked with Jensen's.

Jensen bites his tongue. He knows just as well as Jared that he couldn't. "What exactly did you do?" 

Jared's mind flashes back to Mark's yacht, and he squeezes his eyes shut to block the memory. "Something I'm not proud of and choose not to dwell on." He brings a hand to Jensen's arm. "The important thing is you're here with me. Regardless of what happens now or after we return, it was worth it. I've had this time with you, and I'll not trade it for the world." Jensen allows Jared to bring his hand to his mouth for a quick peck. "Sleep now?" he asks. 

Jensen's not happy on so many different levels, but then again: Jared wanted him here. Jared brought everything together just for him. Because of Jared, he may still get to explore Matakah. So while he's not happy, he's not exactly unhappy either. He nods his agreement, "Sleep." He maneuvers from Jared and starts to leave the tent before turning to ask, "Do you need some water?"

"Nah, I'm good." Jared wants to ask Jensen to stay, but has a feeling he wouldn't. He probably wants to be worlds away from Jared right now.

Jensen gathers their equipment together and douses the fire before retreating back into his tent with Jared. He folds his sleeping pack into a pillow, since he gave his only pillow to Jared. He lays down a comfortable distance away, so he's not crowding the other's space. He's just about to drift off when Jared's voice floats through the darkness. 

"You came back," he whispers in disbelief. 

"Of course I did," Jensen reassures him, and then pauses before continuing, "I can't say for sure what I would have done or not done, but I wish you woulda just called me Jare. It woulda been nice to have that choice."

Jared doesn't want to admit it, but he knows Jensen's right. "It was my place to call and apologize, and I'm sorry. I was too afraid you'd make me eat my own hateful words. I'm still afraid you might. I hoped that by offering Matakah as an olive branch, you'd give me another chance. You have the only official copy of our permit. I made sure of that. If it makes you feel any better, you still have a choice." Jared's voice trails off on that last sentence. 

Jared's sacrifice is starting to come full circle now. He'd already offered up all the credit to Jensen for the find, but now he knows the offer was sincere. If he's got the only official copy, that means the expedition is his. Whatever strings Jared had to pull, he had pulled them for Jensen and only Jensen. There wasn't even a guarantee this half-baked plan of his would even work. Jensen could still tell him to go to hell and never look back. Sitting here in the tent with him as everything starts to make sense, he realizes he won't. _I'm afraid you still might._ Jared may believe Jensen has that choice, but Jensen knows he doesn't.

"Can we get this expedition out of the way first? It's like I never even knew you." The Jared he knew would have never given up so much just for Jensen. He'd pushed him away and shut him out over some stupid paper. The Jared of now is willing to walk away from the find of a lifetime just to have another chance with him. 

"You always knew me Jen, just not as well as I had hoped." Jared sounds more awake now, even though he shouldn't.

"Yea," Jensen gives a half-laugh, "I should have known you'd follow me all the way out here. Was I really _that_ easy to track?" 

Jared stifles a laugh, "Yea, between my compass going out on me and all your discarded cut up condoms, you were kinda hard to miss." 

"Yea about that..." Jensen begins. 

"Don't...OK? I get it." Jared assures him. "Just let it go. I have." He draws in another deep breath before continuing. "What I don't get it is why sleep out in the open like that, next to a fire on top of all things?" Jensen's complete disregard for his own safety is something Jared _can't_ let go of so easily. "You coulda ended up with worse than what I got."

Jensen remembers his line of thinking and sporting for a fight, but he can't explain all that to Jared. He'd never get it right. "I wasn't thinking, had too much to drink. You know how it is. Besides, I told you already, I can handle myself." 

Jared knows he's lying just by the tone of voice. He can't comfortably call Jensen on it without actual proof of the truth, so he settles for nonchalance. "Yea, I know how it is. When you're ready with the truth, I'll be here to listen." 

"It's hard to explain, alright?" Jensen's head swims, how can he even begin? "I just feel so angry and pissed off all the time. At you, myself, everything!"

"And you needed an outlet. Is that it?" Jared wants to move to face Jensen, not that it would do any good. They're laying in complete darkness. 

"Something like that," a thought 'clicks' in Jensen's mind. "Is that where all your muscle came from? You were all skin and bone when I knew you." 

Jared's smile is evident in his tone, "Something like that." It's a little closer to the truth than Jared would like to admit, but Jensen doesn't really need _all_ the details. "I could be your outlet," He throws the offer out there and then bites his tongue. He hadn't meant to utter the words out loud.

Jensen smiles, but he's not sure it can be heard in his tone. "I'd like that." _I'd like that a lot actually,_ "But let's get you healed up first, okay?"

"Deal," Jared agrees a little too quickly and enthusiastically. Jensen's heart hums with momentary contentment. 

****************************************

They doze comfortably off an on through the night. The sounds of the surrounding jungle keep them from getting too far gone into sleep land. Jensen maintains his distance from Jared, and Jared keeps his lips firmly sealed. There's still so much between them that remains unsaid, and he can't bury it any longer. It's all there floating in the back of his throat and the front of his mind. When he starts again, he may not be able to stop. It's the middle of the night, and they're all points nowhere, so _now_ really isn't the best time.

Jensen has much he would like to say too, but right now his mind is torn into two trying to decide what he's going to do with an injured Jared. He's afraid of leading Jared any further in the jungle before he's fully healed, but he's definitely not leaving him here. He's not sure how long they can camp here while waiting for Jared to heal, at least somewhat. Calling the rest of the team back wouldn't be a wise choice either. He would have some explaining of his own to do if he went that route. 

In the end he decides that staying here with Jared is the best choice, whatever it may cost him.


	20. Out of Context?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen finally decides to man up and start a move on Jared.  
> Jared struggles with current reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice the above mentioned key word: Start, not Make  
> Jensen doesn't exactly make a move on Jared in this chapter, but he is more outgoing than we've seen thus far. 
> 
> Not sure what Jared's struggling with here. It could be related to the blood loss from the previous chapter, but from what I can tell it seems to be centered around Jensen's sudden change of behavior.

Jared gives a long winded sigh when he realizes a new day has dawned. He's not sure why he feels so dejected. Logically he knows last night couldn't have lasted forever, no matter how much he would have liked for it to. Jensen will be leaving him behind today, and setting off for Matakah. The light of day has shown him that he can't go on, not yet. He'll need to gather herbs and blend a salve for his wound. That's the only surefire way to tamp down infection. His only hope now is that the herbs he needs are close by.

As long as he only goes out during the day and stays huddled during the evening and at night, he should be fine. He doesn't plan on drawing any unwanted attention from whatever other beast may be lurking about. He groans as he positions himself upright, working up the strength to emerge from the tent and gather what he needs. His stomach lets loose with a low growl, but he can't think about food. Not now. The pain in shoulder won't let him. 

Jensen is tending the fire, and appears to be making breakfast. _If you can call it that,_ judging from the smell, it's not going to be too appetizing. He tries to move past without drawing Jensen's attention. It's futile. 

"Where you off to this early?" Jensen moves the pan slightly over the fire and turns the ingredients. Jared realizes then what Jensen's doing, and it isn't breakfast. 

"I was off to gather those," He says as he moves to sit at the fire. 

"Yea, figured I'd make myself useful. I'm still not sure why you can't keep written notes like a normal person." Jensen shifts the pan again. 

"I do keep written notes. I just left them behind." Jared reminds him. 

"Yea well. I found what I needed easy enough. Now, the trick, as I understand it, is to heat these evenly, but not over-heat." He moves to drain the juices and a few herbs into a bowl. 

"That's right, you don't want them turning brown." Jared leans over to view Jensen's handiwork. 

"Now that they're all blended, I'll let them cool while I make us some real food." He sets the bowl to the side in front of Jared, who in turn, moves to gather some of the salve. 

"Oh no you don't," Jensen grabs his hand. "I'll take care of that when it cools. Tell me, whatchya want for breakfast?" 

It's all too surreal. Those who have woken in another dimension sometimes feel this way. Jared decides to test his reality--just to make sure he's actually conscience. He freezes his motions and meets Jensen's eyes. He finds concern, compassion, and a hint of longing there. He blinks back, and looks around. Everything seems normal enough, but something's off with Jensen. He holds back his own emotions before speaking, "What do you have here? I'd brought some dried meat and homemade bread for sandwiches, but not much else."

"I combined our stores while you were out of it last night." He waves an arm around them. "There's no sense in having two camps right on top of each other. I brought some of Chris' leftover soup and chili. There's stuff here to assemble a salad, and oh yea...Granola." Jensen pulls a face, "If you're into that sort of thing." 

Jared smiles up at him, still unsure if this is reality. Jensen definitely doesn't like Granola, so all this _could_ be real. "Whatever you like is fine."

"You need to eat something, keep you're strength up." Jensen rummages through a few bags in search of more food. 

Jared's stomach rumbles again reminding him of his hunger, "I'm not a picky eater. Whatever you were going to have is fine.

Jensen prepares some finger sandwiches out of the homemade bread and dried meat. The eat together in compatible silence. The more Jared eats, the more aware he becomes. He has some vague memory of last night. There was a ferral beast and he had tried to scare it away, but ended up wounded instead. _Just a flesh wound,_ he tells himself. Jensen's probably getting tired of the 'poor injured Jared' routine. 

"I'll just start applying this," he reaches for the bowl as Jensen's clearing their mess.

"Not happening chief." Jensen warns, but continues to tidy. "I need to make sure it's coated thoroughly. You'd be applying it from the wrong angle."

"Aw Jen, I had no idea you cared," Jared coos, "Seriously, it's only salve. I think I can handle it." 

Jensen moves the bowl from Jared's reach, and smiles, "Regardless, I like playing doctor to you. Let me help. C'mon, it's the least I can do. You healed my hands remember?" 

Jared pauses his movements, then relinquishes the salve with a sigh. The Jensen he knows wouldn't enjoy playing doctor, especially to a flesh wound.

Jensen cuts the rest of Jared's tattered shirt off him and throws it to the side. He'll need to remember to gather it as it's covered in blood and blood can attract danger-even after it's dried. He applies the salve gingerly to Jared's wound which extends from just above his collarbone to right below his pectoral. He pays special attention to the center of the wound, right above Jared's heart. It's also the wound's deepest point. 

Jared bites back a primal groan at the sensation. It's unpleasant to say the least, but he can tell Jensen's trying to lessen the pain, and that helps. He doesn't need to show any sign of pain. A sillier part of his brain doesn't want to show weakness where Jensen's concerned. 

"You'll need to leave it uncovered for a while. You think you can manage?" Jensen places a clean towel over the bowl and packs it away for later use. It'll need to be reapplied just after nightfall. 

Jared nods, still untrusting his own voice. 

"Have you had a chance to review the maps? Or check in with the team?"

Jared nods again, and Jensen lets out an exasperated sigh, "Say something! Please?" He never liked carrying on one sided conversations. 

"Uh...Thank you." Jared's really not sure what to say here. He fiddles with a bag of granola. It may not be Jensen's thing, but it _is_ his.

Jensen continues packing away trash and debris , but Jared can tell he's still not satisfied with their level of spoken word. He can't bring up anything that relates to them, so he settles on the mission. "Any idea on how much progress we've made?"

"All we need to focus on now is getting you back into tip top shape." 

Jared ignores 'their' primary focus for the moment, "I think we have hit the dead zone already, but I don't understand how that's possible." 

Jensen pauses his movements and meets Jared's face, "I believe it to be the jungle's way of protecting _her_ secrets. She doesn't want us getting too close." 

"So what do we do?" Jared stretches, trying to relieve the soreness in his muscles. 

"We keep moving...After you're better, of course," which brings them back to the topic of Jared and his injury. "Until then, we hang here, lay low."

"We?" Jared asks. He's sure his voice sounds incredulous. He was aiming for simple disbelief. 

"Yea. Jared. We." Jensen moves to sit so close to Jared they're shoulder to shoulder. "I didn't stutter." 

"What about Matakah?" 

"It's been laying out here for a millennia or more, I'm sure it can wait another couple of days."

Jared's almost 100% sure this isn't real afterall. "You don't have to stay behind on my account." He stammers and then continues. "I know the team was going in from a different direction, but I'm sure you'll catch up with them eventually. I'll be just fine here on my own." Jared doesn't want Jensen to miss out on the opportunity of being the first one on-site-- _Not even in pretend land_. 

Jensen nudges Jared's right side, "I'm not leaving you. Besides you remember the tale?" He prompts, "Nine ways out but only one in?"

Jared pauses between absent bites of granola. "I remember, but I didn't think you would." 

Jensen smiles and claps him on the shoulder, "I unearth 'myth' and it's proven only then as fact. I help rewrite history all the time. I've seen Science Fiction become Science Fact enough times to know anything is possible until it isn't. There isn't any tale you could spin that would be too far out there for me," he reassures. He'd always dismissed Jared's wild ideas in the past. It was when Jared wasn't there, Jensen decided to listen. Unearthing artifacts that give credence to so called myth played a big part in that too. There was no point in the phone call letting Jared know he was right and Jensen was sorry for so much. Jared had told him to not look back. A random call from Jensen wouldn't have changed anything. Jensen smiles to himself seeing the dilemma he and Jared were both in.

"Breakfast was really good," Jared mentions still trying to pull himself into full wakefulness. "Or maybe I was just starving. I didn't eat much yesterday."

Jensen raises his eye brows to Jared, "Instead of commenting, you're just going to change the subject..."

Jared shakes his head. This is like a dream come true. History has shown him if something is too good to be true it probably is, "I should probably move around a bit, stretch everything out. I'm getting a bit sore." 

Jensen nods his approval, "Just don't go too far. It's easy to lose your way out here." It's not a cheap shot at Jared. It really is easy to lose your way here. He done it himself quite a few times this morning on his little adventure out for herbs and roots. 

That sounds more like the Jensen Jared's used to. He decides to test his current reality, turning with a flirtatious wink. "Don't worry Jen. I'll make sure you got a front row seat," He wiggles his hips for show and emphasis.

Jared doesn't disappoint. Jensen watches him the whole time he clears the area, and packs up everything they're not going to be using. He nearly burnt himself twice while he was attempting to put out the fire without even looking at it. Jared's just too entrancing. The way he moves his body has Jensen enthralled. He's so graceful in ways he shouldn't be. His purposeful twists and turns has Jensen's mouth watering and his fingers itching to touch. 

Jared had said _No holding back this time_ , _Strings or no strings_ , _Whatever you want_ , _Up to you_.

Granted Jensen's socially inept, and probably taking a lot of that out of context, but he knows the underlying meaning. He wants to see if there's any truth to this tale, as there is often some amount of truth to every tale. It's not a test per se, more of a 'Are you for real?' question, that Jensen wants answered.

"There's a water source between those trees over there," He mentions as he takes a bottle of water across the small distance to Jared. "Then after you wash off you can put some damn clothes on." 

Jared's eyes grow slightly and he looks down at himself for the first time since waking. He's wearing his cargo shorts with no belt. His feet are bare on the landscape and he isn't wearing a shirt. Jensen had told him to keep the wound uncovered. "I've got clothes. You've just got too many. That's why we seem disproportionate." He takes the water bottle from Jensen and lets it fall to the ground as he lifts Jensen's shirt from the hem. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Would you believe 'checking for tics'? 

Jensen tires to shake his head as the shirt comes over and off. "Not even a little bit." 

"See how much better that feels? It's too hot out here for all these clothes. Anyway, it's just us." Jared grabs the water from the ground and takes a hearty drink. He eyes Jensen's belt, debating, as he offers the water.

Jensen hesitates, but only briefly, before he grabs the water, "How's the soreness?" 

Jared rolls his shoulders, "Better now." It's true. They're still sore, but not nearly as stiff which does help--some. 

"Water's this way," Jensen loosens the belt Jared was eyeing, and waits for Jared to join him before continuing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW if you haven't heard the song "Hunger," give it a listen. It was going through my head towards the end of this update as Jared was moving about. No idea where it came from, but I like the song, so there it is.


	21. No More Holding Back

They arrive at the water's edge a short time later, and Jared has to shake himself again just to make sure he's awake. The view here unlike anything he's ever seen before. The watering hole Jensen found appears to be fed by two different waterfalls on either side, and only during the rainy season. Jared's not even seen anything like it in a travel magazine.

"It's beautiful," He can't stop himself from speaking the thought aloud. 

"It's only water Jare," Jensen loses his boots, socks, and finally shorts. 

Jared wants to protest. The scene is about much more than water, but then Jensen enters into the picture and everything takes on a whole new meaning. Jared's face turns and his eyes grow wide as he watches a fully unclothed Jensen make his way into the water. He stays on the banks a lot longer than necessary to watch Jensen move freely through the water. He's still stuck in a trance-like state when Jensen turns to find him. 

"You just gonna stand there and perv on me all day, or you gonna join me?" Jensen stands so the water plays just below his waist. "The water's fine Jare," 

Jensen's tone's alluring and Jared shakes himself from his stupor. He watches Jensen's eyes grow big and his mouth water as he lets his loose shorts fall to the ground. He uses his toe to fling them on top of Jensen's. He doesn't bother looking to ensure they arrived at the destined location. His gaze is too fixed on Jensen's-watching him undress, standing his ground as Jared advances toward him. It turns Jared on in a way, seeing the affect he's having on Jensen, and seeing Jensen not shy away or pull back this time.

 _He's not backing down,_ Jared decidedly notices as he reaches the water and steps in. If not for its cool freshness he would swear he's still in a dream. He keeps moving forward, looking to invade Jensen's space, just to see how close he can get before Jensen moves away. It's like a game of cat and mouse for him. If he wants to break the illusion he's trapped in (and he does), he'll have to catch the mouse.

Jensen doesn't move. He lets Jared come as close as he will. Neither one backing down. As soon as he's within reach, Jensen places his hands at Jared's hips to hold him in place. Then he guides him back ever so carefully into deeper water. 

Jared jumps at first contact, but instinctively places his hands on Jensen's shoulders as he's being guided. He wasn't expecting any of this. He can't believe Jensen let him get this close. He can feel the other man's heat radiating from him under the cool water. It's comforting and reassuring that this isn't a dream. This is real. Whatever happens from here, at least this much is real.

Jensen stops just before the water gets too deep. He wants to keep going, but he can't. "We shouldn't let it get wet," He grips Jared's waist to get his attention. 

Jared pouts petulantly, "But I wanted to blow you under the water, Jen!"

That earns him a laugh and a bright smile from Jensen, "You'll drown," he deadpans. 

"So worth it," Jared says, he runs absent fingers through Jensen's short hair, "I've always wanted to taste you."

"Oh really," Jensen snarks. He doesn't believe it. Not for a second. If Jared wanted it bad enough, he would have had it already. That's just how he is. He gets an idea in his head and he doesn't stop until it's physically manifested. The proof is right here for them both to see.

"Really," Jared whispers. He's feeling confident enough now to invade Jensen's space all together, his breath ghosts over Jensen's mouth. His hand moves from Jensen's hair to the side of his cheek to tilt his head at the perfect angle.

The illusion finally breaks. Jared's heart kinda breaks with it. He'd wanted so bad for this to be real.

Jensen jerks, not allowing his body to be manipulated so easily. "I didn't bring you out here for a make out session." He grabs Jared's wrist to still his movements. 

Jared stops moving, but he doesn't move his face back. " _Why_ did you bring me out here?" 

"To cool off, rinse away the sweat and the stench," Jensen uses his now free hand to trail water over Jared's good side. "You'll need my help to keep this dry." 

Jared reasonably knows Jensen's right, but that's not what the last 10 minutes was about. They both know it, but only one of them is willing to call the other out. "Maybe you should have thought of this before you applied the salve," He grabs Jensen's hand, "Or this before you pulled me out here in the deep." He places it directly on his now half-hard cock.

"You're unbelievable," Jensen exclaims and tries to move his hips back before Jared can get any wild ideas about feeling him up.

"Oh, really? I'm unbelievable. Yea, OK." Jared nods and runs a leg up Jensen's inner thigh. He beams at Jensen, eyes cold and calculating, when he finds what he's searching for, "You're harder for this than I am." 

"That may be true, but it's certainly not the point," Jensen begins with whatever weak argument decided to come to mind first. 

"Oh I'm sure it is," Jared attempts to pull back and away, "I'm sure if I kept my distance and not tried to kiss you, you would have been quite content to let this go wherever it may lead." 

Jensen goes back to holding Jared by the waist, not letting him get too far gone. "We both know where it leads; kissing or no kissing. Stop pulling away from me. Keep the wound dry." 

Jared wants to jerk free, but he can't. "All or nothing," 

"That's not what you said," Jensen reminds him, "You said, 'strings or no strings, whatever I want'."

"You're ready to fuck me blind, but you can't even kiss me?" Jared switches tactics. He's hurt, of course, but he can't let Jensen see that. 

Jensen stops mid argument. His most immediate thought dying from his lips and being replaced all in an instant before he speaks, "If I agreed to let you have either or, which one would you choose Jared?" Dramatic pause, then softer, "Honestly, this time." 

He had originally wanted to remind Jared of _everything_ he'd previously said. There was more, _Whenever you're ready._ That's not important. What's important is the meaning that Jared is putting behind those words and his most recent actions. This is a last minute pop quiz of Jared's meaning. _It's not a game. It's a test,_ Jensen reasons with himself in the stillness while he awaits an answer.

Without ceremony Jared brings his hands up to bracket Jensen at the neck. He places his thumbs on Jensen's jawline to secure him in place, and without hesitation he makes Jensen meet his lips. He licks at them to coax them open, but Jensen doesn't open for him; not easily at any rate. He takes a plush bottom lip into his mouth and bites, ever so slightly. 

Jensen parts his lips in surprise, "You bit me," he muffles out around Jared's tongue. 

"Hmmm, yea." Jared hums, "I'll do it again too. Let me in." Jared demands, and Jensen caves. Jared can feel Jensen's body give ever so slightly, and he moves a hand down to his hip to steady him as he kisses into his mouth. Jensen moans around his tongue and Jared loses it. He moves his body forward to slot their hips together. He can feel Jensen moving under the water against him, and he's not sure Jensen's even aware he's doing it much less that Jared can feel it. 

He breaks the kiss to look into Jensen's eyes. They're lust blown and wide, just the way Jared likes them. "That's my choice. I've made it. Now I'll live by just as easily as I would die by it." He moves his hips forward to draw Jensen's attention to what is happening beneath the surface. "It's apparent that I could take both from you now, but I won't. You asked me to choose, and so I have." He pulls away from Jensen all together now that he's too stunned to hold him in place. 

_But why?_ Jensen wants to ask, but he can't. He's been stunned into silence. He already knew the answer anyway, but he didn't know a kiss could feel so good; so right. That wasn't just any kiss though. It was like Jared reached deep within and pulled out every emotion that had taken years to bury. He knows Jared's right. He would have easily given Jared any part of him the man wanted. He still would, so there's no point in denying it. He watches as Jared rinses off in the water, mindful of the injury. Jensen briefly splashes himself off in the water and then moves closer. 

"Here, let me get your back," He doesn't wait for a response before taking handfulls of water and lets them fall down Jared's back. He takes his time working the water along the skin and feeling the knots of Jared's muscles underneath his fingertips. "You're still knotted up," he states the obvious. 

"Yea, but not stiff. I'll be okay." Jared tells him as he tries to break their contact. 

"Let me help." Jensen insists letting more water run from his hands to Jared. He rubs, flexing his fingertips into the knots trying to work them loose. 

Jared still tries to pull away, but without all the force of before. "Touching me probably isn't a good idea for you right now," he warns instead. 

"Oh yea, and why's that?" Jensen doesn't take him seriously, not for a second. He turns and sees that Jared has in fact wetted the salve that was supposed to remain dry. "Jare...." he whines. "You were supposed to keep it dry." He's so focused on the wound he misses the heat in Jared's eyes. 

"Because Jensen at the end of the day I'm still a man, and you're teasing." Jared decidedly keeps his hands to himself. He probably should emphasize his point here, but hey..if Jensen wants to go down that rabbit hole, Jared isn't going to stop him this time.

"Not now Jare," Jensen ignores everything Jared's trying to tell him. Healing this wound is more important than all that, or so he thinks. He begins using the water to clear the rest of the salve. He'll just have to reapply it when they get back. It'll be a few hours early, but that shouldn't matter too much.

Jared still doesn't move. He remains eerily still and watches while Jensen clears the wound and checks the stitching. He waits for a look of satisfaction to cross Jensen's features, and as soon as it does he swoops a long leg under Jensen's to knock him from his footing. Before Jensen can even shout, Jared's caught him in a bridal style hold and moving them out of the water and onto the beach. 

"Put me down," he demands, "What's all this about?" 

Jared unceremoniously drops him on his back on the beach, and stands over him-arms crossed. "You want me to keep my hands to myself, that's fine, but you need to do the same." His shoulder and chest are on fire from his efforts, but his face gives nothing away.

Jensen kicks at Jared's ankle and Jared's arms fly apart to catch himself as he falls. Jensen catches him instead and then rolls them, so he's on top facing Jared. "I never told you to keep your hands to yourself," he releases Jared's wrists and leans back. "Go ahead and touch," 

Jared pulls a bitch face, "Why? Just so you can tell me no again? Or better yet, choose!" He rolls his hips upward. "Whatever game you're playing I don't want to be a part of it." 

This looks oddly similar to a fantasy Jensen had just had yesterday. He runs a light fingertip down Jared's sternum. "If you're done playing games, you could simply take what you're after." 

"That's not all I'm after, and I prefer it to be given freely." Jared shoots. His eyes are dead serious and locked with Jensen's. 

"Oh yea, really? What changed?" Jensen taunts remembering back to a couple mornings ago. 

"You were clearly in desperate need, and you wanted it." Jared doesn't need to be reminded. He tries to roll to the side that's not injured, but Jensen grabs him to prevent it. 

"And what's different now?" 

"Now..." Jared yells, and then checks his tone, "I think you're teasing me to see how far you can push before I finally break," He rolls his hips again, "Let me go." 

"Oh no, not this time bukco," Jensen lets his hips rolls against Jared's. "This time is going to be different. It's just you and me out here. No interruptions." 

Jared grabs Jensen by the waist hard enough to bruise, hoping it'll be enough to stall any future movements. "What do you _want_ from me Jensen? A fuck buddy, a friend, both?" 

"Everything," Jensen mummers as he comes down to kiss Jared again. He opens fully trying to coax Jared's tongue into coming out to play. Jared protests for a brief moment until he finally caves and melts into it. 

Jensen kisses with the same careful precision he does everything else. It's rhythmic and soothing. It has Jared wanting to take him apart and put him back together again. He lets his hands trail up and down Jensen's torso as he moves his body with the rhythm of the kiss. He can feel Jensen leaking on his lower belly and the mere thought of it drives him wild. He has to struggle to keep the careful, deliberate pace Jensen has set. He moves a hand between them to grab the leaking member, to ease more fluid from its tip. 

Jensen breaks the kiss with a deep moan. "Damnit Jare,"

Jared keeps his movements slow. He smirks and applies more pressure when Jensen whines. He uses the fluid on his stomach to coat his hand and Jensen's aching member. 

"You could..uhh...ahh...use that," Jensen pleads. 

"It's not enough," Jared whispers through a smile as he angles his head for another slow, passionate kiss. He has Jensen coming in only a few firm stokes, and he smirks as Jensen falls on top of him wound and all. It hurts like a bitch, but Jared's too far gone to care. He feels Jensen's load spilled between them and idea formulates. 

"This _will_ do nicely," He says as he rolls Jensen over onto his back. "I'm not usually a toppy bastard, but damn it. Jensen, you'd try the patience of a saint!" He begins to move the fluid from Jensen's torso to his entrance, but he stops dead in his tracks once he catches the expression on Jensen's face. He appears to have checked out, lost in a daze.

This is so different from what Jensen had expected-so different from what he's used to. Jensen himself _is_ usually a toppy bastard, and on the rare occasion he finds himself needing to filled he can be found face down and turned away from whatever hook-up he has. Jared's nothing but passion and raw emotion. He's been holding back-Jensen can tell. He doesn't want either of them to hold back any longer. _Wait, he's stopped._ His brain rushes to catch up. Jared's moving away. 

"Hey," Jensen grabs his wrist, "I want this. Don't turn away from me now." He moves Jared's index finger in his mouth for insistence. He can taste himself on it, so he makes a show of moaning around it in hopes of keeping Jared's attention. 

Jared keeps his free hand over his dick and his eyes locked with Jensen's when he speaks, "I want this too Jen, more than you can imagine. That's why I think we should wait, take our time, and do it the right way." Jared wants more than a quick romp in the middle of nowhere. Jensen's blank expression still haunts Jared. He's not sure why Jensen keeps checking out on him or where he goes. "We have all the time in the world, if this is something you really want."

Jensen let's Jared's fingers slide from his mouth, but he keeps a firm hold on his hand nonetheless, "I don't think you understand Jare. I want this more than anything." 

Jared's snort is incredulous this time, "More than Matakah?" He grins because he thinks he's bested Jensen.

Jensen places Jared's hand over his heart, "It isn't Matakah that's had me tore up all these years." 

_It was you._ Jensen didn't have to speak the words out loud, Jared's brain did that for him. Jared's face blanches and he breaks eye contact, shame and guilt rushing at him full force. 

Jensen notices the change, the shift of energy, "Hey, hey. No more of that. What's done is done. It's in the past. Let's leave it there, okay?" He squeezes Jared's hand to draw his attention. 

Jared smiles when he meets Jensen's eyes again, "All the more reason not to ruin the present, okay?"

"You can be rough with me. I won't break." 

Jared shakes his head, "It's not that." 

"I'm sorry, Jare. I just don't see what the problem is. We're two consenting adults, right?" 

_Right! But one of us is only thinking with his dick at the moment and it doesn't seem fair,_ Jared wonders if he can lead with that, if Jensen will listen. He motions between them instead and tries a new approach, "Whenever this happens, it will be meaningful and not just a quick romp somewhere because we got caught up in the moment. I think we've both waited too long to hold any regrets." 

"I would lay with you anywhere and almost for any reason," Jensen rushes to reassure him. He's not sure why he's admitting the words out loud, but he's absolutely certain he means them. 

Jared kisses the hand that's been holding his, "I know. All the more reason I shouldn't take advantage of you." 

"That's bull shit and you know it," Jensen's tone turns hard, "What're you so scared of?"

Jared flinches at the sudden change of tone, "I want this to be perfect. I can't rush this, and neither should you."

Jensen moves to climb over Jared. "You said no holding back, and you were holding back on me. I could feel it, so the imperfection lies within you--not me."

Jared opens his mouth to speak, but then clamps it shut at the last minute. He was going to level with Jensen on his feelings and how they'd evolved over time, but something heavier was weighing on his mind too.

"Where were you man?" He can't help but ask. Jensen's body was at attention, but the rest of him had drifted off into parts unknown to Jared. 

"What're you talkin' about? I've been here all this time." Jensen waves an absent hand around like it's really going to prove his point. 

"Oh no, your mind wasn't here. You didn't look lust blown, you looked zoned out." There's no need to pussy foot about. Jared goes for brutal honesty, and delights as the tips of Jensen's ears flush pink.

"I..." Jensen's not sure how to say this, "It's not like..."

"Just spit it out already," Jared's rapidly losing his patience and he's not sure why or with who; Jensen or himself. 

"You're unlike _anything_ I've ever had before," It's corny and all sorts of cheesy, but Jensen has always been inept at articulating his feelings. 

"It's not the first time," Jared speaks softer this time. "Before, the other day, you..." He stops and starts again, this isn't the time for accusations. He's finally getting somewhere, "Where do you go when you do that? What are you thinking?" 

Jensen cracks a smile, "I'm not really _thinking_ about anything. It just amazes me that after all this time, this attraction, or whatever, it's still there. My feelings for you haven't changed in the way I willed them to. I worry about where we'll be in a year from now. Is this for now, or forever? Cause I can't jump off that bridge with you if you're not going to stay by my side." 

Jared smiles back at him, "I wouldn't lead you to that bridge if I weren't willing to dive in with you. We're not supposed to be holding anything back, remember?"

"I remember reminding you of that, just now." Jensen leans in for another kiss and relishes the moment Jared over powers his slow deliberate pace with a hungrier one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Beta, ideas, suggestions, critiques, etc are gladly welcomed and greatly appreciated.
> 
> I can't keep Jared's POV outta my head...It even leaks through whenever I try to write from Jensen's POV. I don't know why this character is giving me such a hard time, but I'm working at it.


	22. On the Topic of Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever and a day since I updated this. I couldn't stop myself. Please don't hate me. 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy.

Jensen has a harder time than expected reapplying the salve. There is a sticky residue left behind from the first application, so he decides to leave it as it is. 

They share a hearty meal of soup and half stale bread around their small fire. At first, Jensen dreads the moment when they'll have to put it out and turn in. Jared's hurt, he won't be sleeping on his side. He'll be flat on his back. If Jensen wants any attention, he'll have to be oh so obvious. Then an idea strikes him. He's actually looking forward to calling it a day. 

"I think we should put the fire out and turn in."

"It's still early, and I'm not tired."

 _I didn't mean for sleeping!_ Jensen huffs a dejected sigh, "I'll see you bright and early then." 

It's of no matter. He uses his time laying alone in the tent to finish formulating his plan. Jared may have taken better care of his physical needs through the years, but he is still a man with needs. He admitted that much earlier. Now, all Jensen had to do was coax Jared's needs from him. He wasn't sure exactly what Jared would need from him, but he had a feeling he would give him anything. He was nearly asleep before Jared turned in for the night. It's a shame it was late and dark. They wouldn't be able to see each other, and that disappointed Jensen. He wanted to watch Jared as they finally came together.

Jared assumed his new position since being mauled. He hated sleeping on his back, but this time he really didn't have a choice. Jensen was on him in an instant, licking and sucking at his neck. 

Jared nearly growls. "Jensen, what is the meaning of this?" 

Jensen gives him an opened mouth kiss. "Well, it's the end of the day." He moves to straddle Jared, so he can gauge his reactions. "You're still a man, remember? You have needs same as me." He pauses, "Well. Not quite the same as me, but you get the idea."

"Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into, Jensen? You can only take this so far until there is no turning back. You keep pushing my point of no return." Jared doesn't want to hurt Jensen by any means, but he can only take so much before he snaps.

"I'm completely sure," Jensen assures him as he bares down at the waist. "I want this. I want you. I don't want to wait any longer." From the feeling between his legs, Jared doesn't want to wait any longer either. His mouth may say he does, but his groin tells another story entirely. He leans back to undo Jared's shorts.

Jared's feeling compliant to see how far Jensen is willing to go on his own. He still has the sneaking suspicion that he'll end up pushing Jensen the rest of the way. He is so tired of being teased and seemingly tuanted. He raises his hips and allows Jensen to manipulate him easily. "Now that you have me sprawled out, what will you do with me?"

"I wanna ride you," Jensen tells him in all earnest, "I want you to take everything you need from me." 

"I'd rather it be given..."

"Freely, I know," Jensen interrupts. "That's what this is. I'm giving it to you, all you need do is take."

Jared can't believe what he's hearing. He uses one hand to rummage around his bag for his lube and cock ring. He wants to take his time to savor this. Jensen's in a giving mood, and Jared's not going to pass that up--no matter how brief it may be.

"I'll gladly take," Jared assures him. "Let me up."

"What? Why?"

"Because I _need_ to open you up first,"

Jensen calms. They're actually going to do this. "Alright then, but don't take your time. I wanna feel you."

"Before you change your mind? I don't think so. I'm taking my sweet time with you." Jared's never had a partner he's wanted to take his time with. Jensen seems to be the exception to his every rule. "Get comfortable."

Jensen lets out a hum of contentment and turns to his stomach with his hips canted up in the air, putting his backside on full display just like a present. 

Jared immediately regrets not coming to bed a lot sooner. He'd give anything to take in this sight.

He begins by placing an opened mouth kiss on Jensen's most intimate areas, gladly licking and coaxing him to relax into it. Jensen instinctively pushes back. Jared works him open the best he can with only his tongue and fingers. He finds himself growing more aroused with each passing second. Jensen is letting the most delectable moans escape, and Jared can tell he's nearly ready.

"Please, Jare. I need more," Jensen whines. 

"Oh no you don't. This is about my needs remember. And right now..."

"Grrraww," Jensen whines again and pushes back harder to emphasize his point. 

"Come now Jen, you've teased and taunted me with this for days. It's my turn. What's the matter?"

Jensen clamps his mouth shut as the fingers return inside him. He doesn't push back this time.

Jared decides it's time to see how far Jensen is actually willing to go. He clamps the cock ring around himself and pours a generous amount of lube on him and Jensen both. He doesn't miss the way Jensen squirms. 

"Last chance. Are you sure you wanna do this...with me?"

"God, yes! Just get on with it already...No wait.." Jensen stops him at the last minute, so he can flip to his back. "There you go. Take what you will."

Relieved, Jared finally starts to work his way in. He stops short of bottoming out completely. "This is the point of no return Jensen, I mean it." 

"Whatdoyouwant?!" Jensen yells, the air goes still. "A fucking picture, move already."

"Oh no," Jared tells him as he eases the rest of the way in. "You don't get to call the shots here."

Jensen moans loud, but it sounds pained to Jared's ears. He hadn't expected Jared to be so huge, which doesn't make sense. He had only went down on Jared a couple nights ago. This should be a walk in the park, but it isn't. Come to think of it, Jared's the biggest he's ever had. 

Jared eases himself out only to push in again. He lets a satisfied hum escape, "You feel so good, so tight. I could get used to this." 

Jensen regrets the dark now more than ever. He has to fantasize the look Jared is sporting now. He doesn't want to. He wants the real thing. "Should have turned in earlier." He reminds.

"Hmmm, you're telling me," Jared agrees. "I'd give anything to actually see you now." 

"Tomorrow, you fuck me behind the waterfall. Well, one of the waterfalls. I don't care which." 

Jared grabs Jensen by the waist and gives him a few experimental hard thrusts. Jensen immediately takes a hand to his cock, only to have it batted away by Jared. "Oh no, not yet. You're going to see this through."

"Jared please," Jensen begs. "I need,"

"Oh no, this isn't," Jared interrupts again. 

_About my needs,_ Jensen's brain unhelpfully supplies. He signed up for this. Tears form at his eyes remembering his own promise. A whiny moan escapes. "You won't have to stop I swear. Just, please, let me come."

Jared debates a moment during a couple lazy thrusts. "No, I like you all whiny and compliant." He raises one of Jensen's legs in hopes of going in deeper.

"Oh god, you're huge," Jensen reminds him, as if Jared needed reminding. He's actually quite impressed Jensen opened up and is taking him so easily.

"What's the matter? You changing your mind?"

"Yes but because you won't move, you won't let me find release. It's killing me." 

Jared hums again, "I know. I'll need to hang on to these moments forever."

"But why," Jensen sounds pitiful. "We can do it again," he swears, "In broad daylight next time," he promises. "That way we both have an experience worth holding on to."

Jared begins fucking him in earnest, wondering if he can make Jensen come just from his cock alone. He thinks it'll only serve to keep Jensen on edge. Jared's got the cock ring on after all. He grabs Jensen's manhood, but only to feel how far gone he really is. "You're liking this, see?" He gives it a firm squeeze. "And I like this it. You're taking real good care of my needs." 

"If that were truly the case, you'd be pumping me full already," 

Jared hums again, a laugh to himself this time. "I have some help." 

"What's that...." Jensen groans from frustration this time, remembering the cock ring.

"S'not fair, let me come please Jare," Jensen sounds on the verge of tears. "You can continue until you're sated I don't care."

Jared doesn't want to relinquish the heat nor the tightness. He'd like for this to go on all night, but in all truth he knows it can't.

"Shhhh," Jared tells him with a hand placed over his mouth, "I'll take care of you," He promises. 

Jensen digs a heal into Jared's lower back, "Please do. This is killing me." 

Jared undoes the cock right, "No it won't," he nearly laughs. 

His thrusts and hard and brutal. Jensen lets a sigh of relief escape when Jared places a huge hand around his cock. "Finally," he moans, and thrusts his hips upward. He meets Jared thrust for thrust. 

"That's it, take it all." Jared encourages him. 

Jensen knows this won't last. He comes with a shout of Jared's name. 

The tight channel throbbing around him is undoing. He comes with a whisper of Jensen's name on his lips and leans down for a gentle kiss. He vows to himself, the next time he'll take it slow and actually make love to Jensen. He doesn't care if Jensen's ready for that or not. It's what he wants after all, and he's going after it this time. He uses his hand to work Jensen through the after shocks, and then gently pulls out. 

Jensen is covered in his mess, and Jared laughs. 

"You didn't think of everything. I don't have anything to clean to you off."

"I did think of everything," Jensen admits as he rolls over. "I don't want to wake up thinking this was all some sort of fucked up dream." His voice is trailing off. He sounds completely sated.

"Maybe this was never about satisfying my needs. Maybe this was more about satisfying yours. Aren't you even going to put clothes on." 

"No, I wanna feel you behind me. All of you." 

Jared wants nothing more than to hold Jensen through the night. "No can do buddy. I have to sleep on my back." 

"Awwww," Jensen groans. "Well then, can't I curl up next to you?" 

"Why so you can get us both sticky? I don't think so." Jared laughs. 

"Damn it Jare," Jensen whines, but it's futile. Jared's made up his mind. 

Jensen finds uneasy sleep that night, and Jared feels guilty. Almost. Jensen wanted to fulfill his needs, and he succeeded. Sleep has no trouble finding him. He sleeps like a baby grinning to himself. He's finally got what he's been playing at all this time, and he doesn't intend on letting it go any time soon. To hell with what Chris said or what anyone else will say. He has the confidence now to know that he won't leave Jensen in the same mess he found him. He looks over to Jensen's sleeping form, and thinks, _at least, I hope not._


End file.
